Steph's thoughts

Hatred and Love

2011-04-25T11:06:00.002-04:00

So about 2 months ago, I was on the train from Miami to West Palm Beach. I was coming back home to my husband in Lakeland and my train started in WPB. Anyway, while I was on the tri rail an old couple sat next to me. Lets just say the woman was the leader in the relationship and the husband was just a spectator. She asked me what school I attended and I told her PBA. She was like, "oh the Christian school" and I said yes. For some reason we got into the conversation of homosexuality and she said that Christians aren't very loving of that community. I told her she was right, but how our school actually tell us to love them. She didn't seem to want to listen to me on that and started mumbling under her breath, so I went ahead and told her my best friend is bisexual and I love her very dearly. Got her to shut up. What really got to me was the sound of her voice, she had hatred against me for something she thought all Christians did, hate. She said I hated certain people since I was a Christian and for that she was hating me (see the irony...) Not sure where I was going with all of this, but Christianity should be about loving people. Jesus loved the tax collectors (who doesn't like them haha), the prostitutes, the hungry and needy, the democrats (and republicans), and so on. There wasn't one person he hated and we are supposed to be imitators of Christ, but instead there is hatred, envy, legalism. There is no grace. Seems you have to be perfect to be a Christian, so I guess I'm not because I am far from it. Where is grace and love? I guess I'm writing this to remind my fellow brothers and sisters to wake up.
Currently reading:
"Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller
also a good book to read is "Unchristian" by David Kinnaman

Married life

2011-01-11T07:49:00.003-05:00

So for the first four months of my marriage, it hasn't truly felt like I was married. Now I'm getting that feeling and its kind of weird, but I love every moment of it.
This might sound very corny, but a few months before we got married we gave each other names, new names. He named me Jasmine and I named him Zachary. You might ask why. Well my name means flower and it has a nice fragrance. My name is to remind me to be a good fragrance. As an example, meaning not making every little thing drama. Zachary means remembrance of the Lord. That means Brandon needs to do things that will remind me of my God.
Though we're still getting used to the married life, and we have had plenty of bumps in the last few weeks, I have never met a man that was so willing to do everything to remind me of the Lord. In every bickering, though I have not been a Jasmine at all, he'll take my hand and pull me in his arms and say I love you. I could have hurt him so badly with my words, but he'll always brush that aside and just love me with God's love because I know how much he doesn't want to at that second. I'm very blessed to have him. I don't want this to sound like I'm just praising him because he's my hubby, he definitely has his flaws like video games, but I know that every man has that as a flaw :p. However, I do hope this will be a good reminder to me in future years and for those who are married too. I know I haven't been married for very long, but I guess its more of wanting to remind my fellow brothers and sisters who are married or who are going to be married to find the reason why they married their spouse, aside of being loved. I needed Brandon to remind me of God's love because sometimes its really hard for me to see it. I have a difficult time understanding the love of Christ, but Brandon always helps remind me that I'm good enough to have the God of the universe come down and die for His people.
I'm outs

What Jesus really means is...

2010-10-26T09:01:00.002-04:00

So I started reading this book called Radical by David Platt that really made me think about my faith in light of my culture or what my culture has formed it in to. I've only read the first chapter and already it takes me back to my first true thoughts of Christianity. I get so angry with myself because I've allowed culture to take over me. When I first became a Christian I knew what it meant to allow God to take over, I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew that I would have to give up my desires, my family, and friends. I knew that I would have to give myself up entirely. It's funny because I also read the Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis that year and he addressed the very same issues that this book is addressing.
It's funny because I knew these things, the things that the book is addressing, but I was pushed to think the opposite. Like in the Scriptures it says that I must hate my family (not so literally, but compared to how I should love Jesus, it should be like hate). I didn't of course literally hate them, the Scriptures is all about love, but I shouldn't let them get in the way of what God wants me to do.
How that looked when i first became a Christian was helping out in church. That's something so simple and yet my family would always say that i would place church above family. I never mean to put church over family, but I was compelled to help where help was needed rather than attend another birthday party, in whom I see or talk to this person everyday anyway. (I do love my family by the way). I'm sure this sounds terrible, maybe it does.
I made a commitment to follow Jesus and that meant giving up everything. It means picking up my cross (or in the writers words, my "electric chair") and follow him.
I don't know what that means right now though. I literally almost have nothing. I have no career waiting for me right now after college. I have no money to give. I have a loan I need to pay off when I get out of college. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. One thing that has come to mind right now though is that I have never spent enough time on people. I stay in my circle or on my high horse. My time is the only thing I can give. And I know what you're going to say, "you don't need to give up everything, God doesn't want you to go hungry or live on the streets." Yeah I know he doesn't, but when I see things like one church costing $23 million dollars to be built, and only $5000 going to the poor and hungry in another country, it makes me wonder what is more important, me having the minimum to survive, worshipping outside rather than a comfortable air conditioned church, or having people in starving countries go hungry for my selfish desires.
And this is what Jesus asked from the beginning. I have never seen a man more prone to pushing people away than Jesus. He told people to sell everything and give it to the poor. He said don't bury your father, let others do it. He said pick up your cross and follow him.
I have never seen a religion ask for anything like this. And ignorant people love to say that all religions are the same or lead to the same place.
I really encourage you to read Radical by David Platt. Hopefully it'll change your mind about being a Christian. Either it will let you know that you will be mediocre all your life or push you to be what Jesus actually meant by following him.

Rebellion

2010-10-11T19:12:00.002-04:00

So I was finishing up a book caled Tactics for my Evangelism and Apologetics class and was stopped by the use of the word rebellion. When I usually hear the word, it's more of kids rebelling against their parents or the Devil rebelling against God. The reason I was stopped by the word is because I had just read Paradise Lost as well for my British Literature class. adam and Eve rebelled against God. However, in the book Tactics, the writer says that we could try whatever tactic to pursued someone to see the problem with their world view, but sometimes there can be such a stubbornness in the heart that they choose not to listen to practical reason. The writer says that it is because they choose to rebel against God. Of course, I'm sure no one truly means to rebel against God, but if the facts are right in front of you, even if you see God Himself, there is still the likelyhood that someone will still want to rebel. Look at Adam and Eve, they walked with Him in the Garden, actually talked to Him face to face, and still rebelled.
Last night in church, Brandon and I went to church at the Ascent: Christ Fellowship in West Palm Beach, and usually I'm not one to like the Ascent very much, (no offense just not my taste, good solid church though) but sitting there and listening to the Pastor speak made me realize how far from God I am. Like I'm doing pretty well, I'm not doing any major sins, I've been doing good, but my relationship with God is just not there. I'll go through the motions of praying before my meal and stuff like that, but I have no relationship with God. I hate these periods in my life where I refuse to push myself to talk to God, listen to Him. Of course, this is kind of weird to say that I'm rebelling, like I said, I'm not doing anything wrong, but my heart refuses to worship God. Not because I hate God, but because I want to do my own thing. My excuse is, "I don't have time to read my bible this morning, I need to finish studying for my exam; God wouldn't like if I failed my exam."
This little rebellion that I'm going through now isn't the first time its happened, and I'm definitely not the only Christian that has felt this way. Our hearts want to rebel, our hearts want to satisfy their own desires. I'm not saying I figured out how to get out of these funks, I wish I had the answer and if any of you know it please share it, but the only thing I can tell you is that sometimes we just have to go through those motions, not to be religious of course and show everyone how good of a Christian we are or wutevs, but to keep glorifying God. My heart doesn't want to praise the one who created me, but I will push through. I love this poem that I read by George Herbert called the Alter.

"A broken ALTER, Lord, thy servant rears,
Made of a heart, and cemented with tears:
Whose parts are as thy hand did frame;
No workman's tool hath touched the same.
A HEART alone
Is such a stone,
As nothing but
Thy power doth cut.
Wherefore each part
Of my hard heart
Meets in this frame,
To praise thy Name:
That, if I chance to hold my peace,
These stones to praise thee may not cease
Oh let thy blessed SACRIFICE be mine,
And sanctify this ALTAR to be thine."

Poem is supposed to look like and alter by the way. The heart is a stone, we can refuse to praise God, but its funny how Herbert uses the word stone because Jesus said in the Scriptures that if the people do not praise Him, the stones will cry out (Luke 19:40). So even if Herbert does want to keep his mouth shut because if His rebellion, how his heart does not want to praise him, trying to be as hard as stone, either way, the stones will still cry out. Stones do not have mouths by the way, meaning that even through the rebellion we will still praise Him. The stone (heart), though it does not want to cry out, even by being a stone, what God created it to be, will still praise Him. I will praise my God, even though my heart is a stone; hopefully my heart will melt and I can praise Him out of Love, but right now I am going through the motions, taking it one step at a time.

Idolization

2010-05-25T09:12:00.002-04:00

Habakkuk 2:18-20 "Of what value is an idol, since a man has carved it? Or an image that teaches lies? For he who makes it trusts in his own creation; he makes idols that cannot speak. Woe to him who says to wood, 'Come to life!' Or to lifeless stone, 'Wake up!' Can it give guidance? It is covered with gold and silver; there is no breath in it. But the LORD is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him."

About almost every single prophet discusses idolizing. In the book of Habakkuk, the people of Babylon have idols that are seen by everyone, but these idols are made by man. They do not exist for the good of the people, but of selfishness. It reminds me that sometimes I can create idols and I expect for it to speak to me, but then it disappoints me because I wanted it to satisfy my desires, but only God can do that. Nothing can satisfy my deepest desires but God.
Then in Hosea 13:2, he writes, "Now they sin more and more; they make idols for themselves from their silver, cleverly fashioned images, all of them the work of craftsmen." It is hidden, it is fashioned in a way that other people cannot see it, and maybe even themselves. And Hosea is writing about the people of Israel, the chosen people of Israel. How could they do such a thing, but when I read this I had my own secret idol. I'm supposed to be a part of a model society that is discussed in Micah and yet I fail over and over again. The work that God has started in me must finish and I need to be made anew and not for the sake of being able to be with the person I want to be with and not to receive any reward, but because God calls me to a righteous life, a life that gives my God delight. I got rid of my idol and now I am focusing on my LORD. God will make me new so that I can do the work that He has set for me to do and hopefully I won't have to do it alone.
Sorry if this doesn't make any sense. I have such a problem with idolizing people that God cannot bless me in my relationships. I am satisfied in God because He is good and perfect, but I am not satisfied in myself in Him and I need to reconcile that. I need to bring back purpose and not see myself as worthless. Please pray for me so that I will be reconciled. I need to go back to when I was 14 and no one could stand me because every word I spoke was of/for God. Every little detail of my life, I asked God to guide me. I need to go back to that. I'm outs.

Listening

2010-04-05T19:25:00.002-04:00

I talk too much sometimes. I usually vent or talk about me and my past. I know I talk too much. I sometimes forget that I need to listen and observe. Be there for people and allow them to cry. Like losing a daughter.. That's pretty rough. Or having a father who doesn't care, or seems not to care. Wanting to fulfill a dream, but having something pulling you back. Love, family, dreams.
My generation and those after me have become a people that have been forgotten. It seems crazy to think of that. Businesses keep making new things. Its for us isn't? Churches say that they are working for the next generation (or something like that). We have stopped thinking though. We have stopped caring. We have stopped trying. We've become a lazy people. My generation and those after me are stuck in the virtual world, unrealistic and relative.
We are also a people of loneliness. We don't choose to be though. We allow ourselves to be distracted. We want to forget reality. I see things I don't want to see, so what do I do? I detach myself from the situation. We're really good at that. I busy myself so much, so I won't allow myself to think. Then when I have free time I try to fill it up, so I don't have to think. When I think I remember what I have seen. I remember the late night cries from my mum. I remember the arguments between friends. I remember the little boy that is left alone, though his parents are there. I remember me.
I decided to start listening. Listening to my clock tick tock. Listening to the birds outside. Waiting.

Psalm 51

2010-03-29T09:44:00.002-04:00

Sometimes there are times when I just flat out mess up. At the time, everything seems alright, but once its happened, you can't take it back. You have to keep moving forward though. The Devil wants everyone to mess up, he wants to take away our testimony, but I love the fact that even through out faults and our sins, God will use it. David, in this Psalm, messes up big time (committing adultery with Bathsheba), yet he asks God to forgive him and he will use his weaknesses to strengthen others. What a God I serve. At least i know that David's weakness, gives me hope because he was still known as a man after God's own heart. We need redemption. 1 Timothy 1:5 says, "The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith." To love is to have these three things, and to love God is to attain these three things. Obey God.

"Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Cleanse with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your holy spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.
Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your alter."

Hologram pastor

2010-03-13T11:21:00.003-05:00

So I was listening to the Christian radio here in West Palm and one of the topics they were discussing was pastors that use holograms to preach to their church without them being there (of course). They were asking what we thought about it and I considered it and now I am writing about it. One lady on the radio said that its okay if the pastor is just preaching at another church, not if its pre-recorded. That's a pretty good answer, I guess... So many churches are trying to grow out that it does make sense. However, the church starts to lose meaning. I'm reading through the books of 1-3 John. It's all about love since John was the apostle that loved. Anyway, in 2 John at the end of it he writes, "I have much to write to you, but I do not want to use paper and ink. Instead, I hope to visit you and talk with you face to face, so that our joy may be complete." At a time where their only way of communication is either by writing to each other or talking face to face, he would rather speak to them face to face. He does write that he has much more to write, but he would rather see them, talk to them, fellowship with them, live life with them. So to go back to my main topic, a pastor as a hologram, is the dumbest idea I have ever heard. What happened to the church? Are we just a product of our time/culture? I thought we were supposed to be different. Christianity is all about relationships, not just learning more about the Bible. We were meant for relationships, not to just get through life. Just some thoughts... I'm outs

Be Holy

2010-03-01T09:51:00.003-05:00

Leviticus 19:2b "Be holy because I, the LORD your God, am holy."
How that penetrates my heart. I desire to be holy. It is so hard to obey and yet all I want to do is please my God and be holy like He is holy. I desire it so much and yet it is the hardest thing to attain sometimes because of fleshly desires. I want to do my own thing. I want to live my own life, yet God tells His people to be holy like He is holy. It is so much harder to do, but I contemplate it day and night. I want to be holy.

I don't need it

2010-02-24T14:43:00.003-05:00

I was contemplating life today. I wish I did more of that during college. A lot of the great minds write about the contemplative life and the active life, and I'm sure a lot of people can vogue that I have lived the active life in college. I was placed in leadership positions at school that can be (I guess) commendable. I've been nominated for things, but I never have saved the world. I just got to help one person at a time pretty much. I guess that's commendable. I guess I'm just tired of being noticed. I'm tired of receiving praise. I'm tired of being noticed. I just wanna do what God has placed me on this earth to do and just go home, my heavenly home. I don't need a prize, I don't need any praise, I don't need any recognition. Just let me do what God has placed me on this earth to do and I will be happy with that. I used to want to be recognized. I used to desire to be remembered. I lusted after power. And now, I want to be put in a hole and forgotten. Let me be in the background. Allow me to blend with the crowd. No I'm not depressed, I'm just tired for receiving the praise that God deserves. I'm not a saint, I just failed a lot and learned from my experiences... God did it all pretty much. I'm outs.

The world had stopped

2010-02-09T10:48:00.002-05:00

The world has stopped for about an hour or two
though I expected it would keep going.
Everything is still in their place and
nothing has really changed, but
I wish it did.
I came back to my room and did
what I usually do, and for some reason
I thought it would be different.
I thought that if I did the same thing
something would have happened and
change my life completely.
But everything is still the same.
The world has stopped for about an hour or two
because I didn't change.

Day to Day faith part dos

2010-02-08T22:07:00.002-05:00

So I love how after I read something and think about it, God loves to test me on it, and when I mean God tests me, I mean gives me opportunities to practice what I've learned. Anyway, I wrote in my last post how Abraham had day to day faith. He finally understood what it meant to have day to day faith in God after the experience he had to go through with his son. Well in high school I remember I had to make a choice between marching band and a missions trip my junior year, which ultimately meant that if I went on the missions trip I would ultimately lose my friends in school. I was pretty okay with it, God has bigger plans, but I never expected to go through a similar situation in college, at a Christian school. Of course its not the same thing, but now I understand that when you do the right thing people won't understand why and you have to daily live by faith that God will provide for you in everything, not just in my future, but in my daily activities. Well this probably makes no sense to you, my reader, so I'm outs.

Day to day faith

2010-02-07T08:55:00.002-05:00

So I read an interesting work by Kierkegaard and he talked about Abraham's faith. In the Bible it says how is faith was great, but Kierkegaard takes it a step higher and explains what kind of faith Abraham had. His faith was a day to day faith. Anyone can have faith in future things, its called hope, but to rely on God for our day to day needs is what Abraham had faith in.
When Abraham was going to take his son to be offered as a sacrifice to the LORD, Abraham went through it without hesitation. He knew that even if Isaac was sacrificed God would provide in another way, either the promise was supposed to be through his first son Ishmael or Sarah was going to have another son. Either way, Abraham had faith in future things, but Abraham did not sacrifice his son. What exactly was going through Isaac's mind at the time? After this incident, what kind of faith did Abraham have? He had to cut himself off emotionally from everything because what he was doing was morally wrong, but to even go through what he had to go through is something no one else can even comprehend. Abraham had faith in the future, but God was teaching him day to day faith.
Sometimes I wonder why I go through the things I do. I have faith in my future, I know that God has plans for me and its going to be wonderful, but as a college student, I hope I don't take the wrong step in the wrong direction. I need to have faith that God will guide me there. Yeah I have done a lot of mistakes and if I told people they would shun me out as a sinner (which everyone is), but through those things God helped me have faith, even when I think I take the wrong steps, it is a step closer to his ultimate plan.
Side note - read Kierkegaard's "Fear and Trembling" really good!
I'm outs

Question

2010-02-06T14:32:00.003-05:00

So I'm a bit confused about something and I was hoping that you might be able to help me figure this out. I have heard that no man can do good apart from God, which I can see why some people would say that because we all have selfish desires; however, those same people say that God is in control of everything, meaning we are all (believers and non believers) living life how God planned it to be. So my question is, if we cannot do good apart from God, but everything we do is in His plans, hence glorifying Him, then doesn't it mean that we are in some way doing good by being in His will? Maybe this is a very simple question, but I'm just still a bit confused and I was wondering if someone can clarify for me. Thanks!
I'm outs

Christ against culture?

2010-01-30T23:19:00.003-05:00

So I'm presently reading a book called Christ and Culture, and there are a lot of different views on our relationship with the world and what the Bible says about humans and culture. It's really quite interesting. Anyway, one of the viewpoints is Christ against Culture. One of the examples used in this viewpoint is Tolstoy, a famous Russian writer from the 19th century. Tolstoy believed that the Church was a creation of the devil. It was an interesting take on the church that I have never heard and it made me think. Why did Tolstoy hate the church? Some people can see why he would say that, like the church should be growing and take on the culture so the church can be better used for the people, but there is a line that could be crossed that can make the church evil. Take for example the move of individuals who wanted to live a life of solitude when Christianity became tolerated. Why would they do such a thing? There are some good reasons why, but didn't Christ say before he left this earth to go into all the world and proclaim his name?
I'm not sure where I'm going with all this, but I think its interesting to think about these things and wonder why. Wonder why people did the things they did. I'm not an advocate of Christ against culture, I really believe that we can be set apart from the world, but still be a part of it, but I like to wonder. Any thoughts?
I'm outs.

Never cease

2010-01-15T18:38:00.002-05:00

So I'm reading this book called The Life of a Slave Girl. In the very beginning there is the title and two quotes underneath it. One of the quotes goes like this "Northerners know nothing at all about slavery. They think it is perpetual bondage only. They have no conception of the depth of degradation involved in that word, SLAVERY; if they had; they would never cease their efforts until so horrible a system was overthrown." This blog is not about slavery, but that last part of the quote really got to me as a Christian. In the Bible it talks about being a slave to sin and also about being a bond-servant of Christ. As a Christian, I was a slave to sin, every Christian was a slave to sin, but because of God's love and grace, He brought us out of it. When Christ told his disciples to go into all the world and tell everyone about Him, I don't think He even had to say anything because as a Christian we should want to tell everyone we know about Christ and what He has done. However, looking at the people around me I kind of see why Jesus had to say something; living in this life of ease can make us forget what we're supposed to do. We as a people can forget what it meant to be a slave of sin because if we really understood, then we would never cease our efforts of telling people; we would keep on talking until our last breath.
I encourage you to remember what it was like. Love those around you, and never stop.
I'm outs

My thoughts behind service

2009-12-28T20:56:00.004-05:00

Service has a lot of different meanings. It could mean a work service where you get paid for something you do, like a career. Service could mean helping a neighbor, a friend, family, whoever you desire to serve. Yet what is the motivation behind an act of service. In the case of a career, the person is being paid for something they can do that the person paying for the service cannot do. If you're helping out a neighbor, it seems logical to help those around you, you would want them to do the same for you. In the case of family and friends, you can't help but serve your family (they are blood, though there are exceptions); and you can't help but serve your friends, you wouldn't be friends with them if you didn't like them :P. So what is the true motivation behind service? Yeah we all help serve our community in some way, we all have our place, but what keeps us going? We all have this call to do something.
I would like to consider mine administration (that's what I'm good at). But I was thinking over this and what is my motivation behind serving. First my motivations were clearly to be seen by people, but I wasn't having any fun and I wasn't really helping anyone because I didn't make it relational, I made it purely "business". However, a turning point came into my life where I finally understood 1 Corinthians 13, to do everything out of love. For example, when I cook for people. I love to cook and I enjoy people saying how good my food is, but I enjoy more the fact that they don't have to cook their food and I love the conversations we have at the table, especially with my roommates, though random as they are. I don't get mad anymore that I'm doing all the work and they (not my roommates, but general public) don't do anything. My motivation behind service (after years of failure) is love, its building relationships. Of course, I probably don't understand the true meaning of love, but just remembering the cross and eventually being in heaven, will definitely show what love looks like, what God looks like. I just enjoy helping people, it gives me purpose, it gives me meaning. Yes I'll never see the lady that asked for food ever again, yes I'll sometimes be the only person in the "relationship" giving it my all, but when God receives me and tells me I'm His, it'll all be worth the money and time I used serving those around me.

Also, in one of my classes we were discussing the Trinity. What is the meaning behind "Let Us make man in Our image." Does it mean physically looking like him, mentally, emotionally? Or does it mean to have a relationship? God had a relationship within Himself, you can clearly see that He wanted a relationship with man and for man to have relationship with man. Is this what God desired? For us to only have relationships? Should this be our motivation behind service? For us to have a relationship with other people? Any thoughts?
I'm outs.

Extremist

2009-12-10T20:29:00.002-05:00

Oh and I realized I had a quote that I wanted to leave with you until I write again. Martin Luther King Jr. wrote, "So the question is not whether we will be extremists, but what kind of extremists we will be. Will we be extremists for hate or for love? Will we be extremists for the preservation of injustice or for the extension of justice?"

Any thoughts? I'm outs

Finals next week

2009-12-02T19:32:00.002-05:00

I haven't been able to write. Everything I want to write about is way too close to the heart. I have a million things going on in my head right at this moment. I shouldn't be distracted. I have freaking finals next week and its pretty much the farthest thing from the forefront of my mind. Please pray that I can focus. I'm outs.

My indifference

2009-11-20T08:34:00.002-05:00

Coming into the bedroom and I find my roommate on the floor, crying. However, it is not tears of sadness, but tears of joy. I know this might sound crazy, but she said Jesus was just in this room. Any person would be a skeptic and look at her weird, but you should see her face and you should feel the room, the room is peaceful.
It made me think about Jesus (of course) and my relationship with Him. I don't need to feel Jesus' presence to know He is real. I don't need a big miracle. I know He's real. However, I've noticed I've become indifferent. I've become indifferent about what God wants me to do. I should be reading my Bible more and I should be praying more, but its not that I have to do those things, I just don't want to do those things. Like I've said, I have become indifferent.
Like I'm waiting on His promise, I'm waiting for Him to move, but I forgot one important thing that I learned in high school, when He's not moving He wants me to do some moving. I remember a hurricane/tropical storm (I don't remember what) coming through and I felt so useless. I had just come back from a missions trip and I felt like God wasn't using me. Until I came to the realization that God has stuff for me to do. So I went outside and started cleaning up my neighbors drive threw since she was old. Those small things are what needed to be done.
Another thing that came to mind was my uncleaniness (I know not a word). I don't mean that I'm dirty and disgusting. God would smack me in the face if I said that, lol. However, the amount of garbage that goes through my head daily, its not something I would like to share with people and remembering that God is in our very presence ALL the time and He still love us... its amazing and I've just become indifferent. If you feel like your in the same place, at least know your not the only one. I'm outs

Will over emotions

2009-10-23T10:17:00.002-04:00

This past week I've learned something very important in the Christian walk. When I first became a Christian I allowed the emotions to take over my will. I was so amazed by God that my emotions just wanted to do everything God wanted me to do. However, after time passed the emotions wore thin and the will needed to take over, but that was a difficult task because the will has been so dependent on the emotions that my will was/is not strong enough yet. I think this is an important thing that God was/is trying to teach me.
I hear people say I don't feel God leading me in this way or that way, but I do not think that we should allow that to be an excuse anymore, unless God legitimately told you in Scripture. God commanded us to go to our city, to our country, to the world and tell others about Him. I don't necessarily think that God wanted us to be missionaries. I think He wanted us to just tell everyone we meet about Him. If I happen to go to Europe on vacation, why should I not show God's love to the people I encounter. But I'm not just talking about missions. Missions work is a great opportunity to really pour your life into a group of people, but we should not be stuck there just there.
I'm just tired of allowing my emotions take control of my will. Every time I heard a sermon I was excited to go out into the world and do what was just taught but then when I actually go out there I allow fear to stop me. I allow "circumstances" to stop me from doing what was just taught. I'm tired of allowing my emotions do whatever it wants. J. Sidlow Baxter wrote,

"I found that there was an area of me that did not want to pray... and there was a part of me that did. The part that didn't was the emotions, and the part that did was the intellect and the will... So will and I set off to pray. But the minute we turned our footsteps to go and pray all the emotions began to talk: 'we're not coming, we're not coming, we're not coming.' And I said to will, 'will can you stick it?' And will said, 'yes, if you can.' So will and I, we dragged off those wretched emotions and we went to pray, and stayed an hour in prayer.
If you asked me afterwords, 'did you have a good time?', do you think I could have said 'yes'? A good time? No, it was a fight all the way...
Suddenly one day [weeks later] while will and I were pressing our case at the throne of the heavenly glory, one of the chief emotions shouted 'Hallelujah!'and all the other emotions suddenly shouted, 'Amen!' For the first time all of me was involved in the exercise of prayer."

I found this to be interesting. I should not allow my emotions to control my will, but allow will to control my emotions. Emotions are not horrible, but they can get in the way of doing what God ultimately wants us to do for Him. I'm outs

as we get older

2009-10-02T22:17:00.002-04:00

If I had more time to do more things life would be easier. I would see my brother on a weekly basis. I would spend more time on my studies. I would spend more time on my friends. I would not be complaining about how much more time I need. It just seems as though the things I really wanna do I don't get to do. God always tells us to set our priorities straight but when I can't then I feel like a failure. I have so many aspirations, I have dreams for my future. I just can't do it all.
I remember in high school I would wake up early so I can get to school and I remember watching the sunrise every morning. I miss that. I miss that second of peace. I remember taking that single second and just enjoying the view. I haven't seen a sunrise in quite a long time...
Life is so beautiful. I guess if I had time to do everything I needed to do, I wouldn't enjoy skipping something that's "important" and doing something really worth my time. I'm just blabbering, but I just miss the simplicity I had. I hate how when we get older things get more complicated. I'm outs
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

Health care

2009-08-25T08:51:00.001-04:00

Everyone seems as though they are completely against the Health Care plan that President Obama is going to pass along through Congress. I can see why some people are against it. Doctors and nurses will be getting a regular rate pay as every other doctor and it does not encourage doctors to do their very best job. I see that and it makes me feel as though doctors are completely in it for the money! I totally know it’s not like that, but it seems that it’s only for the cash if the American people have that mind set.
Anyway, the health care is supposed to provide every American citizen with health care, but I have a different idea that maybe Congress has already thought of, but they should rethink it again. I propose that free health care should be free for every minor and if they want to move into higher education then it will be extended. Plus, if the student goes into grad school then it be extended. I’m sure it would push students to finish schooling and we would have a better educated society. Health care shouldn’t be a factor for students to finish college up, but when those 20’s push in and we find out about all the problems that we have it would be great if I have health care. I’ve been to the hospital already twice this year (2009) and if it wasn’t for the insurance I’m under with my mother I would have to pay for it with my own money! I have no money! And I’ll be going to grad school soon and I’m afraid that my mother’s insurance won’t cover for me. What am I supposed to do? I’m just saying that this would relieve a lot of stress that I wouldn’t need if I had free health care. I just don’t feel comfortable giving free health care for those citizens that really don’t work hard in this country. Yeah there are circumstances that occur, but if anyone works hard during tough times, they truly should gain the benefit of their hard work!
I would also push to give free schooling for higher education, but I think that would be too much for the administration to push for the time being.
Anyway, I have spoken my peace. I’m outs

Screwtape Letters

2009-08-11T10:19:00.000-04:00

C.S. Lewis wrote in Screwtape Letters, “The real trouble about the set your patient is living in is that it is merely Christian. They all have individual interests, of course, but the bond remains mere Christianity. What we want, if men become Christians at all, is to keep them in the state of mind I call ‘Christianity And’. You know – Christianity and the Crisis, Christianity and the New Psychology, Christianity and the New Order, Christianity and Faith Healing, Christianity and Psychical Research, Christianity and Vegetarianism, Christianity and the Spelling Reform. If they must be Christians let them at least be Christians with a difference. Substitute for the faith some Fashion with a Christian coloring. Work on their horror of the Same Old Thing.”
Sorry this is a long quote, but it is really important to understand what Lewis is trying to write in the mouth of Screwtape.
I remember at church when my pastor would make fun of the Methodists or other denomination meaning that Baptists are the better of the denominations. I really really hated that because they are our brothers and sisters in Christ no matter what denomination they are. If we start to create differences within the Christian religion, then might as well give the devil the battle because we are not being one church. Yeah I understand that we all have our differences in theology, but who cares? If we fight about theology, we lose sight of the big freaking picture. Why can’t we just love people? Why can’t we be like Jesus. Jesus was not a Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, or whatever you are, he just loved people. He looked deep into each and everyone of our souls and saw something worth dying for. Give me that. I want to stop judging, I want to stop putting a label on myself, I want to be like Jesus. I'm outs

Failure

2009-07-05T12:59:00.000-04:00

It seems as though that when we fail there are two choices we can make, accept it (probably trying again or learning from it) or not accepting it. We all wish we could just accept our failure and push through, but sometimes it is not like that. When someone sins, like having sex before marriage, committing adultery, stealing, or lying; sometimes it feels like we cannot go back. How can one become a virgin again after giving their body to someone that was not their spouse or to someone that is just a jerk? How can one go back to where they were true to their spouse? How can one go back to having the trust they once had before they lied? How can I feel like I can go back? We can all say that we live in a messed up world. I used to (and sometimes still) have the hardest trouble accepting that though I’m disgusting, God still sees that I’m worth it. The thing about failure is that it brings you onto a new route. I started reading this book called “Three cups of Tea” by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin. I have only read the first three chapters, but it basically talks about Mortenson’s failure of climbing K2 and failing to fulfill his promise to his sister who had passed away. However, because of his failure he accidently went to the wrong city he was supposed to be in and life brought him onto a new route. After sin in our lives, which should ultimately bring death, in Christ it brings new life.
Last year before May hit I was a very different person than who I am now… well spiritually. I was prideful, I thought I was spiritually mature than most other people, I was a Pharisee. Of course, I don’t think I went as far as being like a Pharisee, but more like a metaphor. Anyway, after my failure and some angry talks with God I’m still a bit confused as to where I’m supposed to be. I still have a lot of growing up to do, but it brought be back to step one. My story doesn’t seem too inspiring, but God has a time for everything, I just need to be a bit patient I guess. Kind of like the movie “You, me, and Dupree” The mothership has not called me yet, lol.
Failing sometimes brings steps back, kind of like a one-step forward and two steps back, but this time its one-step forward and all the way back to square one. I think that is why people are afraid to fail. It’s not fun starting over.
However, starting over doesn’t mean doing the same thing over too. Maybe it’ll take you along a different track that you never thought you would ever take and enjoy it and it’ll be doing something to glorify God. Anyway, just some thoughts that I hope you enjoyed. I’m outs

Sorry...

2009-06-30T10:58:00.001-04:00

Sorry I haven't been posting in awhile. It's really difficult so have internet at my own home, so I'm going to try and fix it this week or ask Mark to fix it. I have some ideas for my next blog so come by and look around next week. Hope you guys have a wonderful week and a great fourth of July weekend!

I need an answer

2009-05-13T20:57:00.002-04:00

Don't know if the questions I have are what God wants me to ask so I can be closer to Him... Like if I ask certain questions people will think that I'm questioning God in a bad way, or questioning my beliefs. I'm really not trying to do that. I sometimes wish I just had blind faith and never cared for reason, but I want concrete things, which is weird because I am so abstract at times. Well I'm bringing this question out and hopefully someone can help me.
Are miracles really from God or is it just something science can not explain as of yet? And if it is scientific, is God really working in our lives? Is God really true and out there?
I know that there had to be a greater being to create this entire universe, but it sometimes doesn't seem logical, I might be becoming diest... Ahhh sorry if this begins to trouble you, I just want answers. I'm outs

Missions

2009-04-20T23:10:00.002-04:00

So I'm writing a ten page paper, but I thought I should take a break and write something that came to mind. Well I'm writing a paper on Native American values and how they are similar to Christian values. I found a lot of good stuff, anyway I'm reading on the history of missionaries coming from Europe to the New World and its funny how the Indians embraced the new religion and some Indians embraced it so well that they wanted to become priests for their own people. Instead of concentrating more on the Indians I concentrated more on the missionaries work and I realized that some missionaries make their mission place their home. God told us that we should go to the ends of the earth to preach the Good News, but the end of the world has been reached (except for some tribes in the Amazon that have probably not been found yet). I'm realizing more and more that the ends of the earth for me is right here, where I am right now, in my city. This is my home, this is my mission field, I don't need to go to another country or wutevs because sooner or later it will also become my home.
Side note, God told us we should not be like the world, meaning that this earth is not my home, so doesn't that mean that the ends of the earth is everywhere I go to?
Sorry this might sound all like a blabber so if it does don't be afraid to ask me what I mean because I know I don't make sense at times.
I'm outs.

Being a Christian

2009-04-07T21:58:00.003-04:00

When I took public speaking my first semester in college we had to go up and read an excerpt or story to the class as a speaker should. Well one student went up and read the poem that I posted below. It is written by Carol Wimmer. I really like the poem, except for one thing it says in the poem, but its pretty to the point.
A lot of times people believe I'm perfect and that I am ignorant of the world around me. Just because I am a Christian does not mean that I'm optimistic and that I push Jesus down people's throats. I have suffered the pain of divorce, a family member doing drugs, my own depression, bickering that I have nothing to do with but in which I'm in the middle of it, poverty, and the list can go on. I'm not perfect. When I first became a Christian I gave my life to Christ because I could not deal with it anymore. I was on the brink of suicide and then God told me He had plans for me and all I needed to do was trust Him. My depression went away for awhile, it was so liberating. Of course, I still suffer from depression from time to time, but it is not to an extent where I lose hope, I always get right back up. So for those who think my life is perfect, its not. And for those who don't like me because of one thing or other, I'm sorry for any wrong I have done to you, I'm only human and so are you. I don't do anything to not be liked, plus if you don't like me then you don't know me at all because if you did, then you would know that God loves me and that God commands us to love each other like God loves us. Anyway, give me some of your thoughts on the poem. Do you like it or don't like it? I'm outs

When I say "I am a Christian"...

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering "I get lost!"
"That is why I chose this way."

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need someone to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and pray for strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
my flaws are too visible
but God believes I'm worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
which is why I seek His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority.
I only know I'm loved.

Leaving it all inside

2009-04-03T23:09:00.002-04:00

I haven't written a poem in awhile. This is a different style than how I usually write, but I want to experiment. Tell me what you think.

It’s hard to breath
I keep it all inside
And that is all I feel

Scream loud
Know my thoughts
My heart is about to burst

Fake smile
Keep on going
Leave me be

I want what is inside out
I want to play
And experience this life

Us together
What were we thinking?
People are different

The mouth that
Speak sweet nothing’s in my ear
It just hurts more

Let me stay
I love you
And want only you

The World

2009-03-29T19:11:00.002-04:00

I haven't written in awhile. I haven't felt inspired to write. Anyway, last night I was feeling depressed, it comes from time to time. I was finally alone with my thoughts for the first time in two weeks and my skepticism comes rolling around and so do my questions. I wonder about creation and God's love and sometimes I can't add it up. I believe entirely in the God who created this universe and everything in it, but sometimes I wonder why. I wonder why the tree of the knowledge of good and evil was in the garden and I wonder why God chose us out of everything else. I think what really bothers me is why God loves us. In my other posts I seem to write about God's love in one way or the other, but its something I can't break through. It seems completely illogical to love humans. I try to understand God's reasoning. I know I can't, but I want to know. I've seen movies like Transformers and Watchmen and there is a consistent theme, Humans are worth saving. Why?
Another thing that disrupt my thoughts is why even try to do anything for this world? This world will soon die and anything I contribute to it will go to waste. I guess that is why God tells us to tell people about Him because nothing else really matters. I can be the best teacher in the world, but it comes to nothing anyway. I can be the best politician, the best musician, the best photographer, but it really comes to nothing. Yeah this sounds really depressing, but its so true. The only thing we can do is smile and just live. But live for what? The only thing worth living for is for God and that is already difficult to do. I'm not saying I don't want to, but the flesh can be so strong at times.
I might be too honest right now, but I feel alone in this world. I don't know if you guys ever feel that way. You could have all the friends in the world and still feel lonely or if your like me you feel as though you have all the friends in the world, but when I go through my phone book I only have two or three people that I know I can call on. If I passed away tomorrow the world will keep going on. When Aristotle, Martin Luther, and Napoleon died, the world kept moving on. They probably contributed to the world (Napoleon did because of all the revolutions), but like I said the world will soon die and it was all for nothing. Blah... Sorry if this depresses you like it does me. I just wish I knew what my next step is going to be or what God wants me to do. I'm outs

God's presence

2009-02-14T10:49:00.003-05:00

Lately I've been feeling a bit down. Sometimes depression takes grip of me and I wish I was someone else, somewhere else, or whatever else. This began last week after I stopped feeling God's presence. I thought I did something wrong or was doing something wrong and I got angry and usually my anger brings depression. I met with my RD (my boss you can say) and she was totally used by God. She told me that sometimes there are periods in our lives that God removes the feeling of His presence so that we can grow and be mature in Him. I thought I was doing something wrong. I thought God wasn't proud in what I was doing.
I used to struggle with perfection, not so much anymore. I always tried to make my Mom proud, but I always felt it wasn't good enough for my Mom. All I want to do is make God proud. I don't think I do good works so I can get to heaven because I already know I'm going there, but I just want to make God proud of me, of my life, and that I used it for Him. When I was with Michael it wasn't glorifying God and God told me so and so after a few months of reluctance I gave him up. I'm a bit more relieved to know that God sees that I'm old enough to make me more mature in Him.
Anyway, some good news, I got rehired to be an RA (residence Assistant) again for next school year. It's really exciting because I get to RA the honors building and plus the girls on my staff look wicked awesome! And I think I'm running for president of the student body, yup now its out there. I really think I'm going to do it. I have a vision and with some hard work on my part I think SG will go places. Here's for hoping. Please pray for me and for next year, and this semester too. It's a bit overwhelming with first screening (getting my teaching certificate) and some new things in my life. I'm outs

Depression = selfishness?

2009-01-27T15:43:00.001-05:00

I have a sincere question that I would really like people to answer to. Can being depressed also mean your selfish? I'm reading a book The Awakening and I was discussing it in class, but I just wanted to have a bit more insight to what you guys think. It can be a Christian view or a secular view, any view would be fine. Thanks, I'm outs.

Ch. 12 The Royal Road of the Holy Cross - Thomas á Kempis

2009-01-23T11:41:00.000-05:00

Matthew 16:24 says, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”
If anyone would come after me – so what does this mean? If anyone wants to do what God wills, then that means following him. A lot of people are talk and I have to admit that I at times am part of that group. I want to follow Christ, I want to go after him, but how do I do that? There are two parts to this question. First off:
He must deny himself – Deny myself? What does that mean? That means deny everything that I want, all my desires and ambitions I must deny.
The second part is:
Take up his cross and follow me. – What cross does Jesus talk about? Do I have to die on a cross like Jesus? No he already did that for me, but again we must put away our desires and ambitions. We have to put away our fleshly desires. What does that mean to a non Christian? Putting away our fleshly desires means putting away the things that are not right and then following God’s will for our lives instead of making our own choices.
I think following him is the hardest part of going after him. Like it means that my family comes second, my boyfriend comes second, my friends come second.
There are so many things I would love to write on this blog, I would love to just pour my heart out, but there is a time for everything and God has not told me to share just yet. So what I want to share is that following Jesus is not something simple. Following God includes suffering and it may not be physical suffering it may be emotional suffering. With my last boyfriend I was holding onto him so hard that when God told me I had to let go I just didn’t. When I finally did let him go I was completely angry with God because I didn’t want to let go. My heart at that time was worshipping my former boyfriend.
I gave my life to Christ at the age of fourteen, I thought I knew what I was getting myself into, but I have now realized that God wants all of me. I can’t serve Him and serve the world at the same time because they both have different objectives. All of this seems really gibberish right now for you if you haven’t experienced the suffering, but when it comes and you question your faith please remember that it’s suffering. God told us that suffering will come and maybe people will hate us. I had friends in high school that started to hate me when I quit marching band because I wanted to go on a mission trip to help people! I could not have done marching band and mission trip because it was at the same time, it was impossible to do so I had to choose between the world and eternity. We live in a messed up world and I just want to encourage you that it’s not all for nothing. I’m outs

Silver Boxes

2009-01-16T11:41:00.002-05:00

In one of my education courses, Survey of Exceptionalities, my professor decided to play a recording of this speaker who was talking about our words, meaning what we say in our everyday lives. She was saying that anything we say or don't say can either tear down or bring up people. The tongue is a powerful weapon. She was telling stories of the people in her life that told her of their ambitions and how that some people's words brought them to compromise and settle for less.
Anyway, the recording made me think a lot about my own life and my own ambitions and how I don't want to be old and look back upon my life and wish I followed my dreams. Since I was fourteen I know I always wanted to be a missionary, I wanted to go and serve those less fortunate and glorify God. But my parents always kind of discouraged me and said that it's not a reliable job and I should do something that will financially support me. If I had been encouraged and had been given silver boxes (presents of encouragement) maybe I'll be pursuing mission work in my college career rather than teaching. I know teaching will help me in a way for mission work, but I guess I'm afraid that maybe I'll feel too comfortable or that I'll be too afraid to go out and do mission work and do teaching instead. God has always put Africa and opening an orphanage there, but how would I be financed or what if no one cares. I know I should totally keep this up to God because He is faithful, but it just scares me. And I've always had an aspiration to write. Like I know I'm writing in this blog, but I mean that I want to be published or my writing to mean something. I know my blogs help in someway you guys that are reading this, but I guess I want bigger impact. I don't know, I have too many thoughts running through my head so hopefully I'll be able to figure out something, I guess right now I just have to take it one step at a time and hear God's voice. Anyway, you don't have to answer to me, but what are your aspirations and what has God placed in your heart to do for Him? Are you on that path or are you staying in that comfort zone? I'm outs

Getting used to change

2009-01-13T22:41:00.001-05:00

I just noticed that I keep putting year 2008 when its 2009. I think habits come and when we don’t need it anymore its hard to break, we need to keep reminding ourselves that things have changed. I sometimes forget that life changes and I need to remind myself over and over that things will never be able to go back. I remember going to Guatemala on a mission trip for the second time and thinking that everything will be the same, but life moves on even if your not there.
I was also reading through Isaiah and I finally finished the book today. There are so many different things going on in Isaiah, but I wish it kept going. In Isaiah 63 Isaiah questions God, He asks God why He has hardened their hearts, but God didn’t. Last semester I felt that God was hardening my heart and I was angry with God, I was angry with His will. But as Isaiah goes on, the things that were on the mind of the people were earthly things not heavenly things. In Isaiah 66 labor is being explained as a process. One doesn’t decide to just have a baby at that moment it takes time, it’s a process. And I forget that though things might happen, change might happen, I need to have my heart focused on God. This new life that I have in God is a process and I was reminded that growing in Christ is a process. I have to stop getting frustrated at myself for not being perfect and pick up my cross and follow God daily until I finish that race and receive the crown that will be bestowed upon my brow on the day I see my LORD. I’m outs.

New year blog

2009-01-11T21:36:00.002-05:00

School starts tomorrow!!! I am extremely excited. Yeah I know what you're thinking, total geek! Well wutevs, I'd rather be studying and learning new things rather than doing nothing beneficial. Well pray that I have a good semester and that I manage my time wisely with school, work, friends, and now a new boyfriend. Oh man too much to handle, lol. Anyway, I hope to be writing more this semester, last semester was a very emotional time and I hope it didn't bore you. I am a Developer, meaning I like to Develop people, so if your a Christian this blog is for you. I usually go into the word where the Holy spirit usually leads me and write it down. Well what God has been putting on my heart is sin, I am not judging or pointing the finger at anyone. We all have some sin issue and it's nice to know that your not the only weird person out there. I use this blog to glorify God so this blog is not my doing, but totally God's. Anyway, I will leave you with a passage of the Bible.
Isaiah 50:10-11 "Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God." I'm outs.

New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-01T11:04:00.002-05:00

Even if you don't write up a list, you know that every year you wind up wanting to change something or do something different. Like every year I embrace the new year hoping and searching for something different. I hope that change will come and if the change I wanted doesn't come then I search for it earnestly. Last night I was trying to figure out what I want different in my life. Well first off I would really like a 1. change in my spiritual walk. I don't mean read the bible everyday or read the bible in a year, but a change that will make me love God more in such a new way. Second, like every other person in the US a 2. change in my physical appearance. No I don't mean getting muscles, but being healthier by dieting correctly and exercising. I don't do enough exercise and my diet is pretty good, but it could be better. Third, I want to be 3. more available. I feel like I'm not available especially to my family. Fourth, of course I would like to do 4. better at school, get better grades. And fifth, be 5. more forgiving. That could go under spiritual walk, but even people who don't believe in God can forgive, and I've been horrible at forgiving and forgetting, especially the forgetting part. I can't even forgive myself for some things, but I know I must move on. Anyway, embrace change, even the bad because it molds us. I'm outs.

Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009

2008-12-31T17:01:00.002-05:00

I don't mean to offend anyone in this blog, please just be open to what I have to say. I know random people read this blog and even my friends, but if you started reading this please finish. Today is the last day of the year and I know plenty of us have had a lot of regrets, a lot of memories, and some of you did a lot of growing up. I have some regrets, if you've been reading my blogs you can certainly tell that there is something wrong, but I've done a lot of growing up in the process. Tomorrow will be a new day, a new year, and I know some of you are looking forward to change. Obama certainly has told us that change is here, and though I didn't vote for him, he's right. But what Obama doesn't understand is that change has always been happening.
Well the reason I wanted to write this blog is because I wanted to share something that I think some people can agree with me. I've been raised in the church all my life and then I became a Christian at 14, but I think the most beautiful thing I've ever seen is when a man is completely surrendered to God. I remember a few months ago I went to church and the pastor asked anyone that wanted to come forward to accept Christ. I saw an old man come forward and I couldn't help but cry. I don't why I cried, I've never met the man before and I don't think I ever will again. I think what made me sad is that he was old. He wasted his entire youth on things of the flesh and now is when he'll be starting to live his life for Christ.
I want to encourage anyone to make this resolution if you haven't done so, live without regrets. If you haven't surrendered, if you haven't given, if you haven't promised to God that you will live your life for Him you should. Look I'm not an emotional girl. I don't like to cry or have emotions, I live by my reason and if it doesn't make sense then I don't like to do it at all. I swore to live my life for God because to tell you the truth it doesn't make any sense to live for myself because I will die one day.
Everyone needs a Savior, even in the movie Superman Returns, they recognize that we all need someone. If you can tell me that you have never cried out for someone to help you then please respond to this and tell me that. When I became a Christian at 14 it wasn't because someone told me about God, I knew about God. For some reason God revealed Himself to me and literally saved my life because I wanted to end my life. I can give you passages upon passages and stories upon stories about why you should become a Christian, but I'm not going to because the passages and the stories are not the things that save people, it's you recognizing that you need help and the only person that is going to save you is God. Being a Christian doesn't mean that your parents are not going to get divorced or your kids won't stop rebelling, but it means that those things will be used for God's glory instead of just being another statistic. And though I don't know who is going to read this, just know that I love you and if this makes me look like a fool I don't care, but I'd look like a fool to help anyone out. There is so much more I want to write, but this is long enough. If you have any more questions, just comment me or if you don't want to share your question with the rest of the world you can email me at stephanie-sousa@hotmail.com. Anyway, have a Happy New Year and God Bless. I'm outs.

Coming Home

2008-12-28T14:04:00.000-05:00

There is always a good and bad when coming back home after a long time. The good part of coming back home is the feeling of being accepted because these are the people I grew up with. I remember all the good old times and meet with good old friends and it feels like nothing has changed. The bad part about coming home is that some of the bad habits that I threw away come back. I get back into the habit of my old ways and I start to hate it, I start to hate coming back home, and I start to grow more apart from my friends that I grew up with. It's quite a dilemma. Any thoughts? I'm outs

Stupid Grammar

2008-12-09T10:55:00.003-05:00

So I'm a HORRIBLE writer!!! I think I have good topics and such, but my grammar and way of writing just sucks!! As I write this blog, I'm afraid that I might have a million grammar issues already. Most of my professor's have commented on my writing, they all say I'm smart, but my grammar is just appalling. I have to do something about this. How am I supposed to be an amazing history major but have crappy writing? I can't wait to take my Writing about Literature next semester, I will have the most amazing English professor, Dr. Elmore, and I really hope that she can help me. I will totally go to tutoring or another class just to be better. It really hurts my grades especially in my honors classes and history classes. Anyway, I just want to ask you guys, my faithful readers, to correct my grammar in these blogs! I am disgusted and I am incredibly sad that I had no idea my grammar was bad. And to give some moral to this story, sometimes when were surrounded by the same people we won't notice our mistakes, but as we branch out to unknown territories like college, our mistakes are noticed and we just need to hope that someone will tell us our mistakes so we can correct them or learn from them. I'm outs.

Uncompromising, Loving, and Prayer

2008-11-30T03:41:00.003-05:00

Christians have been persecuted since the beginning of Christianity. The Jews could not tolerate us and neither could the rest of the world. I think the people that were Christians at that time were clearly true, they chose to stand out and be killed because of the truth. When Constantine became King in the 300's I think that's when Christianity started its downfall from truth to theology. I'm not saying that theology is bad, I think it helps some people come to the faith, but I think that we can get so caught up into theology that we forget that even if I were an Armenian and my friend is a Calvinist we still both have Jesus Christ as our LORD and Savior. He loves us. That being a side note, I think in today's world we, as Christians, have become so compromising in our beliefs or even too radical. Some people have been compromising in the fact that they go along with culture, the Bible is not with us culturally anymore, it's not a living book is what I hear from some people and I know that is not true because in John 1:1 it says, "In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God." So to say that the Bible doesn't understand us today is to say that God does not understand us. And now to go to the opposite end of the spectrum, the radicals. Yeah I understand God sees homosexuality as a sin, but it doesn't mean that we should hate or even ignore those who take on that lifestyle or even accept it. We should love them, but be firm and PRAY! We are not a people of prayer anymore. The people in Acts 2 prayed for everything and God provided to their every need. We have been so used to providing things ourselves that we don't pray to God for our necessities like food, shelter, and clothing. Anyway, this might seem all discombobulated, but be a people of prayer, uncompromising, and loving. I'm not saying I do these things all the time, I have the hardest time trying not to compromise, but I want to encourage you guys out there to be a people of God. I'm outs.

Wishing it was just a movie or book

2008-11-23T22:18:00.003-05:00

There are times in our lives where we wish we could be someone else or be somewhere else. I might not be the only one, but I think I've always never wanted to be me. I always stuck myself into movies and books because it brought me to a new world. I thought I was the character, but not only because I would be that someone else, but I know that at the end of the movie it's not real. Sometimes i just wish my life was just a movie, it'll end eventually in a few hours. I don't know if I'm pushing any buttons out there, but I just wanted to share that your not alone... I remember when i was a little girl I wished my life would be dramatic, or not all that "nice." I think that's the worst wish I ever made, I guess I just wanted to have my life to be screwed up so at the end I would have someone to make it all better and sweep me off my feet. Sounds girly... I just want to be out of this body already, too much hurt and pain. I don't understand how God loves us. We are so screwed up most of the time, I don't even think we should have any mercy, we're disgusting, but I guess we all need someone to make everything better and maybe not in the way we think is better. I'm just rambling now... I'm outs.

Perseverance

2008-11-11T14:49:00.004-05:00

I used to read Psalm 139 with such happiness because at least I knew God understands me, He made me. But at the end of the Psalm David asks God, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
At least with me, I have the hardest time taking correction. I can hear it, but I have the hardest time doing it. And in these past few months God has been telling me to take things out of my life, and I refused. I wanted to keep them to myself. I told God to let me keep those things, there mine! It seems that when we're supposed to give God our everything, He means EVERYTHING!!! God had to do a lot of things to keep me from those things I wanted. I still desperately want to go back, I cry and argue and I become angry almost all the time. Every morning I just want to go back, but by the middle of the day I'm glad to have my friend, Mandi, keeping me straight and focused.
And it's funny, now that i think about, I've been quoting James chapter 1 to some people a few months ago when I started hearing His voice to start giving up things. James is encouraging us to keep going, to persevere. He says, "consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
God knows us so well. He knows that I need to go through what I'm going through right now to be what He needs me to be. He has to tear down my pride and tear down my priorities. I'm not saying I won't have a problem with this again and I'm not saying this problem is gone. I'm totally still struggling. I cry almost everyday because I hate going through this. It hurts so much, but I know that at the end of this training there will be a race and when I win that race I know that God was in it. I'm trying to be positive here. It's so hard the things we go through, the things we need to give up even if that means friends or loved ones.
There are some days I don't know what I'm doing, I get scared. All seems like a fog. But God is not confusion, He is not the fog, He is the still quite voice that whispers in our ears when we are most terrified and are willing to give up everything to just hear His voice. "Be still and know that I am God." I'm outs

Wait...

2008-11-08T01:55:00.003-05:00

The Devil has no control over me, all he can do is put thoughts in my head.
For I no longer am a slave to sin, but a slave to righteousness. I no longer carry my cross alone or for myself, but Jesus Christ carries it with me and I carry it for him who stores my inheritance in an eternal Heaven.
My flesh desires and my spirit is lost in the crowd, but all I can think of is to wait. "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14
It's doesn't say I will feel Him or things will get better or what I want will fall right upon my feet at the moment I want it, but to just wait. His timing is perfect, He is perfect, He is my salvation.
Praise Him for He is always near and will NEVER fail! I'm outs...

Presidential Election

2008-10-31T18:15:00.003-04:00

I usually don't write anything about politics, but I think I should... A lot of heat has been moving around between the Republicans and the Democrats. I was trying to figure out why there aren't many you tube videos against McCain but find a lot on Obama. Well I think it's because Obama is probably going to become President. I really think he might, but I'm not endorsing Obama, I'm endorsing McCain. But before you vote for President watch this you tube video about Obama. To tell you the truth Obama scares the crap out of me and I don't think a President that scares people should be President. No offense to McCain, but he looks like he can't a hurt a fly, he's really old... Anyway, watch the video and tell me what you think. I'm outs

God will always be there for us

2008-10-29T18:33:00.003-04:00

I've posted this video before, but I thought I should post it again. A lot has been going on in my life and its overwhelming sometimes, but I'm grateful to have a loving God who will always be there for me. Anyway, I hope you enjoy. I'm outs

I'm sorry

2008-10-25T19:02:00.002-04:00

The rain is falling and the hall is empty.
I want to get out, but it's so easy in here.
I want to run in the rain and get completely wet
I don't care what happens,
I just want out.

Save me, complete me,
Fill this empty space within my heart.
Do not leave me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Your presence

2008-10-21T17:11:00.004-04:00

I'm surrounded, but yet alone.
Who should comfort me?
Who should take this
war within me?
My tears are unheard and
fall in vain
Who should care for me?
Grace and Mercy are too
new to me to understand.
LORD, comfort me.
I do not feel You near and
all I want is Your presence.

I am faithless!

2008-10-05T13:13:00.003-04:00

I don't feel like I'm good enough to say I'm a Jesus freak. I'm not. I FAIL YOU!!!
Help me get past that phrase. I didn't want to go on past it. The devil tells me I can't pass the fact that I'm a failure. I know that I can, but all I can think about is how in every way I have sinned. I am disgusting in Your sight. Please remind me that You will always be with me. In all my prayers I ask You to remind me. I am so forgetful about what You have done for me. All throughout the Old testament the people of Israel needed to be reminded of what You have done for them. Please don't look away from me. My prayer is that of David, look within me and find anything not up to Your standards and change it. I beg you!
Though I am faithless You are faithful.
2 Timothy 2:13
"if we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself."

Oh the wonderful Cross
You took my place
And now I will live forever.
You are so merciful,
not because You have to
But because You love me.
LORD, why do you love me?
I bang my chest,
I scream out loud,
I look like a fool.
I am disgusting,
Yet You see so much worth in me.

I'm outs.

Isaiah 12

2008-09-28T21:04:00.002-04:00

Isaiah 12:2
"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation."
The only one I am not afraid to go to is my God. I am not afraid to cry, to argue, to run away from because though I am faithless and disbelieve at times, He is still there.
I am not afraid to go to Him anytime because he does not become annoyed. I am grateful and the LORD will be my God.

Though the storm is here, I will sing.
Though I am afraid, I will dance.
Though I feel alone, I will praise You,
And you alone I will praise and rest in You

I want a penny!

2008-09-10T00:11:00.000-04:00

I decided to go to chapel a day early and found myself zoning out until the ending of the “sermon.” I wasn’t zoning out because of the topic or the person preaching, but I found myself thinking about other things that have been on my mind rather than keeping them in God’s hands. Well the end of the sermon the college pastor, Bernie, started talking about his son and gave a meaningful story that really hit home. He started out talking about wishing wells and how he saw it as a waste of money and no point to them. Well his son liked to throw pennies in the well and his youngest son, Nicholas, liked to throw pennies at the people on the other side of the well. I thought that was quite funny. Well the Bernie gave his first son all the pennies in his right pocket and when Nicholas asked for pennies Bernie reached into his left pocket and found that there were no pennies in his left pocket. He asked his wife if she had any pennies and she had none either. Well then he pulls out a five dollar bill and tells Nicholas that that was all he had. Nicholas refused the five and cried out that his father promised him a penny. Bernie told him that the five was worth 500 pennies, but Nicholas still wanted just one penny.
The point of the story was that Nicholas wanted that one penny when his father was giving him something worth more than a penny, 500 pennies! And Bernie used it to show that God has such a huge plan for us, but we choose the lesser value at times. I know for sure that I sometimes chose the penny because my trust is not in God, I don’t understand what the five dollar bill is, but God knows so much more than I can fathom and I need to trust in Him. This is totally easier said than done, but when was it never cool to have an ideal than no goal at all? I’m outs.

what happened to focus?

2008-09-05T14:10:00.002-04:00

I'm sorry for not writing lately. My mind has not been in focus. I'm thinking of too many things at the same time. School, relationships, friends, family, church, I can't seem to keep my mind focused. When i started writing this blog my biggest concern was focus. I seem to have a huge problem on just focusing and get caught up in the moment that I forget importance. It seems that it doesn't matter how many lists i write up and how many things I check off, it doesn't seem like it will ever end. I guess its lack of patience that my mind can't seem to focus. I want things to happen now, be done now, but i have to wait.
One thing that I have learned is that I think its better if God doesn't tell us what is going to happen. I learned the hard way that if God tells me something I kind of put it into my own hands instead of just waiting for God's perfect timing. For example, God tells me I'm going to be CEO of a company, so what I start doing is start pushing myself to the top instead of waiting for God to lift me up into the position. It takes time to get to the top, if I got to the top in 5 years, well I might fall in a few months or years because instead of waiting for the right people to put me in the right positions I went through the easy positions to get there.
Well this doesn't make any sense anymore, hopefully I won't be taking so much time between blogs, I love to write. I'm outs...

Do you want to know what I struggle with?

2008-07-25T09:35:00.002-04:00

We all have these different struggles in our lives be it cussing, pornography, trust, sex before marriage whatever it may be. I think what I struggle with the most is actually being a Christian. Not that I don't believe in God or what Jesus Christ did for me on the cross, I truly believe in God and His magnificent works, but the world seems so eager to please me.
Before I even started college, life was good to me, God blessed me in many different ways that I didn't see it necessary or even want to give in to the world. I did the most dumbest thing when I started college, I let my guard down. That armor we're supposed to be wearing I saw it too heavy to carry and dropped some really important things that I need. Ephesians 6:10-18.
I dropped my guard and now I have to pick myself back up again. Pick up my armor. It's heavy, I'm not going to lie, but I have to look forward to the prize and I think I lost sight of that. I became proud and thanked God for giving me so many blessings when i should have been humble. Kind of like King David. He defeated so many countries that when the War of Kings came along he was too proud to go. And there goes his guard, it drops, and he commits adultery.
I was setting up Risk just the other day and the board was backwards to me, I was on top of the world. And a thought occurred to me, when I'm on top of the world you see everything backwards, if your at the bottom you see everything right side up. "Wow sounds so theological", but its not, its true. It does look nice in the valley for a reason with all the life and trees surrounding, the streams surrounding, it seems logical that life happens and grows at the bottom. I hope this was some food for thought. Sorry for not blogging enough this month.
And just to be a reminder that this is for all God's glory so please don't praise me for my writing, its nice, but I wouldn't be writing if it wasn't for God and His awesomeness and His goodness and holiness and everything that He is. I'm outs.

Belonging

2008-07-09T16:25:00.004-04:00

So this past week I received something in the mail from my school from a "club" pursay that welcomes new students to the school, Welcome Week. Anyway, this past week I received a letter from one of the leaders of Welcome Week and I thought it should take up one of my blogs. I hope you enjoy.

Hey Fish leaders and Navigators
I hope you guys are having a very relaxing summer. please know that you are missed this summer here at PBA! Let me (Jon) begin by telling you about my summer. My summer has been packed full. I have been working in a new ministry called Revolution ministries which reaches out to Belle Glade. Belle Glade is about an hour from West palm Beach. It is one of the poorest cities in Florida and the nation. It has the highest occurrence of HIV/AIDS in America, while 7 out of 10 homes do not pass Health Inspections. I have been working with the youth in different ways doing service projects, youth groups and discipleship ministries. The one thing that bothers me is the sense of hopelessness these children have. One of the boys I disciple, age 13, had been absent for about 2 weeks, he came recently and i was catching up on what had been going on in his life. His father left their family with no source of income, and this teen joined a gang. He actually joined one of the worst gangs in town and I asked him why he wanted to be in a gang. His response was "I just wanted to feel like I belonged." Just like this boy, many of our students want to belong somewhere so they join the Cripps, the Bloods, or the True Haitian soldiers. We belong to the Body of Christ and we need to show that through our service. If we genuinely serve, we will add new members to the Body of Christ. I have seen a lot of students in this area come to know Christ.

Then Jon goes on with things about Welcome Week and how this pertains to welcome week, but the moral of me bringing this letter out there is the truth behind it. How I sometimes just want to belong and do things that I never dreamed of doing. Thank God I have never been put to that situation, but it makes me think on what kind of difference I can make if I just accept people for who they are and love them just like God loves us. Thanks Jon for your letter. I'm outs.

Scars of a frigntened teenager

2008-07-06T20:38:00.002-04:00

What makes me angry is the fact that some people think they can just run away from their problems and not face them. Be it whatever it is. Marriages failing because there isn't any communication or trust or too tired or whatever it may be. My parents got a divorce because my dad couldn't freaking handle my mom anymore. My dad and step mom are getting divorced because she stopped communicating with my dad. Divorces left and right. And then people wonder why young adults and teens are more likely to have sex rather than get married. Its scary to think that you share this life with one person and then they up and leave you. What bothers me is I try to figure out what is going on through the head of the person leaving. I can't understand why one would do that, unless of course their beating you up. I think its just selfish. Because not only does the spouse get screwed over but the kids too and little cousins, nieces, nephews, little brothers and sisters.
I get scared. I'm deathly afraid of marriage or getting too close. With my boyfriend, I can't help but still wonder. He knows that and he tries to help me, but its a scar thats deep and stays. I think that is why I get so attached with people, try to be there for people. My sister too, though we hate on each other lots of times. When someone becomes my friend I try to be there for that person because I hope that they will be there for me too. Kind of like a family, but I'm not comparing it to my blood family, but to a bonding family that sticks closer than blood. A David and Jonathon kind of family.
This is love. No not a love that you feel, but a love that stays even when you don't feel it. What is that kind of love? Enduring, Everlasting, Never Failing. Only through Christ can one understand that kind of love. I've been in a pile of crap because of my sin and its been hard to listen to what people have to say and its been hard for God to move through me. I have this thing that makes me detached from life. I don't want to be apart, but a part of people's lives. So whenever I feel I'm going to fail, I have someone to catch me. And though I have this scar I know not to make the same mistakes. And though I make mistakes I have a God that will always carry me through. I'm outs.

Sex before marriage?

2008-07-03T23:02:00.002-04:00

So I've been asking different types, kinds of people their opinion about sex before marriage. Some people say to wait till you do get married, some people say that the bible is in the past and some of the things are irrelevant, some people say if you love them might as well do it, and some people say do whatever you want.
Well to those who say do whatever you want do not think about the consequences.
Those who say if you love them might as well do it, well what does love really mean to you? Is it just someone that you trust or someone you see your life going somewhere with? If its someone that you trust, thats good, but it needs to go beyond trust. If you see your life going somewhere with that person then might as well wait just in case something does occur that obscures it.
Those who say that the bible is irrelevant today are being dumb. The things God says are not stuck in a time period. He is omnipresent, He does not live in the world of time, John 1:1 says, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." So if the Bible is irrelevant that means that God is irrelevant and He is not, He is what keeps us together, keeps us living, keeps the universe from falling apart.
For those who say just wait till marriage have a point. Once someone has sex they have that intimacy that should be kept in a marriage. They become one body.
So for those Christians who are questioning about having sex before marriage, don't do it. God said it for a reason, He wants us to live peaceful, fulfilling lives for Him and why shouldn't we? He gave up His life for us so that we may be with Him forever. Anyway, I'm outs

Career

2008-06-30T15:36:00.001-04:00

Usually I've been doing blogs on thoughts that have been running through my head. Hopefully my transparency has helped some of you that read my blogs. Well lately I have felt no inspiration to write, I desperately want to write but my fingers just are not corresponding. I came to the realization that my pride and stubbornness has probably blocked this because now it might be used to satisfy me instead of glorifying God. So for right now I am going to write something about what God has been pointing me to. This won't make any of you think, it just will help me organize my thoughts.
When I was a little girl I wanted to be an astronaut, then I wanted to become a teacher, I loved to play class and play the teacher with my friends. Then when I was fourteen I wanted to become a missionary. From then till about a month ago I wanted to be a missionary, it would change sometimes to linguist then government official, but its basically been a missionary. But though I want to be a missionary my heart was never in the right place for it. I wanted to be a missionary to change the world, not to glorify God. I just wanted to be remembered and not let God move through people. Though I wanted to be a missionary I always day dream about teaching teenagers in a Christian school. I like to have my own space and teach freely and have people listen to me. I like to think of ways to keep people's attention and I love to organize things so I would be great at organizing class discussions and organizing class days. It motivates me.
Though being a missionary has been a dream of mine, I have to get back to where God wants me to be and has molded me to be. So no more seminary school, sad, no Journeyman which I wouldn't have been able to do since I don't go to a Baptist church, but a nondenominational church. I have no idea where to go from here since all my plans since I was fourteen has circled around being a missionary. But for some reason I think I know what God has in plan and I'm looking forward to it. My last blogs have been to call out to God and he will always be there and guide you so I leave off with this verse from Jeremiah 33:3, "‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’"
I'm outs

Prayer

2008-06-24T18:23:00.003-04:00

Another one on prayer.
Yeah prayer has been a lot on my mind lately. But for good reason, lately I haven't been able to talk to God, call it sin, trying to hide from God, or no time, but lately it's actually been my pride and my stubbornness in the way. I've had a problem with my selfish ambitions and trying to give God glory. Matthew 6:24 says, "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money." What Jesus was saying was that money gives us wealth of this world, its that material thing that was in the way of glorifying God. I'm totally not saying money is bad, we do need to pay bills and not be in debt, but it has a totally deep meaning to it. Well back to prayer, this morning while I was laying in bed and of course not worrying about the day (phew no school for another 2 months) I was pondering on my relationship with God and some other important stuff like my future. I have big dreams if you didn't know, I want to change the world, I want to be another Paul, I want a revival through out the world so that my LORD Jesus can come back and take me to heaven. Well this week God kind of put me in my place. He totally humbled me. I finally submitted to God's will and once I did that I had this peace within me. I can talk to God, really talk to God again. So my dreams are going to have to stay as dreams and submit to what God really wants me to do.
I don't understand why I went through this trial, but like it says in James "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." I know this isn't a trial like in the times of James, it must have been more difficult and in many countries today that don't like the Christian faith like Islamic countries, China, India, most Asian countries, but its a more inner thing I need to work at. I was reading the Jesus freak book Voice of the Martyrs and the way they are put in trials and some die and some live and some are tortured beyond anything else. I have not been put in any of those trials, God has blessed me by living in a country that I can believe in God without being persecuted, but there are some things that I have yet to mature in. Like self control.
I also went to the compassion concert of Shane Grove at Calvary and Mr. Grove was telling about his trip to a conference in I think Africa and the country used to kill Christians in the 80s, but now it has stopped and Grove was telling this pastor how he wants to send them music from the states. Well the pastor looks at him and says I have heard your music and it is beautiful, but it has not been where I have been. So true.
Anyway back to prayer. In the early church whenever the Christians came together they ate bread fellowshipped and then prayed and whenever they prayed something always happened. Their number grew daily. Something is wrong today then. And it can't be that people don't believe in prayer because we see miracles happen, I think it has to do with the first point I had, selfish ambitions versus God glorification.
Anyway, I have written too much, this is blog number 98, so I'm looking forward to my 100th blog, I hope you guys are enjoying my blogs and its been making you think. I'm outs.

Sin

2008-06-18T22:27:00.003-04:00

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Sometimes I forget that Christians have ups and downs and when those downs come how I wish they didn't, I feel alone and I tend to push myself away emotionally from people, but I also pull myself towards people just so someone can smack me out of this funk.
I guess sin is what brings me into this funk, but its not a stealing candy or killing an ant kind of thing, but the sin that you want to keep to yourself and you can't even tell your best friend. Yeah you know what I mean. It's that kind of sin that your afraid of. How will my friend react once I tell her? How will they see me after I tell them? Will they judge me? Ahhh how my insides scream for understanding. I went to church tonight and this song really hit home.

Chorus:
Lead me to the cross where your love poured out.
Bring me to my knees Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself I belong to you.
Lord lead me
Lead me to the cross.

Beautiful song.
I'm ask God earnestly for forgiveness, but I know that God forgives me, I think the biggest obstacle is forgiving myself. I try to bring myself to perfection, but when I sin I remember... I'm human. How I wish I could be just wholly God's, get rid of this flesh that holds me back.
I'm outs

Lately...

2008-06-17T17:45:00.002-04:00

Lately I've had a problem with prayer. I do believe in prayer and I always ask people to pray for me, I do believe in God and I believe He could do all things, but I keep putting God in a box. I pray for things, but I half think that it won't be answered. God has provided so much to me already, but I sometimes become like the Israelites in the desert. God provides them food and direction yet they still turn away. I don't want to be like them. I want to have hope. I don't understand why I can't just believe, God has done so much for me already. I don't know, I have to get out of this funk that I am currently in. I just hope that I'm taking the road God wants me to take, I need God to help me come back to that place where I first believed. That is always the hardest for me to do. To go back. I've grown so much, yet God tells us to have a child like faith, and that means going back to where I first believed because that is when it was its strongest.
Sometimes I feel like breaking my legs so when it comes to relearning it I could learn it better (figuratively of course.) Anyway, I'm blabbering, I have no idea how this is teaching any of you guys in growing in your faith, but I know that my little faith will always be used for God's glory.
Oh one more thing, my birthday was June 13th, thank you for any of you guys that called me or texted me, it was way nice, but I think the one thing that really made my day was a message I received from a friend that morning. A friend of mine in high school was a total atheist, I talked to him about God for all 4 years in high school, I never stopped. Well he told me thank you for always talking to him about God because it helped him come to God, now he is a Christian. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that all the name calling I received and the rough shoulder I received in high school was all for God's glory. To help bring one person to Christ makes up for all the harshness I received. I know there was a party in heaven for one person that came to Christ and for the obedience that the Christian has for talking to that nonbeliever. God enjoys are obedience rather than our sacrifices.
1 Samuel 15: 22-23
"But Samuel replied:
'Does the LORD delight in burnt
offerings and sacrifices
as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
and to heed is better that the fat of rams.
For rebellion is like the sin of divination,
and arrogance like the evil of idolatry.
Because you have rejected the word of the LORD
he has rejected you as king.'"
Well like I said too much blabbering, I don't know how this all makes sense, maybe only Hispanics will be able to understand my train of thought. Anyway, I'm outs.

Conversation

2008-06-12T13:52:00.004-04:00

Thank you for those who were praying. My sister eventually came back home she left because of some issues she didn't want to handle, thank you for your prayers.
Anyway, this past week I was in Tennessee, amazing times, so many stories, but I'm sure my boyfriend will say it better than I can, he's more of the story teller than I am. Well while I was there I got to take hold of a book. I'm pretty sure a lot of you have either read it or heard about it, it's the Jesus Freaks; dc Talk and the Voice of the Martyrs. I just started reading it and can't put it down. So many different stories and it was all for God's glory. How awesome! I'm guessing that most of the time I'll write about the stories, their just so amazing and heart moving.
Well I wanted to talk about prayer. I've noticed how some people shy away from praying in front of a group, I understand that some people are shy, but when it comes to praising God I don't think people would really shy away from an opportunity of talking to the Holy LORD. I'm thinking that some people just don't know how to pray. Jesus gives an example of prayer in Matthew 6:9-13.

"'Our father in Heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one
for yours is the kingdom
and the power and the glory forever. Amen.'"

Jesus never meant for this prayer to be prayed every time your going to pray, it's just an example. You would first want to recognize him as the LORD of all, then ask him to let you be open to his will, then ask for forgiveness from our sin, then ask him to help us in our time of need, and then you would praise him. This is how I see it, some people see it differently and that is perfectly fine. But God has not asked us to be machines of prayer, reciting the prayers we once learned in our younger years. It's supposed to be a relationship, talk to God like you would talk to your father when you need someone to help you, talk to Him as your friend when you need someone to talk to, and talk to Him as a King with all the praise he so righteously deserves. But never forget that God wants to talk to you too, so don't forget to read His word, if you have time to read my blog then you surely have time to read his Living Word. John 1:1 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." So if you read His Word, God is actually talking to you. Well I'm outs.

Feelings

2008-06-02T11:30:00.002-04:00

I've always had a problem with feelings. Sometimes I think it keeps me from really seeing people or choices realistically. People have said that love can keep you in a bad relationship or can keep one from seeing all the bad things in a person's life. Because of this I always put myself down whenever I feel angry, or sad, or even feel love. I keep myself from crying, I attempt to keep myself from showing anger, and I always put myself down whenever I start to love because maybe it'll keep me from seeing the person for who they really are. But lately, meaning the last 2 days, I think my perspective has been changing on the subject of feelings. I think, like any other thing, feelings just need to be in check, it just can't go way too far, it needs to be controlled. Like with food. What would happen if I only ate chocolate all the time? My body would not have the nutrition it needs, I would need to have some food that would give me the proper nutrition. Chocolate isn't bad, you just need to make sure your having other foods as well.
Many of you don't know but my sister ran away. The first night my mom woke me up and said Sammy ran away. I just stayed laying in my bed and for some reason I was like "oh don't worry she'll come back." But then I pushed myself out of bed, changed, got into my car, and then it hit me, she's not coming back. I went searching for her, I started crying, I hate crying. When I got back home my mom had called the police and my dad, they started discussing and whatever. I went back into my room and just laid there. I think I stayed laying there for about an hour before I finally got myself back to sleep. 2 Days later, I went from sad to completely angry. How can she leave, how can she be so selfish? I hated myself for crying and actually caring for someone who is so unappreciated. But then this past weekend, I felt convicted in my heart. How can I be so unforgiving, while God forgives all of my sin? I am unappreciated at times too.
I'm still angry, and I'd rather die than cry over her again, but finally after a week, I was finally able to forgive and let go and keep it in God's hands. She's still gone, for some reason I've been able to keep myself detached so I don't care what happens to her. Kind of harsh, but not my fault. I hope nothing bad happens to her, but I've stopped caring, it's in God's hands.
How is this attached to feelings, well I hated myself for crying and my anger just built up inside, and I can't help but find that her running away is my fault, I couldn't see past her face that she was thinking of leaving. I knew her past mistakes and I chose to see past it because I loved her and thought she sort of changed. I tried to believe that she changed. Me and her know each other so well, but I chose to forget. How can I have been so dumb? I guess that's why I hate feelings. But then I take God into consideration for me and I can't help but fear God (be in awe for those who don't know the other definition of fear.) God is not dumb, just loving and merciful. How I wish I was like that more.
Another thing about feelings is that that is where passion comes from. My passion has always been kids and now I see that my passion has been more focused on the kids in Africa. Which brings me to another point. Someone pointed out to me that what I may be passionate about may not be someone else's, they might have another passion that God has called them to. I get angry at people who don't take the kids or the wars in Africa serious, but it's not their fault, God hasn't called them to do that, but work in some other part. It's a body with different functions. Which brings me to something that I've been thinking about for a long time. A United Nations missionary organization. There are so many different missionary organizations, but because of different beliefs or denominations they don't attempt to work together for some bigger purpose that God has. I know we all have different interpretations of the scriptures, but isn't our main focus God and His son Jesus Christ? Even Paul says that if it doesn't make anyone stumble then its fine. "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." Anyway, I'm still working on this whole idea that I have, but I hope that if it is started that it'll be for God's glory, not our self pride. Anyway, I'm outs.

Long Weekend

2008-05-27T10:23:00.002-04:00

How I wish this past weekend was like any other weekend, nothing special about it. Go to the movies, hang with friends, work, church, the regular things that I do.

I want to runaway
From my everyday
Responsibilities of life.
To forget would be such
A blessing.

"Is there anything to do?"
I ask with eagerness.
To keep my mind occupied
would be such a blessing.

Oh to think, to let
My mind wander,
What a curse!

How I wish people would just leave me alone on things that I care little for anymore. This weekend will forever be in my mind and I don't need anyone to remind me of it, I need no one to ask questions.

How I want to scream
And not feel the strain.
How I want to feel, but
Not feel attached.
I want to run, but
Not feel tired.
I want to forget, but
It always keep coming
Back to mind.
Such torture of the body
To my weak heart.

I wish people could just understand, but I've come to the realization that no one will ever understand, only God.
Psalm 139:1 "O LORD, you have searched me and you know me." Verse 15"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth."
Psalm 141:8, "But my eyes are fixed on you, O Sovereign LORD; in you I take refuge - do not give me over to death.
Psalm 142:1-2, "I cry aloud to the LORD; I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble."

I have such turmoil within me, and I do not wish to bring misery upon others.

Some of you might be thinking, "then why write this whole blog?" Well I just wanted to show that I'm not the happy go lucky person everyone thinks I am. STOP PUTTING ME IN A BOX! I'm human too. I'm outs.

HELP!!!

2008-05-22T14:31:00.002-04:00

James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
I think the the thing that makes me get up out of my seat and makes me want to do something is the oppression and poverty occurring in Africa. I think that is where God wants me to go when I become a missionary. The refugees fleeing their homes, the killings, dictatorship, genocides, all of these things just make me want to cry out and help.
How can I help now? pray to God, help donate money when i can, that is all i can do at this moment. But what angers me to the point of screaming and writing all this down is that there are people who have enough money and waste it on things of this world when they could invest it in people that are worth so much more than anything in this world. Every person is a "one of a kind." If a friend of mine dies nothing will be able to replace them, if a child dies because of lack of food, aids, disease, natural disaster, nothing will be able to replace that one child.
What angers me too is the fact that some churches waste, WASTE money on trying to build a beautiful church or use it on something that will not glorify God in any way. I think what glorifies God the most is when someone obeys His word, when someone gives a helping hand for the kingdom of God. There is a festival in heaven when someone truly gives up their life for Christ. I think every denomination of Christianity should put all their beliefs aside and work TOGETHER, like one body. Christ says that he is the head, so we should focus on him and put our feelings aside, their are things much more important than our beliefs, it is God's glory that is most important.
I have also heard that there are food competitions in which that millions of dollars are used in food and prizes, how ridiculous!! How absurd, it's appalling. All that money and food can be given to those in other countries in NEED of food. we waste it like it was nothing.
I am blabbering, no one will do anything. People choose to be IGNORANT. Ignorance is a bliss, but to the one that chooses to be ignorant, not to the one that is in NEED of help. I'm outs

Evangelism

2008-05-17T20:44:00.002-04:00

When I was in my early teens I used to stay up late, read blogs, get into my bible, write stuff down. I think it used to be the best time for my best thinking. I might start doing that again. Anyway, this morning I read a blog and it got me thinking more about evangelism and love.
I think of evangelism as someone standing on top of a chair or in the middle of a bus and preaching to people about the gospel. Yeah it works, but not every time. I thought of once standing in the middle of the train and preaching, but I shied away.
I have a friend of mine from high school that did something that really got to me. She went to the lesbian wall, sat down, and hung out with them. She isn't a lesbian, she's a Christian, she loved them. I don't mean any kind of love, but she loved them like Christ loves them. The lesbians at the wall kindly welcomed her, they welcomed her thoughts, they respected her because she did not condemn them like other Christians do. I don't know if any of the girls at the wall accepted Christ, but I think my friend brought them one step closer to accepting Christ.
I hate being labeled, I think that is one of my biggest fears, being kept in a box (figuratively.) Being called a Christian puts me in a box. I'm not saying that the label Christian is bad, I like being called a Christ follower, but then it comes with all the terms that come attached to it: Judgmental, hypocrite, secluded, stuck-up, whatever other label you may have heard. It sickens me when I hear Christians condemning a certain group of people. That makes me entirely upset. In the bible Jesus gives us two commands that sums up the Ten Commandments, "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself." God commands us to love everyone, maybe thats the best evangelism we can give.
If you know my story you know that I drank and went to parties back in high school, I didn't get drunk, but I was present. I have a Christian friend that told me that I shouldn't go to these parties, people would associate me with them. I didn't care, one of my friends that I have known for about 7 years went to these parties, she is not a Christian, and so I needed to make sure that she got home alright, I needed to make sure no one would take advantage of her. I have gotten in trouble for staying out late with my buddies, but it didn't matter to me as long as my friends were okay. I'm not trying to right my wrong, my lifestyle was not healthy and it was not right, so I do not encourage anyone to party and drink.
I think the best way for bringing people to Christ is just being there for them, loving them like God loves us. The world does not comprehend God's love and so will ask and that'll be our time to share.
Anyway read my friend's blog that i read this morning, it's better than what I have written. Be blessed and bless others. I'm outs.

Death through Adam, Life through Chist

2008-05-16T10:56:00.002-04:00

Romans 5:12-21
So I'm not going to put the whole passage, that will be way too long, but I want to zone in one verse that has been bothering me today.
v. 18 "Consequently, just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men."
Through Adam all of us sin and "fall short", but then through Christ all have become holy for those who believe in Him.
I can't help but think of the worst torture that Christ must have gone through. It must have been really terrible because he died for ALL who believe in him. He went through torture, name calling, carrying himself to his own death, a crown of thorns put upon his head, his garments being gambled, his friends just watching, nails in his hands and feet, his shoulders going in and out of place every time he breathed, and I can keep going on. The worst possible torture I can think of. But what really bothers me is that he did it willingly! He went through the worst, so that his children may one day go to heaven and be with Him. What grace!
And if you go into the next chapter, Romans 6 it says "...that we should no longer be slaves to sin- because anyone who has died has been freed from sin." I can't help but hate myself. I have been freed from my chains of sin yet I keep wanting to go back. Like the Hebrews being in the desert, they wanted to go back to Egypt over and over again, though they went through the worst labor there. God provided, He did not fail them, yet they wanted to go back. I am just like them. I see myself slowly going back to sin.
Right now I'm reading over Psalms and I see David cry out to God over and over, "Save me, O God..." and "Hasten O God to save me:..." through his trials he asks God to help Him and he sings praise to God.
Oh how I wished I was like David, a woman after God's own heart.
I can't help but keep wondering why God is so good to us.
Psalm 69:6 "May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O LORD, the LORD Almighty; may those who seek you not be put to shame because of me, O LORD of Israel."
God knows my sin, He knows those thoughts that pass through my head. People may see me and think, now there goes a girl who is on the right path, but God sees my heart and knows that I fall so many times. I hate that i fall, I hate that my flesh still desires, I hate that i fall short. But I love that I have a Father that loves me SO much, I have a King who willingly died for my life, He is the friend that will never fail me.
GOD IS SO GOOD!! I want to shout it out, I want to run in the streets, I want to tell all my friends, but I can't. Why can't I? I don't know, my body is lazy, my voice fails, I am peer pressured to conform. God should not take me into consideration, He should look away from me. I am a disgusting creature, I am one who hears, but does not tell. I am the one that that has the cure but does not tell those who need it.
God look away from me, I am not worthy, you are so Holy and so righteous, I am not worthy. LORD over all, take pity for I am needy. You use me and I take credit, I am prideful, I deserve none of your grace, yet you give me all of Your love. My heart beats and my mind can not grasp or even express how much I am Thankful, You have been so good to me. Take all the glory, only you deserve it.
Sorry, this is getting way complicated. I'm outs.

God is bigger

2008-05-15T11:42:00.004-04:00

"Don't become caught up in telling God all of your problems, let your problems know who your God is."

It's true, I've been completely bored, and I can't help but blog almost everyday.
Well I found the quote above at a friend's facebook and I really liked it. Sometimes I can't help but think about what I talk to God about. Usually I follow the format that Jesus gave to his disciples, but of course I don't follow it completely. Anyway, usually I tell God that I'm sorry about this sin or that sin. I tell God about the goods and bads. But I never think about telling my sins or the goods and bads who God is.
Say I have a problem with lying, I could ask God to forgive me for lying, but what would that do, I confessed, but did I tell my lies that God is a righteous God and does not accept lying because He is so holy? Sounds kind of dumb, but who should be our biggest accountability? Ourselves. At least, for all i know, I am the harshest on myself. But how about you?
Anyway, I encourage you to tell your problems who your God is. God is bigger than our everyday problems, He is bigger than our decisions. I'm not saying that what you are going through is nothing, God uses those things that you do and those things that come, to form you, mold you, I encourage you to take it. If you are not growing then you are dying.
Don't put God in a box, put your problems in a box. I'm outs

Hymns

2008-05-14T12:55:00.002-04:00

So I'm not the biggest fan of traditional music. Give me some rock, a great drummer and a great guitarist and I'll be happy. Well when I had started college, I had the chance to find a friend, Ivan, from back home, Miami. Well he invited me to go to chapel with him and I was like sure, but he went to Thursday chapel, traditional church style. After that chapel, I was somewhat upset, I didn't like the music. Ivan and I talked about it after chapel. He told me that it is more on God's glorification rather than our love for God. Traditional music seeks to glorify God and not just write a song where one can put their girlfriend's name in the song instead of God's. I contemplated upon this, but i kind of let it go. I like my rock, fast-paced music.
Well my second semester the band was with new faces and new music. The "worship leader," if one can call it that, kept playing contemporary hymns. Usually slow and more guitar. I was kind of upset at this new change. But whatever, I usually can move on. But as time progressed, my anger grew. Late in the semester, I was finally asked to write an argument paper for my Composition class. I wrote on church entertainment. Well during the process of writing the paper, I went to the school pastor to ask him a few questions. As I listened to his thoughts on church entertainment, he discussed the topic of music and how its been for entertainment than really the glorification of God. I contemplated on his thought and moved on to listen to what more he had to say about the topic of church entertainment. Well after I had the interview, I kept thinking about what he said.
Ivan was/is correct. I still can't really get into the really traditional music with the old hymns and stuff, but I am totally more into the contemporary hymns today. It's not about me feeling good after singing, but worshiping God, usually the feeling good does come, but we should still glorify God even when we don't want to. I'm not saying there aren't contemporary music that glorifies God, but its rare.
What do you think? I'm outs

It was over

2008-05-13T22:08:00.002-04:00

It is empty and
I can not fill it.

Where is it?
I am thirsty,
fill this cup please.

Two cups,
one will kill me and
the other will satisfy me.

How do I choose?
They both look delicious.

Disasters

2008-05-13T21:42:00.001-04:00

Does God cause people to die, caused by tsunamis, cyclones, hurricanes, aids, diseases, and the list goes on? Is God being judgmental? Does He want to wipe out those who do not believe in Him?

I think it is quite a touchy subject, but let me question this, who are we to know God’s mind? I’m not saying God caused or does not stop disasters from happening, but people do die.

Does not the world groan anyway too? When man sinned didn’t the whole world have to suffer? Maybe the earth is just groaning and trying to release itself from the sin.

So all I have to say is, before you question God and his mightiness, do you attempt to help those in need?
James 1:27 “Religion that God our father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted from the world.”

So are you helping those in need?

I’m too busy. I don’t have enough money. I’m just one person, how much could I do? They’ll die eventually.
These are just some excuses that are the common ones, there are probably some more, but I don’t know them.

I think one can trust me with this, if you want to help people there are a bunch of organizations that you can volunteer, or if you don’t have time, you can donate. And there is an old Chinese saying that a thousand mile journey starts with the first step. So every one person does count. And they will die one day, but it doesn’t mean they should die in disaster when all seems lost, you can be a light in a dark world.

So to go back to the first question, why does God let things happen? Well God has plans that are bigger than you and me, they are bigger than disasters, and they are bigger than this world.
“People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.”

So don't question God, He has bigger plans than our mind can handle. I'm outs

Prominent and Preeminent

2008-05-12T11:19:00.002-04:00

A few weeks ago, maybe even 2 months ago, I sat down t at chapel in school and waited for another boring sermon. I remember seeing Jesse on the other side of chapel and seeing a cute baseball guy sitting behind him. I remember texting Jesse and asking about him. But of course Jesse being the big brother said he’s not good for you. I asked him about other baseball guys and he said their either dumb or not a Christian, so I let it pass. Well once music ended and the sermon started Pastor Bernie gave us the passage to go to, which I don’t recall at the moment, and started speaking. He started talking about how sometimes people tell us that God should be number one, kind of like a list. I didn’t think that was bad, I was like yeah God is number one and then having one of those number one fingers. But then he said that is wrong, I was like whoa, whoa, whoa, what did he just say? Did he just say God being number one is wrong? Well he continued on and said God shouldn’t just be number one like a list, but number one in our friends and our family, relationships, school, work, and the list goes on. I’ve heard of having a Christ-centered relationship but I guess I never knew what that meant until that day. Pastor Bernie went on to say that God shouldn’t be prominent, God should be preeminent. I used to just tell God about my day and pray for people, but I never made it a point to include God in my day, include God in my relationships. I would just tell God about it. So to go back to the beginning of this story, I didn't include God in my way of "mating" I kept God in the box. I didn't want to wait for God to bring me someone, I didn't want to include God. But once I heard Bernie speak, I understood that God was talking to me. I understood God was knocking in my head telling me, have patience, I have it all planned.

So I want to challenge you. Is God just prominent or is He Preeminent?

Are you including God in your everyday activities or are you keeping Him in a box where you open a hole and tell Him what happened?

Ask yourself and just don’t make it a thing where you’re just thinking about it, I encourage you to actually make it a part of your lifestyle.

Anyway, I’m outs.

My theory, my proposition

2008-05-07T12:15:00.003-04:00

As Darwin and Freud had the chance to express their intellectual knowledge to the world I would also like to express my own as well. As I observe people and as I observe history, nothing changes unless some radical chooses to express his thoughts to the world. People are usually very serene with where they are at, which comes to my proposition, people are imitators of society. Yes applaud me, I have come up with the answer to the one question every one has been asking, "what is the meaning to life?"
Some of you might be angry at this thought. "No I am not imitating society, I do what i like." Yes even I have said the same thing, but is not our mind just a reflection of what society has shown us. To give an example I will give the famous Darwin the stage. He has proposed the idea of evolution. Well as we look back into history, back into the society he was brought in, anyone can see that society had its circles. The poor were looked down upon, as the rich were given respect. The strong survive. The environment rejected the poor, who cares about them anyway? God had some divine plan, oh wait there is no God, according to Nietche, God is dead. We were brought up by some intervention, we evolved to live according to our environment, but wouldn't that mean that the rest of the animals should be dead?
To show some light to my theory, people are just reflecting society. In the bible it says to not be part of the world, but live in it. The radicals I talked about saw something wrong with society. Darwin, Freud, Nietche, are not the radicals that i am speaking of, they reflect what was occurring in society, but the radicals are Thomas Aquinas, John Wycliffe, Martin Luther, Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Teresa, and the list goes on. They saw something that wasn't right and did something about it, though opposition came and persecution were thrust upon most of these individuals they persevered.
So for those who believe in Darwinism, Freudian theory, in Nietche, those who believe in anything with -ism in it look at the society and time period they were in, does it reflect society or is it radical? And just to show you I'm not a hypocrite I look at the society of the people in the bible, and just to tell you, they were pretty radical themselves, going against what the scribes, pharisees, and high church positions said was a big no no. People were jailed, chained, stoned, cut in half, were cast off from society. So I looked into the history of Christianity and not Christianity why don't you do the same?
Yes I know that Darwin was looked down upon for his thoughts and I know some people probably looked down upon Freud and Nietche, but it goes to show you, society rejects itself at times. It makes them look at their own lives and make them hate themselves, which quiet frankly angers people. Or people just might be ignorant and goes along with what everyone else says.
Thank you for your time, I hope I have enlightened you with my theory. I'm outs

Youth group

2008-05-02T23:20:00.002-04:00

So I finally went to Youth group at my church at MBC tonight. I think I haven't been there since last summer, how i miss it. Well a lot of new things, NEW FACES, and I hate to say it, but I think I've outgrown it! Like it would be cool if people actually knew what they were singing and listening to, but no, some of the middle schoolers are just in lala land, even high schoolers. I think they get so hyped up at the whole ska dancing, loud music, and craziness that they don't see the real picture. Maybe I might be wrong, i did come at a time where P. Dave was having his going away party from the youth, but it seems like they were missing the big picture on why they were at church, its to praise God. P. Dave is the cooliest, but God is so much cooler. And if P. Dave read my blogs he would totally agree. P. Dave's last words to the youth group was about Jesus, that is one thing I so admire about P. Dave, he doesn't mean to be humble, God is just so great and awesome we can't do anything but be humble and submit to his awesomeness.
Like I was in the shoes of the middle schoolers once. I was so immature! Like I should be patient, I even prayed to God to give me patience while I was there, i just can't seem to try and go back to where i once was young and naive. I still am somewhat naive, but at least i know it. I don't know, I should at least praise God for the fact that they are at church and not trying to be cool and going to parties. God will mold them, He did it to me. I guess all i can do is pray for the youth and for those who go to MBC, i ask for you guys to pray for them too. Anyway, I'm hungry so I'm outs.

Slow down and look around

2008-04-30T20:32:00.003-04:00

When I was in my early teens, even pre-teens, I was always the oddball. In high school I was the Jesus freak. I got kind of tired of it, I wanted to be accepted, I wanted to belong. I don't know how many times I have spoken about this, but I don't think I can overemphasize how depressed I was and how blind I was to God's glory. To God's awesomeness. I thought, did, said the most stupidest things. I thought I was on the top of my game, I thought I was perfect and I thought that I was better than others. But the truth of it all was that I partied, I drank, I rebelled, I lied. The summer before I came to PBA, I was scared, I wanted to stay in Miami, I wanted to stay in my comfort zone, I am so glad God directed my paths to PBA. I'm not saying that PBA is the best. God just used PBA to get to me, to wake me up. I'm not perfect. Like Paul, I've been able to see more of God's holiness, righteousness, goodness, and I can't help but to thank God for His grace. My flesh brought me down, but the Spirit has lifted me up. The more I see God, the more I see my sin, the more I see how ugly i am.
This past week I have had the pleasure of sleeping over my friend's dorms on the South side, I open the door and I see the intercostal. It is so beautiful, see the waves, feel the breeze, watch the sun set. Though finals has been so hectic, I am so glad to be reminded that God is so much bigger than the exams I am taking, bigger than my lack of sleep.
I just want to encourage everyone as summer comes up to have patience. I guess act like a turtle. Take things slow and look around. Watch the clouds, hear the laughter, smell the ocean, hold someone's hand in need, have some good ice cream. Take it all in and thank God for another day. So I leave off with some lyrics.

"You walk on waves
You run with clouds
You paint the sky for me to see

Your Majesty
Your Majesty
Is why i sing"

I'm outs

Psalm 13

2008-04-24T13:26:00.002-04:00

Psalm 13
"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me."

You know how when you read something it doesn't click, but then when someone explains it to you your like "oh man, thats awesome." Well thats what happened to me with this chapter.
King David feels all alone. I don't feel like that at the moment, but as I look back to my past, I wish someone had turned this page to me. When I was 16 I was feeling so depressed, everyone saw it. I stopped going to church and I just felt so alone. I tried filling my soul with friends, parties, drinking, music, nothing was filling me up.
Right now I just feel so much joy in my heart. Nothing really can bring me down. If you guys know me well enough, you know the circumstances that are occurring at home, I really shouldn't feel this good, I shouldn't feel so optimistic. But God is SO GOOD! I see his holiness, his grace, his righteousness. God is everything, without Him I am nothing. Compared to eternity my life is just a gust of wind, a sun shower, a milli-second.
Lately people have been telling me how optimistic I am, if only people knew, if only people saw my heart, if only people understood. God is so good. He is so great.
I'm not saying I'm not struggling, I totally am. I'm not saying I don't understand what other people are going through, I've probably gone through it or going through it. But like David says "I trust in Your unfailing love." It will never pass, cease, stop. It lasts forever!
I've been trying to attempt to explain to people how wonderful I feel and how everyone could feel this way, but I think God has brought me to this place for a reason. I kind of wish I knew why I do feel this way. Well, I guess the point of this blog was to encourage people to look past all the crap that is happening, to look past the present, focus on God, joy will fill your life. Anyway, read this psalm in your spare time and I guess understand what David is attempting to say. He is filled with sorrow, but then he remembers, so just remember.
I'm outs.

Global warming?

2008-04-16T17:38:00.002-04:00

“As long as the earth endures,
seedtime and harvest,
cold and heat,
summer and winter,
day and night
will never cease.”
Genesis 8:22

There goes Global warming out the back door!!!

Church entertainment

2008-04-14T16:51:00.003-04:00

So I had an interview today with my College Pastor, it was for a paper that I am writing for my English class. Well the topic is Church Entertainment. Everything that he told me I pretty much already knew, but he gave me more details and described it better than I could.
Well I've been struggling with this idea for some time and I finally get the chance to uncover my thoughts to the world, well maybe not, but it'll bring me some satisfaction to be able to write this down. So to my point.
"our culture has been entertained to death." So we know what is entertaining and what is not. And churches lately have been trying to compete for the youth's attention. There is no problem with entertainment, I enjoy it, who doesn't enjoy it? But when churches become so enthralled on the way the message should be presented, then it becomes a matter of having everything right instead of paying attention to what is really right, the Bible.
Some people hate on Calvary Chapel in Fort Lauderdale because it is so big and there is probably no way to have a real church community, but though it is big and difficult to have a real community, the whole atmosphere of the church is quite invigorating. Instead of making sure that everything is right, they make sure that whatever they are doing is for God's Glory and you wouldn't give God crap, you would give Him your best.
The message that Pastor Bob Coy gives comes straight from the Bible, he has some creative ways of giving us examples, but its not "let me give you one verse and explain to you what it means to me." NO!! it should not be like that. I don't want to give Pastor Bob all the credit, God is working wonders through him, so I give God all the credit, but Bob has gone verse by verse in explaining what the Bible is trying to show us. he doesn't preach a sermon on lust, or dating, or drugs, he might use them as examples, but he doesn't preach on them. Pastor Bob has been showing God's holiness and how we're not.
In the bible, people are not preached to because of their sin, but because of God's glory and grace the people see their own sin. The apostle Paul even explains that the more he knows about God's goodness and holiness, the more he sees the sin within himself. In Isaiah 6, Isaiah sees God and he can not even explain God's amazinness, but one thing he says is "“Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.”"
Isaiah understood just by looking and understanding God's glory that he is disgusting, he understood his sin.
I see people leaving churches because they don't want to be entertained anymore, they want to be fed. The message has also become too warm and fuzzy, it's not challenging anymore. Some churches might be afraid that if they give people too much to handle they won't come anymore, but when did Jesus try to make it warm and fuzzy?
Another point I want to give out is about Jesus. How many people do you think would go to his church? He only had 12 apostles and one even betrayed him. Not until did they understand what he was explaining did it make sense to them all. He gave many illustrations and stories so the people could understand, but it was not different from the truth.
So 4 things that the church should be is:
1. God glorifying
2. Christ centered
3. Preaching is bible saturated
4. and Life transforming.
Without these for main things, the church is basically dead, it's not moving anywhere. Its a bunch of friends getting together and hanging out. We have to be more like Christ, as idealized as it might be, we need something to look up to. And so I finish off with something that Pope John Paul II said,
“It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provokes you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your hearts your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle. It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be grounded down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.”
I'm outs

short poem

2008-04-13T07:31:00.002-04:00

So I got kind of bored at breakfast yesterday at school, so I wrote a very short poem, I hope you guys enjoy.

The crowds surround me,
the voices overpower,
but through the mist of it all
I hear Your Voice.

Sin

2008-04-05T15:16:00.003-04:00

"'Everything is permissible'- but not everything is beneficial." When Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins, he not only took the burden of dying for each and every one of our sins, for those who believe, but took away the power of sin.
I think its so funny sometimes when kids say what sin is, they say "its when I do something bad." I laugh because I used to say that, but that is not what it means. Sin does have something to do with doing something bad, but not quite. Sin means "to miss the mark." And what mark would that be? God's.
I sometimes feel discouraged because I don't like not meeting expectations and thats what happened. But through Jesus' death sin has no more power over us. I'm not saying that we should keep sinning because sin has no more power to put us in the grave, but do what is for God's glory, that might mean that you shouldn't drink, but it doesn't mean you can't, it just has to do with what the Holy Spirit is moving in you.

Schindler's List

2008-03-30T18:59:00.002-04:00

A very long movie, I've got to say. People have cried and this movie has changed people. With me, I'm an observer of history, I wanted to cry, but I didn't, it has made me think, but it has not changed me. If you have not watched this movie, you should. It brings you a whole different view of the Holocaust, but not of WWII. I have yet to see a movie where someone portrays the life of a Jew that lived through the Holocaust and died in the middle of it. I'm not one to like to see people die, but I have yet to see one. There's the Pianist where you see the life of a Jew that is in hiding; then there's Anne Frank, but she was in hiding, not actually being put to work; and you have Schindler's list, the life of a factory worker and business owner. These are all very noble movies, but it is shielding us from death, an unjustifiable death of the Holocaust.
Another point I wanted to make, a more sympathetic view, by the end of the movie Schindler has to go on the run, the war is over and he is now a criminal, I won't say why for those who have not watched the movie, but what he says is heart wrenching. He says I have wasted so much money. He points to the car and said he could have sold it and save 10 more Jews, he takes off his pin and says he could have saved one more Jew if he sold it. He starts bawling because he could have saved more lives, but didn't. If you incorporate this with the Christian life, how are we helping to save one more for Christ. He already helped save many, but he was thinking about that one more person. ONE MORE PERSON!!!
What is stopping us? What is hindering us from help saving one more person?

Thoughts

2008-03-23T22:00:00.002-04:00

Up and down
Right to left,
the world has no bounds,
there is no finite.
Creation, Greeks, Romans,
Painting, music, and war
the beginnings of no boundaries.
Death, loss, and destruction
It is not the end,
but a new beginning.

Tis a sin to keep
your thoughts to yourself,
you keep the world in the dark,
you have sinned against the world.

By Stephanie Sousa

Pencil vs. Pen

2008-03-20T21:08:00.002-04:00

Random topic, I know, but wait one second before you decide to not read this.
I love to use pencils, I can erase what i wrote and fix mistakes without a scribble on the paper. Pens are so permanent and if you make a mistake the whole world can see it.
But as I go into depth about this I wonder about all the mistakes I have done in life, sometimes I wish I could erase it and no one will see the mistake. It was never there. But we all know that this can't happen.
God can forgive sins, but it doesn't mean that we didn't commit those sins. All we can do is move on. We scribble that section away, but as Christians we try not to make the same mistake twice. I know that I hate scribbles on my paper. But I know that I make mistakes, it just kind of happens...
I guess what I'm trying to get at is that we all make mistakes, the world will see it, but we have a choice, we can leave the mistake there and move on letting people see us as fools or scribble it, fix it, and move on being seen as wise. I'm not saying that those who leave the mistake are fools, they might not see it, I guess thats why there is always editors.
This might be quite confusing, but think about writers. They write a book, but it doesn't mean it goes to publishing right away, it first goes to the editors to check for errors. No one is perfect, except for the only one who never had to be edited, Jesus Christ. I hope you guys are having a happy Holy week. God Bless you all. I'm out.

Divorce

2008-03-12T20:29:00.002-04:00

I thought I was over divorce. I thought I was used to it, but I'm not. My Father and step-mother are divorcing and I didn't know how much it hurts. I can still go on with my life like nothing is happening, but I think it'll hit hard when the papers are signed and it becomes official. Their fighting is unbearable and I can't stay in the same room when their both together. I feel all the tension. And then I can't help to think about my brother, he's only a year old. My dad is moving to Brazil, my step mom is staying in Florida and my brother will be stuck in the middle. I wish I could explain this dread I have upon my heart, but it wouldn't help the situation.

Books and papers,
work and school
feelings and reason;
This does not mean anything.
Me and you,
here and right now,
tomorrow and forever;
does this not mean anything?
Postcards and letters,
closeness and space,
love and sex;
That happened, did it not?
Arguments and discussion
Compare and Contrast,
strengths and weaknesses;
We are still one.

by Steph Sousa

God sees worth in me and you!

2008-03-11T21:31:00.002-04:00

I sometimes wished I were more focused. Then I would remember that by God's grace, He loves me. Today in chapel was one of those times where I just bowed by head like the tax collector that Jesus uses in a parable where he was outside the temple and asking God to forgive a tax collector like him. I lie, I'm selfish, I'm prideful, I do things that God only knows, but through all that God sees worth in me. Whenever I remember and focus on the fact that God is so great, I feel humble and just drop my head because He deserves all the glory not me.
About two weeks ago I went to TNL and the lyrics to the music just spoke to me. I just sat down, put my head down, and raised my hands to praise him and I cried my eyes out. God is so good and so great and I just forget. I think we all forget sometimes. I think thats why the early church prospered, they were always together encouraging, reminding each other of God's grace and love. I think we should go back to that. But I don't mean keep other people out because the early church also prospered because they went to the Gentiles and the Jewish nonbelievers. I think we should keep a tight unit but remind ourselves that God has room in his arms for everyone and we shouldn't stop telling the world. Like Calvary Chapel in Ft. Lauderdale slogan goes, "Until the Whole World Hears."
We are saved by God's grace and we should boast in Him alone.
Stay focused on the prize.

Answer: Why Does God love us?

2008-03-03T17:18:00.001-05:00

I wrote a blog, "Why does God love us?" Well I think I finally figured out the answer. I was just working and I asked the question to myself why do I love people? No one does anything for me, like some people do, but I love my sister and she doesn't do crap for me, so why do i love her? I guess I just do. She's my sister. If I have a kid, no matter what they do, I'll still love them. So my best answer on why God love us? is the fact that He just does. We are his creation, his children.
With the idea of Him giving up His own life for a way to come back to him, I think is beautiful. It's a Father giving up His life so that His children can have a better life. It's our choice to not have his death in vain by giving up ourselves to His will or we forget His death and live our own lives, for the worse.
So what I do is put away all pride because I am worthless (not in a bad sense) but God has seen worth in me.

I recommend everyone, even nonchristians, to read "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis, he puts Christianity in words that makes a lot more sense rather than complication.

RA to Night of Prayer

2008-02-21T19:25:00.003-05:00

Well I am not an RA, kind of a bummer, but I kind of figured that I wouldn't get it because I haven't lived on campus and that's fine, I'll just try next year. But I am now helping with Welcome week, I am so excited. This will be a great experience.
Anyway, the other day at work, the assistant manager at my job asked me what my major was and I told him History. He asked what I was going to do with it, and I told him nothing, he laughed and I just kept serious and he asked "then why are you in college?" I told him I loved history, but I plan to be a missionary. I'll be going to seminary school after I get my bachelor's degree and then from there go where God wants me to go.
My boss does not believe in Christ and he tells me this story about this dude on his campus who just keeps telling him that he's going to hell and so on and so forth. My boss said that that dude is the reason why he doesn't want to become a Christian, he doesn't want to condemn people. I asked him, how about me? And he's like your not the reason, which goes to show that I try to convert with love and patience while the other dude isn't even trying to show the love of Jesus, he is just condemning. John 3:17 says, "For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him."
Anyway, I hope you guys have a wonderful weekend, if you guys need any prayer comment or call me, Night of Prayer is tomorrow night at my school and I plan to be there most of the night, s share so i could pray for you. Anyway I'm out.

RA interview

2008-02-17T15:54:00.002-05:00

So I applied to be an RA, and I had the interview this past weekend. I wasn't all that nervous until the morning of the single interview. The group interview was quite relaxing, but kind of annoying. I liked working in a group, but at the end when we had to answer questions, everyone else just spit out what they wanted to say. I used to do that and I didn't see how annoying that could be. I actually like taking the time and thinking about the question and give an in depth thought now. The last activity I did with my group, I didn't get to get a word in until the end. Everyone spoke what they needed to say, but I got to go in deeper at the end, which was quite good.
The single interview was totally nerve wrecking. The night before the interview I went out, bad idea, and hung out with friends, we went to the beach, coffee house and hung out in Julie's room. So I basically went to sleep at 2am to wake up at 9am, but Julie woke up early for workship at 7am and I woke up. I ate breakfast and then headed to my interview. My heart was beating so fast. I am so glad that my first interview was with Susie and Andrew, they made me feel more relaxed and were very patient with me. The second interview I got through, since my first interview went so great I was just relaxed and my nerves were gone. I think it was a pretty good interiew.
Right now I want the results, am I going to be an RA or not? If I get it, then that would be great, but if I don't then thats okay too. It is all in God's plan. I got the chance to practice at controlling my feelings for being rejected. This past year I've been rejected from schools, trips, even people, and I have just gotten over it. I am not going to be accepted by everyone, and I have now understood that God has a plan. Proverbs 21:30 says, "There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the LORD." Amen for that.

I am in awe

2008-02-11T16:23:00.000-05:00

There are times like today where I am just in awe of God. In my last blog I wrote about how could God love us. He is just so awesome, He chose us out of anything else in this world, what an amazing God. I still don't comprehend why God loves us so much, but I am so grateful.

Why Does God love us?

2008-02-11T10:37:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been questioning why on earth would there be a God who loves me and dies for me. There must be some ulterior motives. I must have to do something. Why would God want to love humans, why not dogs, angels, ants?? I just don't get it, why does God love me? I haven't done anything to deserve it, I haven't done anything good to be loved by God. So why does God love me?? Why? Why do I get to have someone die for me when I haven't done anything for him? Why did he choose me, why did he choose us?
I don't question this, but others might... does God exist? Is Christianity really true?
I know God exists because I see nature and I can't believe that evolution created it. I know there has to be something greater than anything of this world to create this whole universe.
Is Christianity really true? Well for Christianity to be true someone had to die. History proves that Jesus was a real person, and like C.S. Lewis says, "Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse." You can't say that he was a great moral teacher because if he was that means what he said is true and that He is the Son of God.
But what I don't understand about Christianity and Judiasm is why would God tolerate us for so long? Why did He give us a chance? Why does He love us? He doesn't need us whatsoever. Why?
I am glad that by Grace I am saved because nothing I do will save me, but, again, why me? why us?

Jesus

2008-02-09T21:00:00.000-05:00

In the book Mere Christianity, Lewis famously criticized the idea that Jesus was merely a human being, albeit a great moral teacher:

"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept his claim to be God. That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronising nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to."

I felt the need to put this out there because I thought that this brought a fine line of believing or not believing.

Love the LORD

2008-02-05T20:14:00.000-05:00

Chapel today was interesting. Like Music kind of was on the bad side, but no biggie. The thing that really got me was one thing the speaker for today talked about, he was praying and he said, "let us not see You as something interesting, but as someone we love." I never heard someone say that. I think that's my downfall. I get so caught up with history or the miraculous things Jesus and the disciples did, that I forget what Jesus did for me out of love and how I shouldn't just gawk at the stuff they have done, but actually love God with everything that I have.
It's not an old concept, but it’s something I guess I didn't realize until today. Love the Lord with all your life, and that doesn't mean to just be in awe of everything He has done, but actually love him and make our lives a living sacrifice.
So love the LORD with everything you have.

Social worker? How about missionary...

2008-01-30T20:31:00.000-05:00

Okay, so this was the first one that took my interest, but I chose another one first because the colors were just so pretty, I clicked it and it told me I should be an artist. It said I love breaking the rules, and I hate anything that keeps me within the box. But this one totally fits me better. Anyway, try out the quiz.

You Should Be a Social Worker

You are deeply caring and empathetic.
You are able to take on other people's problems as if they were your own.
Sensitive and intuitive, you understand human emotions well.
Helping others gives you the most joy in life. You feel like it's your purpose in life.

You do best when you:

- Have a lot of responsibility
- Greatly impact someone's life with your work

You would also be a good philanthropist or stay at home parent.

What Should You Be When You Grow Up?

Leave the country

2008-01-28T21:41:00.000-05:00

Can't you hear the people
Screaming, crying,
to leave the land
that we see no more vision.
You are our leader
selected to represent the majority
but you still do not listen
to reason.
Leave, nothing is working
and more are dying to
a plan they do not understand
and do not want to
implement. Leave!

The Five love languages

2008-01-26T22:03:00.000-05:00

I took this quiz because I wanted to know what my love language is and I totally have the same results as Lauren, we brazilians are all alike, haha.

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch:		12
Quality Time:		9
Acts of Service:		4
Words of Affirmation:		4
Receiving Gifts:		1

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

Struggle

2008-01-26T21:11:00.001-05:00

I know I'm not alone on the subject when I say I struggle because I know everyone has their own struggles. I don't know what else to say. I'm struggling right now.
"The heart has reason that reason does not know." My heart knows things, I guess because the Holy Spirit lives within me, within my heart, but I don't understand why my heart is joyful when all i see is the world. I see myself being laughed at, I see couples making googly eyes (being unequally yoked), I see people doing drugs or drinking, and at times I just want to give up and join (of course not the part of being laughed at, but laughing at others.) I don't do it because I know where that will end up, wanting more and never feeling satisfied, but I still want to feel like I'm a part of something. Then I always remember that I am hated because Jesus was hated on first. I will forever be laughed at because of my faith in Jesus, if I give in I'll be a hypocrite because I believe in one thing, but do another. I'm not perfect, not even close, I don't even think I'm perfect. I fail. Without Christ nothing holds together, without God I fail.
I believe in Jesus because I know I fail and I need someone that will lift me up from the valleys. I think being labeled a Christian shouldn't give the idea to non believers that I am or think that I am perfect. Christianity itself tells you to pick up your cross, or in other words die, daily. I don't mean physically, but I mean in a sense to give up who you are, stop any control of your life and give it to Christ because, again, we fail without him, we are nothing without him. We are labeled nothing without him.
Yet I can't pick up my cross and follow him daily. I'm in a struggle within myself to choose from flesh v. rightiousness. It's not that I don't know right from wrong, its just that the wrong seems delicious at times, but it is only decieving me.
I struggle, I'm not perfect, I'm in need of a hand, so I call on Christ.

Pro-choice

2008-01-20T13:48:00.000-05:00

Okay, so i looked more into the pro-choice and I was wrong, it onyl has to do with abortion issues and women rights. Well I read more about pro-choice and I fell upon a site that really helped me understand about abortion. Here's the site http://www.prochoice.com/, you could also go to wikipedia or other sites, but these helped me understand more about abortion.
Some people are thinking why am I so obsessed about this now? Well I used to be the Children's music director at my church. I loved dancing with the kids and it helped bring kids out of there shell, being shy. It hurt me to leave my church because of school, but I had to move on. I love kids! Sit down with one kid for about an hour and you'll be a kid again. They are so innocent and they show their emotions, unlike adults and teenagers do today.
Everyone is unique and I can't help think about every child that has been aborted. There are other ways, you just need to be informed!

Sinful lifestyle and faith

2008-01-19T20:24:00.000-05:00

God has just shown me how great His wisdom is and how foolish I am.
I wrote about gay rights and about abortion in my last blog, but I forgot to include in my understanding, God's Word. It says somewhere in the Bible, I don't remember where at the moment, that we should not accept the sinful lifestyle of others. What an idiot I can be. So here is my stake in the ground, Marriage is between a man and a woman, no man with a man and no woman with a woman. So there. And with abortion, that's killing a human being, they will one day breath life, so how can anyone say that it is not a living creature. I still believe in pro choice because there is a lot more things attached to that like religion, but I don't believe that abortion is a part of that pro choice because it is murder. I do not condemn you, those who have abortion, if you need help or if your afraid that your boyfriend or father may kill you because of the baby, don't be afraid to ask for help, you always have a choice, but abortion shouldn't be a choice.
Another thing that I wanted to address was my faith. I've been reading lately the book of Acts, trying to get the feel of the early church and what was happening, being a history major and all. Well I kept on reading how apostles like Peter, Paul, Barnabas, and so on just kept preaching in synagogues and in the streets. In my head I'm like "yeah I want to do that, I want to bring people to Christ." Well I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to get up and preach on the train going home. I couldn't get myself up to do it. I was scared about what might happen, they'd probably laugh at me or throw insults at me. I felt so ashamed that i couldn't do it. I felt that God was telling me "Oh you of little faith, why are you so afraid(Matthew 8:26)?" I felt like I was being rebuked. The thing is I do have little faith. I don't leave my life in God's hands, I'm scared.
How will I ever be a missionary? God, I don't know what to do. I've lived this imaginary life for about four years and now reality has hit me. I am so foolish, I want to be called Sophia, but I am not worthy of the name. I want to be wise, not only knowing, but doing. I do not want to be of little faith. God I'm sorry I failed.
I'm sorry.

Things I've been thinking about

2008-01-18T13:38:00.000-05:00

So I was supposed to go on my first missions trip to Brazil during spring break, but I'm afraid its not going to happen. The missionary that was to host us and take care of us has to take care of his sick mother. Very sad, but true.
So since the Recife, Brazil missions trip is cancelled there are other opportunities to help people. There is one where we'll be on a missionary boat in the Caribbean or going to a mission trip in Peru, Guatemala, New Mexico, Arizona, and other such places. Please pray for me and my teammates.
Pro. 21:30 "There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the LORD."
Anyway, in other news I've started thinking over me living on campus next semester. If I join the honors program, which i might do, I would have to live on campus, there is no way I'll be able to catch up on my reading while living at home with my dad. Last week i was praying about it, and out of the blue my dad, who didn't know I was thinking about moving on campus next semester, asked me how much it is to live on campus. I was quite shocked and I told him, he said that it wouldn't be a bad idea of me living on campus next semester. So I'm still praying over it, but I'm pretty sure God has answered my prayer because I've stopped worrying about it.
Another thing that has been on my mind is the world. I don't mean the entire world, but I mean worldly v. godly kind of thing. I am all against abortion and I do think that living in a homosexual lifestyle is sin. But I am too about pro choice and gay rights. Well you might think I'm trying to be politically correct, but I think this brings some controversy to Christin believers. How can I be against abortion, but pro life? How can I say homosexuality is sinful, but let the gays have their rights? Well I've been thinking about this for the past 2 weeks, maybe longer, but on and off, and I think I finally came to an understanding.
I've come to agree that the world will never change and that it will always choose the flesh over the spiritual. But this doesn't mean I can't change people. I can not change the world, but if I change one person, I've changed their world. Abortion is something of the world, I will fight against abortion till I die or if Jesus comes back down to take his people to heaven with him. But I am not against prochoice. God has given us free will, we can either choose our own fleshly desires or godly desires. If we had no choice then we can all believe Calvin and that it is by God’s choice that we go to hell and heaven and that John 3:16 is all wrong.
So it also says in the Bible that living a homosexual lifestyle is sin, its abominable. Well does that mean that they do not have rights? Murder is sin, so I guess the government is doing something right about taking away their rights, but lying is also sin, there’s no rights taken away from us, me included. Sin is sin. I don’t agree with the homosexual lifestyle, but that is something that is part of the world, I can’t change the world.
So what do I do? Well pray to God that He will bring people in your life that you will or already love and make a difference in their life by showing them Jesus Christ. And you know what? Jesus takes care of the rest.
John 3:17 “For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” Who are we to condemn? Be an instrument for God and help save people from being condemned at death.
I'm out.

My road then God's road

2008-01-11T18:52:00.000-05:00

I read some one's "about me" today. I really liked it.
"I am who I am because I choose to be that man...And now I beg that God undo that man in hopes of his re-creating me into a peg that would humbly serve his purpose!"
We all grow up to be people that we think we should be or want to be, it's our own free will. But then something happens when we put our lives into someone else's hands, we are no longer in control of our own life, but someone else is. We let that someone or God to redo or work with what we have and shape it to what they or God want it to be.
With God, the second we give our lives to Christ it is no longer ours, it is a "living sacrifice." To serve Him and to worship Him is what He wants and His will is "good, pleasing, and perfect."
I know God will use all my experiences and gifts to his use. Though i chose another road first than Christ's road, God uses everything for His glory.
Anyway, give your life to God and humbly serve Him, He is the only "way, truth, and life." I'm out