I used to read Psalm 139 with such happiness because at least I knew God understands me, He made me. But at the end of the Psalm David asks God, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
At least with me, I have the hardest time taking correction. I can hear it, but I have the hardest time doing it. And in these past few months God has been telling me to take things out of my life, and I refused. I wanted to keep them to myself. I told God to let me keep those things, there mine! It seems that when we're supposed to give God our everything, He means EVERYTHING!!! God had to do a lot of things to keep me from those things I wanted. I still desperately want to go back, I cry and argue and I become angry almost all the time. Every morning I just want to go back, but by the middle of the day I'm glad to have my friend, Mandi, keeping me straight and focused.
And it's funny, now that i think about, I've been quoting James chapter 1 to some people a few months ago when I started hearing His voice to start giving up things. James is encouraging us to keep going, to persevere. He says, "consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
God knows us so well. He knows that I need to go through what I'm going through right now to be what He needs me to be. He has to tear down my pride and tear down my priorities. I'm not saying I won't have a problem with this again and I'm not saying this problem is gone. I'm totally still struggling. I cry almost everyday because I hate going through this. It hurts so much, but I know that at the end of this training there will be a race and when I win that race I know that God was in it. I'm trying to be positive here. It's so hard the things we go through, the things we need to give up even if that means friends or loved ones.
There are some days I don't know what I'm doing, I get scared. All seems like a fog. But God is not confusion, He is not the fog, He is the still quite voice that whispers in our ears when we are most terrified and are willing to give up everything to just hear His voice. "Be still and know that I am God." I'm outs
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