I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Sometimes I forget that Christians have ups and downs and when those downs come how I wish they didn't, I feel alone and I tend to push myself away emotionally from people, but I also pull myself towards people just so someone can smack me out of this funk.
I guess sin is what brings me into this funk, but its not a stealing candy or killing an ant kind of thing, but the sin that you want to keep to yourself and you can't even tell your best friend. Yeah you know what I mean. It's that kind of sin that your afraid of. How will my friend react once I tell her? How will they see me after I tell them? Will they judge me? Ahhh how my insides scream for understanding. I went to church tonight and this song really hit home.
Chorus:
Lead me to the cross where your love poured out.
Bring me to my knees Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself I belong to you.
Lord lead me
Lead me to the cross.
Beautiful song.
I'm ask God earnestly for forgiveness, but I know that God forgives me, I think the biggest obstacle is forgiving myself. I try to bring myself to perfection, but when I sin I remember... I'm human. How I wish I could be just wholly God's, get rid of this flesh that holds me back.
I'm outs
6/18/2008
6/17/2008
Lately...
Lately I've had a problem with prayer. I do believe in prayer and I always ask people to pray for me, I do believe in God and I believe He could do all things, but I keep putting God in a box. I pray for things, but I half think that it won't be answered. God has provided so much to me already, but I sometimes become like the Israelites in the desert. God provides them food and direction yet they still turn away. I don't want to be like them. I want to have hope. I don't understand why I can't just believe, God has done so much for me already. I don't know, I have to get out of this funk that I am currently in. I just hope that I'm taking the road God wants me to take, I need God to help me come back to that place where I first believed. That is always the hardest for me to do. To go back. I've grown so much, yet God tells us to have a child like faith, and that means going back to where I first believed because that is when it was its strongest.
Sometimes I feel like breaking my legs so when it comes to relearning it I could learn it better (figuratively of course.) Anyway, I'm blabbering, I have no idea how this is teaching any of you guys in growing in your faith, but I know that my little faith will always be used for God's glory.
Oh one more thing, my birthday was June 13th, thank you for any of you guys that called me or texted me, it was way nice, but I think the one thing that really made my day was a message I received from a friend that morning. A friend of mine in high school was a total atheist, I talked to him about God for all 4 years in high school, I never stopped. Well he told me thank you for always talking to him about God because it helped him come to God, now he is a Christian. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that all the name calling I received and the rough shoulder I received in high school was all for God's glory. To help bring one person to Christ makes up for all the harshness I received. I know there was a party in heaven for one person that came to Christ and for the obedience that the Christian has for talking to that nonbeliever. God enjoys are obedience rather than our sacrifices.
1 Samuel 15: 22-23
"But Samuel replied:
'Does the LORD delight in burnt
offerings and sacrifices
as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
and to heed is better that the fat of rams.
For rebellion is like the sin of divination,
and arrogance like the evil of idolatry.
Because you have rejected the word of the LORD
he has rejected you as king.'"
Well like I said too much blabbering, I don't know how this all makes sense, maybe only Hispanics will be able to understand my train of thought. Anyway, I'm outs.
Sometimes I feel like breaking my legs so when it comes to relearning it I could learn it better (figuratively of course.) Anyway, I'm blabbering, I have no idea how this is teaching any of you guys in growing in your faith, but I know that my little faith will always be used for God's glory.
Oh one more thing, my birthday was June 13th, thank you for any of you guys that called me or texted me, it was way nice, but I think the one thing that really made my day was a message I received from a friend that morning. A friend of mine in high school was a total atheist, I talked to him about God for all 4 years in high school, I never stopped. Well he told me thank you for always talking to him about God because it helped him come to God, now he is a Christian. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that all the name calling I received and the rough shoulder I received in high school was all for God's glory. To help bring one person to Christ makes up for all the harshness I received. I know there was a party in heaven for one person that came to Christ and for the obedience that the Christian has for talking to that nonbeliever. God enjoys are obedience rather than our sacrifices.
1 Samuel 15: 22-23
"But Samuel replied:
'Does the LORD delight in burnt
offerings and sacrifices
as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
and to heed is better that the fat of rams.
For rebellion is like the sin of divination,
and arrogance like the evil of idolatry.
Because you have rejected the word of the LORD
he has rejected you as king.'"
Well like I said too much blabbering, I don't know how this all makes sense, maybe only Hispanics will be able to understand my train of thought. Anyway, I'm outs.
6/12/2008
Conversation
Thank you for those who were praying. My sister eventually came back home she left because of some issues she didn't want to handle, thank you for your prayers.
Anyway, this past week I was in Tennessee, amazing times, so many stories, but I'm sure my boyfriend will say it better than I can, he's more of the story teller than I am. Well while I was there I got to take hold of a book. I'm pretty sure a lot of you have either read it or heard about it, it's the Jesus Freaks; dc Talk and the Voice of the Martyrs. I just started reading it and can't put it down. So many different stories and it was all for God's glory. How awesome! I'm guessing that most of the time I'll write about the stories, their just so amazing and heart moving.
Well I wanted to talk about prayer. I've noticed how some people shy away from praying in front of a group, I understand that some people are shy, but when it comes to praising God I don't think people would really shy away from an opportunity of talking to the Holy LORD. I'm thinking that some people just don't know how to pray. Jesus gives an example of prayer in Matthew 6:9-13.
"'Our father in Heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one
for yours is the kingdom
and the power and the glory forever. Amen.'"
Jesus never meant for this prayer to be prayed every time your going to pray, it's just an example. You would first want to recognize him as the LORD of all, then ask him to let you be open to his will, then ask for forgiveness from our sin, then ask him to help us in our time of need, and then you would praise him. This is how I see it, some people see it differently and that is perfectly fine. But God has not asked us to be machines of prayer, reciting the prayers we once learned in our younger years. It's supposed to be a relationship, talk to God like you would talk to your father when you need someone to help you, talk to Him as your friend when you need someone to talk to, and talk to Him as a King with all the praise he so righteously deserves. But never forget that God wants to talk to you too, so don't forget to read His word, if you have time to read my blog then you surely have time to read his Living Word. John 1:1 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." So if you read His Word, God is actually talking to you. Well I'm outs.
Anyway, this past week I was in Tennessee, amazing times, so many stories, but I'm sure my boyfriend will say it better than I can, he's more of the story teller than I am. Well while I was there I got to take hold of a book. I'm pretty sure a lot of you have either read it or heard about it, it's the Jesus Freaks; dc Talk and the Voice of the Martyrs. I just started reading it and can't put it down. So many different stories and it was all for God's glory. How awesome! I'm guessing that most of the time I'll write about the stories, their just so amazing and heart moving.
Well I wanted to talk about prayer. I've noticed how some people shy away from praying in front of a group, I understand that some people are shy, but when it comes to praising God I don't think people would really shy away from an opportunity of talking to the Holy LORD. I'm thinking that some people just don't know how to pray. Jesus gives an example of prayer in Matthew 6:9-13.
"'Our father in Heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one
for yours is the kingdom
and the power and the glory forever. Amen.'"
Jesus never meant for this prayer to be prayed every time your going to pray, it's just an example. You would first want to recognize him as the LORD of all, then ask him to let you be open to his will, then ask for forgiveness from our sin, then ask him to help us in our time of need, and then you would praise him. This is how I see it, some people see it differently and that is perfectly fine. But God has not asked us to be machines of prayer, reciting the prayers we once learned in our younger years. It's supposed to be a relationship, talk to God like you would talk to your father when you need someone to help you, talk to Him as your friend when you need someone to talk to, and talk to Him as a King with all the praise he so righteously deserves. But never forget that God wants to talk to you too, so don't forget to read His word, if you have time to read my blog then you surely have time to read his Living Word. John 1:1 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." So if you read His Word, God is actually talking to you. Well I'm outs.
6/02/2008
Feelings
I've always had a problem with feelings. Sometimes I think it keeps me from really seeing people or choices realistically. People have said that love can keep you in a bad relationship or can keep one from seeing all the bad things in a person's life. Because of this I always put myself down whenever I feel angry, or sad, or even feel love. I keep myself from crying, I attempt to keep myself from showing anger, and I always put myself down whenever I start to love because maybe it'll keep me from seeing the person for who they really are. But lately, meaning the last 2 days, I think my perspective has been changing on the subject of feelings. I think, like any other thing, feelings just need to be in check, it just can't go way too far, it needs to be controlled. Like with food. What would happen if I only ate chocolate all the time? My body would not have the nutrition it needs, I would need to have some food that would give me the proper nutrition. Chocolate isn't bad, you just need to make sure your having other foods as well.
Many of you don't know but my sister ran away. The first night my mom woke me up and said Sammy ran away. I just stayed laying in my bed and for some reason I was like "oh don't worry she'll come back." But then I pushed myself out of bed, changed, got into my car, and then it hit me, she's not coming back. I went searching for her, I started crying, I hate crying. When I got back home my mom had called the police and my dad, they started discussing and whatever. I went back into my room and just laid there. I think I stayed laying there for about an hour before I finally got myself back to sleep. 2 Days later, I went from sad to completely angry. How can she leave, how can she be so selfish? I hated myself for crying and actually caring for someone who is so unappreciated. But then this past weekend, I felt convicted in my heart. How can I be so unforgiving, while God forgives all of my sin? I am unappreciated at times too.
I'm still angry, and I'd rather die than cry over her again, but finally after a week, I was finally able to forgive and let go and keep it in God's hands. She's still gone, for some reason I've been able to keep myself detached so I don't care what happens to her. Kind of harsh, but not my fault. I hope nothing bad happens to her, but I've stopped caring, it's in God's hands.
How is this attached to feelings, well I hated myself for crying and my anger just built up inside, and I can't help but find that her running away is my fault, I couldn't see past her face that she was thinking of leaving. I knew her past mistakes and I chose to see past it because I loved her and thought she sort of changed. I tried to believe that she changed. Me and her know each other so well, but I chose to forget. How can I have been so dumb? I guess that's why I hate feelings. But then I take God into consideration for me and I can't help but fear God (be in awe for those who don't know the other definition of fear.) God is not dumb, just loving and merciful. How I wish I was like that more.
Another thing about feelings is that that is where passion comes from. My passion has always been kids and now I see that my passion has been more focused on the kids in Africa. Which brings me to another point. Someone pointed out to me that what I may be passionate about may not be someone else's, they might have another passion that God has called them to. I get angry at people who don't take the kids or the wars in Africa serious, but it's not their fault, God hasn't called them to do that, but work in some other part. It's a body with different functions. Which brings me to something that I've been thinking about for a long time. A United Nations missionary organization. There are so many different missionary organizations, but because of different beliefs or denominations they don't attempt to work together for some bigger purpose that God has. I know we all have different interpretations of the scriptures, but isn't our main focus God and His son Jesus Christ? Even Paul says that if it doesn't make anyone stumble then its fine. "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." Anyway, I'm still working on this whole idea that I have, but I hope that if it is started that it'll be for God's glory, not our self pride. Anyway, I'm outs.
Many of you don't know but my sister ran away. The first night my mom woke me up and said Sammy ran away. I just stayed laying in my bed and for some reason I was like "oh don't worry she'll come back." But then I pushed myself out of bed, changed, got into my car, and then it hit me, she's not coming back. I went searching for her, I started crying, I hate crying. When I got back home my mom had called the police and my dad, they started discussing and whatever. I went back into my room and just laid there. I think I stayed laying there for about an hour before I finally got myself back to sleep. 2 Days later, I went from sad to completely angry. How can she leave, how can she be so selfish? I hated myself for crying and actually caring for someone who is so unappreciated. But then this past weekend, I felt convicted in my heart. How can I be so unforgiving, while God forgives all of my sin? I am unappreciated at times too.
I'm still angry, and I'd rather die than cry over her again, but finally after a week, I was finally able to forgive and let go and keep it in God's hands. She's still gone, for some reason I've been able to keep myself detached so I don't care what happens to her. Kind of harsh, but not my fault. I hope nothing bad happens to her, but I've stopped caring, it's in God's hands.
How is this attached to feelings, well I hated myself for crying and my anger just built up inside, and I can't help but find that her running away is my fault, I couldn't see past her face that she was thinking of leaving. I knew her past mistakes and I chose to see past it because I loved her and thought she sort of changed. I tried to believe that she changed. Me and her know each other so well, but I chose to forget. How can I have been so dumb? I guess that's why I hate feelings. But then I take God into consideration for me and I can't help but fear God (be in awe for those who don't know the other definition of fear.) God is not dumb, just loving and merciful. How I wish I was like that more.
Another thing about feelings is that that is where passion comes from. My passion has always been kids and now I see that my passion has been more focused on the kids in Africa. Which brings me to another point. Someone pointed out to me that what I may be passionate about may not be someone else's, they might have another passion that God has called them to. I get angry at people who don't take the kids or the wars in Africa serious, but it's not their fault, God hasn't called them to do that, but work in some other part. It's a body with different functions. Which brings me to something that I've been thinking about for a long time. A United Nations missionary organization. There are so many different missionary organizations, but because of different beliefs or denominations they don't attempt to work together for some bigger purpose that God has. I know we all have different interpretations of the scriptures, but isn't our main focus God and His son Jesus Christ? Even Paul says that if it doesn't make anyone stumble then its fine. "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." Anyway, I'm still working on this whole idea that I have, but I hope that if it is started that it'll be for God's glory, not our self pride. Anyway, I'm outs.
5/27/2008
Long Weekend
How I wish this past weekend was like any other weekend, nothing special about it. Go to the movies, hang with friends, work, church, the regular things that I do.
I want to runaway
From my everyday
Responsibilities of life.
To forget would be such
A blessing.
"Is there anything to do?"
I ask with eagerness.
To keep my mind occupied
would be such a blessing.
Oh to think, to let
My mind wander,
What a curse!
How I wish people would just leave me alone on things that I care little for anymore. This weekend will forever be in my mind and I don't need anyone to remind me of it, I need no one to ask questions.
How I want to scream
And not feel the strain.
How I want to feel, but
Not feel attached.
I want to run, but
Not feel tired.
I want to forget, but
It always keep coming
Back to mind.
Such torture of the body
To my weak heart.
I wish people could just understand, but I've come to the realization that no one will ever understand, only God.
Psalm 139:1 "O LORD, you have searched me and you know me." Verse 15"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth."
Psalm 141:8, "But my eyes are fixed on you, O Sovereign LORD; in you I take refuge - do not give me over to death.
Psalm 142:1-2, "I cry aloud to the LORD; I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble."
I have such turmoil within me, and I do not wish to bring misery upon others.
Some of you might be thinking, "then why write this whole blog?" Well I just wanted to show that I'm not the happy go lucky person everyone thinks I am. STOP PUTTING ME IN A BOX! I'm human too. I'm outs.
I want to runaway
From my everyday
Responsibilities of life.
To forget would be such
A blessing.
"Is there anything to do?"
I ask with eagerness.
To keep my mind occupied
would be such a blessing.
Oh to think, to let
My mind wander,
What a curse!
How I wish people would just leave me alone on things that I care little for anymore. This weekend will forever be in my mind and I don't need anyone to remind me of it, I need no one to ask questions.
How I want to scream
And not feel the strain.
How I want to feel, but
Not feel attached.
I want to run, but
Not feel tired.
I want to forget, but
It always keep coming
Back to mind.
Such torture of the body
To my weak heart.
I wish people could just understand, but I've come to the realization that no one will ever understand, only God.
Psalm 139:1 "O LORD, you have searched me and you know me." Verse 15"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth."
Psalm 141:8, "But my eyes are fixed on you, O Sovereign LORD; in you I take refuge - do not give me over to death.
Psalm 142:1-2, "I cry aloud to the LORD; I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble."
I have such turmoil within me, and I do not wish to bring misery upon others.
Some of you might be thinking, "then why write this whole blog?" Well I just wanted to show that I'm not the happy go lucky person everyone thinks I am. STOP PUTTING ME IN A BOX! I'm human too. I'm outs.
5/22/2008
HELP!!!
James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
I think the the thing that makes me get up out of my seat and makes me want to do something is the oppression and poverty occurring in Africa. I think that is where God wants me to go when I become a missionary. The refugees fleeing their homes, the killings, dictatorship, genocides, all of these things just make me want to cry out and help.
How can I help now? pray to God, help donate money when i can, that is all i can do at this moment. But what angers me to the point of screaming and writing all this down is that there are people who have enough money and waste it on things of this world when they could invest it in people that are worth so much more than anything in this world. Every person is a "one of a kind." If a friend of mine dies nothing will be able to replace them, if a child dies because of lack of food, aids, disease, natural disaster, nothing will be able to replace that one child.
What angers me too is the fact that some churches waste, WASTE money on trying to build a beautiful church or use it on something that will not glorify God in any way. I think what glorifies God the most is when someone obeys His word, when someone gives a helping hand for the kingdom of God. There is a festival in heaven when someone truly gives up their life for Christ. I think every denomination of Christianity should put all their beliefs aside and work TOGETHER, like one body. Christ says that he is the head, so we should focus on him and put our feelings aside, their are things much more important than our beliefs, it is God's glory that is most important.
I have also heard that there are food competitions in which that millions of dollars are used in food and prizes, how ridiculous!! How absurd, it's appalling. All that money and food can be given to those in other countries in NEED of food. we waste it like it was nothing.
I am blabbering, no one will do anything. People choose to be IGNORANT. Ignorance is a bliss, but to the one that chooses to be ignorant, not to the one that is in NEED of help. I'm outs
I think the the thing that makes me get up out of my seat and makes me want to do something is the oppression and poverty occurring in Africa. I think that is where God wants me to go when I become a missionary. The refugees fleeing their homes, the killings, dictatorship, genocides, all of these things just make me want to cry out and help.
How can I help now? pray to God, help donate money when i can, that is all i can do at this moment. But what angers me to the point of screaming and writing all this down is that there are people who have enough money and waste it on things of this world when they could invest it in people that are worth so much more than anything in this world. Every person is a "one of a kind." If a friend of mine dies nothing will be able to replace them, if a child dies because of lack of food, aids, disease, natural disaster, nothing will be able to replace that one child.
What angers me too is the fact that some churches waste, WASTE money on trying to build a beautiful church or use it on something that will not glorify God in any way. I think what glorifies God the most is when someone obeys His word, when someone gives a helping hand for the kingdom of God. There is a festival in heaven when someone truly gives up their life for Christ. I think every denomination of Christianity should put all their beliefs aside and work TOGETHER, like one body. Christ says that he is the head, so we should focus on him and put our feelings aside, their are things much more important than our beliefs, it is God's glory that is most important.
I have also heard that there are food competitions in which that millions of dollars are used in food and prizes, how ridiculous!! How absurd, it's appalling. All that money and food can be given to those in other countries in NEED of food. we waste it like it was nothing.
I am blabbering, no one will do anything. People choose to be IGNORANT. Ignorance is a bliss, but to the one that chooses to be ignorant, not to the one that is in NEED of help. I'm outs
5/17/2008
Evangelism
When I was in my early teens I used to stay up late, read blogs, get into my bible, write stuff down. I think it used to be the best time for my best thinking. I might start doing that again. Anyway, this morning I read a blog and it got me thinking more about evangelism and love.
I think of evangelism as someone standing on top of a chair or in the middle of a bus and preaching to people about the gospel. Yeah it works, but not every time. I thought of once standing in the middle of the train and preaching, but I shied away.
I have a friend of mine from high school that did something that really got to me. She went to the lesbian wall, sat down, and hung out with them. She isn't a lesbian, she's a Christian, she loved them. I don't mean any kind of love, but she loved them like Christ loves them. The lesbians at the wall kindly welcomed her, they welcomed her thoughts, they respected her because she did not condemn them like other Christians do. I don't know if any of the girls at the wall accepted Christ, but I think my friend brought them one step closer to accepting Christ.
I hate being labeled, I think that is one of my biggest fears, being kept in a box (figuratively.) Being called a Christian puts me in a box. I'm not saying that the label Christian is bad, I like being called a Christ follower, but then it comes with all the terms that come attached to it: Judgmental, hypocrite, secluded, stuck-up, whatever other label you may have heard. It sickens me when I hear Christians condemning a certain group of people. That makes me entirely upset. In the bible Jesus gives us two commands that sums up the Ten Commandments, "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself." God commands us to love everyone, maybe thats the best evangelism we can give.
If you know my story you know that I drank and went to parties back in high school, I didn't get drunk, but I was present. I have a Christian friend that told me that I shouldn't go to these parties, people would associate me with them. I didn't care, one of my friends that I have known for about 7 years went to these parties, she is not a Christian, and so I needed to make sure that she got home alright, I needed to make sure no one would take advantage of her. I have gotten in trouble for staying out late with my buddies, but it didn't matter to me as long as my friends were okay. I'm not trying to right my wrong, my lifestyle was not healthy and it was not right, so I do not encourage anyone to party and drink.
I think the best way for bringing people to Christ is just being there for them, loving them like God loves us. The world does not comprehend God's love and so will ask and that'll be our time to share.
Anyway read my friend's blog that i read this morning, it's better than what I have written. Be blessed and bless others. I'm outs.
I think of evangelism as someone standing on top of a chair or in the middle of a bus and preaching to people about the gospel. Yeah it works, but not every time. I thought of once standing in the middle of the train and preaching, but I shied away.
I have a friend of mine from high school that did something that really got to me. She went to the lesbian wall, sat down, and hung out with them. She isn't a lesbian, she's a Christian, she loved them. I don't mean any kind of love, but she loved them like Christ loves them. The lesbians at the wall kindly welcomed her, they welcomed her thoughts, they respected her because she did not condemn them like other Christians do. I don't know if any of the girls at the wall accepted Christ, but I think my friend brought them one step closer to accepting Christ.
I hate being labeled, I think that is one of my biggest fears, being kept in a box (figuratively.) Being called a Christian puts me in a box. I'm not saying that the label Christian is bad, I like being called a Christ follower, but then it comes with all the terms that come attached to it: Judgmental, hypocrite, secluded, stuck-up, whatever other label you may have heard. It sickens me when I hear Christians condemning a certain group of people. That makes me entirely upset. In the bible Jesus gives us two commands that sums up the Ten Commandments, "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself." God commands us to love everyone, maybe thats the best evangelism we can give.
If you know my story you know that I drank and went to parties back in high school, I didn't get drunk, but I was present. I have a Christian friend that told me that I shouldn't go to these parties, people would associate me with them. I didn't care, one of my friends that I have known for about 7 years went to these parties, she is not a Christian, and so I needed to make sure that she got home alright, I needed to make sure no one would take advantage of her. I have gotten in trouble for staying out late with my buddies, but it didn't matter to me as long as my friends were okay. I'm not trying to right my wrong, my lifestyle was not healthy and it was not right, so I do not encourage anyone to party and drink.
I think the best way for bringing people to Christ is just being there for them, loving them like God loves us. The world does not comprehend God's love and so will ask and that'll be our time to share.
Anyway read my friend's blog that i read this morning, it's better than what I have written. Be blessed and bless others. I'm outs.
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