Usually I've been doing blogs on thoughts that have been running through my head. Hopefully my transparency has helped some of you that read my blogs. Well lately I have felt no inspiration to write, I desperately want to write but my fingers just are not corresponding. I came to the realization that my pride and stubbornness has probably blocked this because now it might be used to satisfy me instead of glorifying God. So for right now I am going to write something about what God has been pointing me to. This won't make any of you think, it just will help me organize my thoughts.
When I was a little girl I wanted to be an astronaut, then I wanted to become a teacher, I loved to play class and play the teacher with my friends. Then when I was fourteen I wanted to become a missionary. From then till about a month ago I wanted to be a missionary, it would change sometimes to linguist then government official, but its basically been a missionary. But though I want to be a missionary my heart was never in the right place for it. I wanted to be a missionary to change the world, not to glorify God. I just wanted to be remembered and not let God move through people. Though I wanted to be a missionary I always day dream about teaching teenagers in a Christian school. I like to have my own space and teach freely and have people listen to me. I like to think of ways to keep people's attention and I love to organize things so I would be great at organizing class discussions and organizing class days. It motivates me.
Though being a missionary has been a dream of mine, I have to get back to where God wants me to be and has molded me to be. So no more seminary school, sad, no Journeyman which I wouldn't have been able to do since I don't go to a Baptist church, but a nondenominational church. I have no idea where to go from here since all my plans since I was fourteen has circled around being a missionary. But for some reason I think I know what God has in plan and I'm looking forward to it. My last blogs have been to call out to God and he will always be there and guide you so I leave off with this verse from Jeremiah 33:3, "‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’"
I'm outs



Another one on prayer.
Yeah prayer has been a lot on my mind lately. But for good reason, lately I haven't been able to talk to God, call it sin, trying to hide from God, or no time, but lately it's actually been my pride and my stubbornness in the way. I've had a problem with my selfish ambitions and trying to give God glory. Matthew 6:24 says, "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money." What Jesus was saying was that money gives us wealth of this world, its that material thing that was in the way of glorifying God. I'm totally not saying money is bad, we do need to pay bills and not be in debt, but it has a totally deep meaning to it. Well back to prayer, this morning while I was laying in bed and of course not worrying about the day (phew no school for another 2 months) I was pondering on my relationship with God and some other important stuff like my future. I have big dreams if you didn't know, I want to change the world, I want to be another Paul, I want a revival through out the world so that my LORD Jesus can come back and take me to heaven. Well this week God kind of put me in my place. He totally humbled me. I finally submitted to God's will and once I did that I had this peace within me. I can talk to God, really talk to God again. So my dreams are going to have to stay as dreams and submit to what God really wants me to do.
I don't understand why I went through this trial, but like it says in James "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." I know this isn't a trial like in the times of James, it must have been more difficult and in many countries today that don't like the Christian faith like Islamic countries, China, India, most Asian countries, but its a more inner thing I need to work at. I was reading the Jesus freak book Voice of the Martyrs and the way they are put in trials and some die and some live and some are tortured beyond anything else. I have not been put in any of those trials, God has blessed me by living in a country that I can believe in God without being persecuted, but there are some things that I have yet to mature in. Like self control.
I also went to the compassion concert of Shane Grove at Calvary and Mr. Grove was telling about his trip to a conference in I think Africa and the country used to kill Christians in the 80s, but now it has stopped and Grove was telling this pastor how he wants to send them music from the states. Well the pastor looks at him and says I have heard your music and it is beautiful, but it has not been where I have been. So true.
Anyway back to prayer. In the early church whenever the Christians came together they ate bread fellowshipped and then prayed and whenever they prayed something always happened. Their number grew daily. Something is wrong today then. And it can't be that people don't believe in prayer because we see miracles happen, I think it has to do with the first point I had, selfish ambitions versus God glorification.
Anyway, I have written too much, this is blog number 98, so I'm looking forward to my 100th blog, I hope you guys are enjoying my blogs and its been making you think. I'm outs.



I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Sometimes I forget that Christians have ups and downs and when those downs come how I wish they didn't, I feel alone and I tend to push myself away emotionally from people, but I also pull myself towards people just so someone can smack me out of this funk.
I guess sin is what brings me into this funk, but its not a stealing candy or killing an ant kind of thing, but the sin that you want to keep to yourself and you can't even tell your best friend. Yeah you know what I mean. It's that kind of sin that your afraid of. How will my friend react once I tell her? How will they see me after I tell them? Will they judge me? Ahhh how my insides scream for understanding. I went to church tonight and this song really hit home.

Lead me to the cross where your love poured out.
Bring me to my knees Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself I belong to you.
Lord lead me
Lead me to the cross.

Beautiful song.
I'm ask God earnestly for forgiveness, but I know that God forgives me, I think the biggest obstacle is forgiving myself. I try to bring myself to perfection, but when I sin I remember... I'm human. How I wish I could be just wholly God's, get rid of this flesh that holds me back.
I'm outs



Lately I've had a problem with prayer. I do believe in prayer and I always ask people to pray for me, I do believe in God and I believe He could do all things, but I keep putting God in a box. I pray for things, but I half think that it won't be answered. God has provided so much to me already, but I sometimes become like the Israelites in the desert. God provides them food and direction yet they still turn away. I don't want to be like them. I want to have hope. I don't understand why I can't just believe, God has done so much for me already. I don't know, I have to get out of this funk that I am currently in. I just hope that I'm taking the road God wants me to take, I need God to help me come back to that place where I first believed. That is always the hardest for me to do. To go back. I've grown so much, yet God tells us to have a child like faith, and that means going back to where I first believed because that is when it was its strongest.
Sometimes I feel like breaking my legs so when it comes to relearning it I could learn it better (figuratively of course.) Anyway, I'm blabbering, I have no idea how this is teaching any of you guys in growing in your faith, but I know that my little faith will always be used for God's glory.
Oh one more thing, my birthday was June 13th, thank you for any of you guys that called me or texted me, it was way nice, but I think the one thing that really made my day was a message I received from a friend that morning. A friend of mine in high school was a total atheist, I talked to him about God for all 4 years in high school, I never stopped. Well he told me thank you for always talking to him about God because it helped him come to God, now he is a Christian. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that all the name calling I received and the rough shoulder I received in high school was all for God's glory. To help bring one person to Christ makes up for all the harshness I received. I know there was a party in heaven for one person that came to Christ and for the obedience that the Christian has for talking to that nonbeliever. God enjoys are obedience rather than our sacrifices.
1 Samuel 15: 22-23
"But Samuel replied:
'Does the LORD delight in burnt
offerings and sacrifices
as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
and to heed is better that the fat of rams.
For rebellion is like the sin of divination,
and arrogance like the evil of idolatry.
Because you have rejected the word of the LORD
he has rejected you as king.'"
Well like I said too much blabbering, I don't know how this all makes sense, maybe only Hispanics will be able to understand my train of thought. Anyway, I'm outs.



Thank you for those who were praying. My sister eventually came back home she left because of some issues she didn't want to handle, thank you for your prayers.
Anyway, this past week I was in Tennessee, amazing times, so many stories, but I'm sure my boyfriend will say it better than I can, he's more of the story teller than I am. Well while I was there I got to take hold of a book. I'm pretty sure a lot of you have either read it or heard about it, it's the Jesus Freaks; dc Talk and the Voice of the Martyrs. I just started reading it and can't put it down. So many different stories and it was all for God's glory. How awesome! I'm guessing that most of the time I'll write about the stories, their just so amazing and heart moving.
Well I wanted to talk about prayer. I've noticed how some people shy away from praying in front of a group, I understand that some people are shy, but when it comes to praising God I don't think people would really shy away from an opportunity of talking to the Holy LORD. I'm thinking that some people just don't know how to pray. Jesus gives an example of prayer in Matthew 6:9-13.

"'Our father in Heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one
for yours is the kingdom
and the power and the glory forever. Amen.'"

Jesus never meant for this prayer to be prayed every time your going to pray, it's just an example. You would first want to recognize him as the LORD of all, then ask him to let you be open to his will, then ask for forgiveness from our sin, then ask him to help us in our time of need, and then you would praise him. This is how I see it, some people see it differently and that is perfectly fine. But God has not asked us to be machines of prayer, reciting the prayers we once learned in our younger years. It's supposed to be a relationship, talk to God like you would talk to your father when you need someone to help you, talk to Him as your friend when you need someone to talk to, and talk to Him as a King with all the praise he so righteously deserves. But never forget that God wants to talk to you too, so don't forget to read His word, if you have time to read my blog then you surely have time to read his Living Word. John 1:1 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." So if you read His Word, God is actually talking to you. Well I'm outs.



I've always had a problem with feelings. Sometimes I think it keeps me from really seeing people or choices realistically. People have said that love can keep you in a bad relationship or can keep one from seeing all the bad things in a person's life. Because of this I always put myself down whenever I feel angry, or sad, or even feel love. I keep myself from crying, I attempt to keep myself from showing anger, and I always put myself down whenever I start to love because maybe it'll keep me from seeing the person for who they really are. But lately, meaning the last 2 days, I think my perspective has been changing on the subject of feelings. I think, like any other thing, feelings just need to be in check, it just can't go way too far, it needs to be controlled. Like with food. What would happen if I only ate chocolate all the time? My body would not have the nutrition it needs, I would need to have some food that would give me the proper nutrition. Chocolate isn't bad, you just need to make sure your having other foods as well.
Many of you don't know but my sister ran away. The first night my mom woke me up and said Sammy ran away. I just stayed laying in my bed and for some reason I was like "oh don't worry she'll come back." But then I pushed myself out of bed, changed, got into my car, and then it hit me, she's not coming back. I went searching for her, I started crying, I hate crying. When I got back home my mom had called the police and my dad, they started discussing and whatever. I went back into my room and just laid there. I think I stayed laying there for about an hour before I finally got myself back to sleep. 2 Days later, I went from sad to completely angry. How can she leave, how can she be so selfish? I hated myself for crying and actually caring for someone who is so unappreciated. But then this past weekend, I felt convicted in my heart. How can I be so unforgiving, while God forgives all of my sin? I am unappreciated at times too.
I'm still angry, and I'd rather die than cry over her again, but finally after a week, I was finally able to forgive and let go and keep it in God's hands. She's still gone, for some reason I've been able to keep myself detached so I don't care what happens to her. Kind of harsh, but not my fault. I hope nothing bad happens to her, but I've stopped caring, it's in God's hands.
How is this attached to feelings, well I hated myself for crying and my anger just built up inside, and I can't help but find that her running away is my fault, I couldn't see past her face that she was thinking of leaving. I knew her past mistakes and I chose to see past it because I loved her and thought she sort of changed. I tried to believe that she changed. Me and her know each other so well, but I chose to forget. How can I have been so dumb? I guess that's why I hate feelings. But then I take God into consideration for me and I can't help but fear God (be in awe for those who don't know the other definition of fear.) God is not dumb, just loving and merciful. How I wish I was like that more.
Another thing about feelings is that that is where passion comes from. My passion has always been kids and now I see that my passion has been more focused on the kids in Africa. Which brings me to another point. Someone pointed out to me that what I may be passionate about may not be someone else's, they might have another passion that God has called them to. I get angry at people who don't take the kids or the wars in Africa serious, but it's not their fault, God hasn't called them to do that, but work in some other part. It's a body with different functions. Which brings me to something that I've been thinking about for a long time. A United Nations missionary organization. There are so many different missionary organizations, but because of different beliefs or denominations they don't attempt to work together for some bigger purpose that God has. I know we all have different interpretations of the scriptures, but isn't our main focus God and His son Jesus Christ? Even Paul says that if it doesn't make anyone stumble then its fine. "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." Anyway, I'm still working on this whole idea that I have, but I hope that if it is started that it'll be for God's glory, not our self pride. Anyway, I'm outs.