Lost touch

Lately I've felt uninspired.
My hand writes nonsense
While my brain is fried.

I've lost touch with
The one I love, and
All seems lost.

My heart thumps, my blood
passes through my veins,
Yet I feel no life within me.

I know Your not gone,
But I seem lost.
What to do?


Silent Day

Do you know how difficult it is to not talk for a day? Like I could stand not talking for a day, being silent day or not, but I love to communicate with people. My friends made it a joke with me for not talking, I could stand that, but then when I was in class and the professor asked a question that I knew and no one else didn't, it was frustrating. I had to write it down and the girl next to me, Lizzy, shouted the answers for me.
Also, not speaking for a whole day made me realize how much communication is important. Yeah I joke around with my friends, but when it came to something important I had to resist myself, I had to keep tape over my mouth in class, but not with my friends.
I bet by now your wondering why I did stay silent for a day. Well today is silent day, where people around the nation stand together and stay silent because of those who are being silenced everyday by abortion. It helped me realize how much they are important, how, if they lived, they would have contributed to society.
"I'm a child not a choice" was placed upon the flyer that I had to pass around. How true that statement is. They are a child, maybe not fully made in the belly of the mother, but will soon be. They are not your choice to live or die, if you choose to not care for them, I know plenty of people that are willing to adopt babies. If you had them by accident that is still no excuse. I'm a bastard child, my parents weren't even married when i was born, they got married a few months after I was born.
I'm not being prideful or anything, but I'm pretty sure I've affected every person that I've come into contact with directly and indirectly. And I know that every child that was aborted would have affected us all one way or another.
If your thinking about having an abortion, don't. I have a cousin that would do anything to have a child of her own, but she will never be able to. She'll adopt your kid, anybody that loves kids and can't have any will love to have that child. Don't do it, that is my advice. Well I'm out.


"If you love me then you will obey me"

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway."

I saw this quote awhile ago and yet I still always look back to it. It helps remind me to look toward heavenly treasure instead of earthly treasures.
Another quote that i just came across, this one from Pascal is "The heart has reason, that reason does not know." He was referring to God. He had faith for some reason that he could not comprehend through reason. And to tell you a little about him he was part of the Scientific Revolution, a mathematician and philosopher.
For some reason I am a christian even though the life I lived did not show a christian lifestyle. For some reason God revealed Himself to me. In Romans 8:28-39 God called us, He called me. "Those He predestined, He also called; those He called, He also justified; and those He justified, He also glorified." He called us because He knew we would love Him and it says in the bible that "If you love Me, then you will obey Me." I love my God and I'll go to the ends of the earth for Him.
One thing that happened to me today was an epiphany. During FYE the Missions Director at my University came to my class to give a presentation on Missions. From beginning to end I felt my heart tugging telling me "you're going to be out there" I've always known my heart was for missions in another country, I've known this since I was 14. But now I have just started to realize that its not a dream, this is for real. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me after college, I'm not making any more plans, I'm going with the flow of what God has in plan for me. Hopefully I'll get to see P. Dave in the missions field with his family, that'll be cool. And I got to hear a missionary speak at chapel last week, I hope I get to see him again soon, I'll figure out his name tomorrow. Anyway, I'm out.


Blood Diamond

Before I used to think that any movie Leonardo Di Caprio was in was going to be either a sex movie or some Chick flick. Well after watching Blood Diamond I take that thought back. Even though the movie curses a lot and the main idea of the movie has to do with a diamond, it has so much more to it.
I didn't want to start off this post with what i did start off with, but I don't want to scare off people from reading this.
What pisses me off about America and other developed countries is that the people are so stuck into their everyday "stresses" and "depressions" that I think they're missing the big picture of this world. Not a lot of us will be remembered once we die, and if we are it's just in a history book that students don't even care about. There's so much bad stuff happening around the world that we don't even take the time and give them a hand. Who cares if a meeting was missed or you lose some money helping someone out. We're all eventually going to die, aren't we? I've yet to hear that someone has surpassed death w/ the exception of Jesus Christ who did die and then rose again. No one is immortal, so why don't we die fighting the GOOD fight? Why don't we just leave all this material desires aside and help someone that is truly in need.
What i thought was truly cannibal was when i heard that the US itself does food eating contests and waste so much money on it that, instead, they could just use it to send the food to places like Africa and Asia, and the rest of the Americas.
We have become a society of entertainment, "if it makes me feel good then it's all good." No, no, if it made me feel good to kill someone whom I disliked, what that be good? No that would be chaotic!
What I'm trying to say is that knowing and sending money isn't enough to help those in need. If I were depressed because my father died, money and you knowing would not be enough for me. Being there and holding me up to make sure I won't fall would be the world to me.
When I went to Guatemala, just being there and loving those kids meant the world to them. They had no money to send me there and no way of paying me back but I chose to be there and use my resources to help them, knowing I will not receive anything in return. Did I change the world? Nope, not even close, but did I change someone's life? Yeah i think so.
I'm not telling you guys to go on a mission trip and that will help you be less depressed. Actually I think it will bring more burden on your heart, but I'm asking you to not be ignorant and do something about those less unfortunate than ourselves. Go and fight the GOOD Fight, like it says in the bible.
I recommend watching Blood Diamond. I'm out.



I'm taking a break from studying right now, so to make my break worthy, I decided to write something.
Have you ever wished to be a little kid again, I have. Those good times where I didn't care what I wore, how my hair was done, payments, school. All i cared about was food and having a good time. How i wish to go back to those times where i had to climb the kitchen cabinets to get to the cups for a drink of water. My biggest worry was a rainy day where i couldn't go outside to play.
I love the simplicity of things now, I'm in total awe of it sometimes. The sound of the wind, the laughter of friends, the crashing of waves. Everything has become so complex, people having ulterior motives for the things they do instead of just doing it for the person. And figuring out payments for school instead of the game monopoly I used to play. How I miss being a little kid. I guess that's the reason for my immaturity at times. Playing games on people just for a laugh or playing with kids instead of having serious convos with the adults. I would have to say that even though my father is old, he'll never grow up. haha, he still makes fun of my childhood nickname, he still taps the other side of my shoulder thinking that i won't notice. I guess I take after my father a lot. I wouldn't be angry if I ended up like my dad. I remember when I was a little girl how he always had a smile on his face, still does. I remember when i wanted to be an astronaut because i wanted to see the world from a different perspective instead of looking at it through books and pictures. I was always for the moment, no consequences in mind. I miss those times where choice excited me instead of trialed me. I see my little brother, he's so small. His socks are almost the size of my hand, just a little bit smaller. The only things he cries about is food and not being paid attention to. I envy him.
In contrast, I'm glad I'm older. Older people listen to my thoughts instead of chastising it. I can drive, vote, I can reach the cup cabinet. I can choose my own path instead of my parents choosing it for me. I still have fun, I understand concepts better. I'm not ignorant to the world around me. In the bible it says Ignorance is a bliss, which is right, but I choose not to be ignorant and do something about it. Instead of being ignorant and never to be remembered in the future, i choose to know and do something about it, maybe even be remembered. I do miss the simplicities of life as a child, the ignorance that I had, but life is more worthwhile now that I'm older. I have more to lose, but much to gain. I still go back to my childhood ways just to get away from the reality, but being old has its advantages too. Well I'm out.


My political party.

Well I think it's finally time to introduce my political side. But before I do I just want to clarify that i did not choose my political party because of the candidates, but because of what the party stands for.
I am a Democrat. No, I'm pro-life. I believe that babies need a voice, born and unborn. I'm a christian so I don't like the homosexual marriage, but who am I to tell them to not get married. I lie, it's just as much a sin as homosexual marriage. I just don't agree with just making homosexual marriage a fact of life just as I like trustworthy people, I will never condemn a homosexual, but I will never agree with it.
The reason I chose Democrat is because they are in support of the people. Whatever the people want the democrat's will make sure to get it through. Social Security, the depression of the 1930's, and with the Clinton administration of 1992-1999 attempting to pass nation wide insurance for everyone. I'm not saying that the presidents of these times were perfect, they were far from it, but whose to say we're perfect. Some people might say that these presidents were just trying to gain the vote. Duh, that's the point of it. Didn't Hamilton or Jefferson say that the selfishness of the people will benefit all. I don't entirely agree with that statement, but it does show some accuracy to it, at least in the US.
Some people have asked me who would I vote for in the presidency? Well I'm not voting for Clinton. I have two reasons for that. First off, she believes in abortion even after the said date of when you shouldn't. Another reason, it might sound sexist, but it's because she's a woman. I have no problem of a woman becoming a president, but because we are so in tangled with foreign affairs, what makes you think that the Muslim world will be okay with it? They'll see it as another reason they should hate the US even more and give them more of a reason to nuke the US out of existence.
Obama seems like a good guy, but again he has the same standing as Hillary with abortion, but also he has no idea what he's talking about most of the time.
Being a Democrat doesn't mean that if a time comes that I still shouldn't vote Republican. I'll vote republican if it fits my best interest. I might sound disloyal, but no candidate is perfectly Democrat or Republican anyway. I would go more into depth, but I would need to really look into all the candidates before I do. So until next time, I'm out.


L'INGÉNE by Voltaire

'"How is it,' he wanted to know, 'that tears can bring relief? It seems to me they ought to have the opposite effect.'
'My son,' replied the good old man, 'everything inside us is purely physical. Each secretion is good for us, and everything that comforts the body comforts the soul. We are machines made by Providence.'"
I never heard this explanation between physical and emotional self.
Lately I've just been feeling stressed. Kind of like a weight put upon my chest and I can't seem to lift it off. In the book, the Child of Nature, who had cried, was crying over the fact that he wasn't allowed to marry his godmother, no relation. And when he cried he felt relieved. The thing is, i don't know why this weight has been placed upon my chest. Maybe over the loss of Eddie, I think that is when it started. I wasn't able to cry because i felt out of place. But I really doubt it has to do with that, maybe it does, but not the entire reason for me feeling like this. I just want a good cry, but I can't seem to make myself cry.
No, it has nothing to do with school, school is going great. I just find myself drifting off into space. I usually stop my studying for a second, so i could just think about it and let it pass, but lately it has been just looking into the sky. I like to see the clouds pass and the moon, stars, sunrises, and sunsets. It just drifts me away from reality. I hope it doesn't become an addiction. Because once it does become an addiction, I won't be able to concentrate on anything, but it's kind of hard because being outside and just listening to the wind and the crash of the waves just calms me down from this crazy world that we all live in. Maybe I just need a vacation. That is probably what I'll do, just walk into a forest and camp out there for two days, that would be nice.
God rested on the seventh day, if God rested, then that gives more of a reason that i should rest too. Hopefully I'll get in a good cry too. Well I'm out.


I'm a hypocrite part 2

Well I went to chapel this morning, and what do you know the same dude is talking from last night. If you read "I'm a Hypocrite" you'll get the jiff of it. Well he spoke about John 3:16-17. He asked if anyone knew John 3:16 by memory and of course we do, we've learned that verse since we were little kids even if we didn't grow up in a christian home. Well then he asked about John 3:17 and not a lot of people knew. I knew it because i heard a sermon on it a few months ago if not a year ago. Well Christ was not sent to this world to condemn the world, meaning "who are we to condemn?" but to save the world through him. Doesn't that mean we're just tools for Jesus' sacrifice? We're sinners too, who are we to condemn the homosexuals, the murderer's. "Well those are big sins." Sin is sin, we shouldn't have a double standard. In James 1 verse 8, James writes "A double minded man [is] unstable in all his ways." Again, sin is sin, so if we condemn the homosexuals and murderers, why shouldn't we condemn ourselves for lying, stealing, lust, gluttony? It'll just bring about our destruction and the wrong message that Christians are trying to pass across to the whole world. Christians should not be condemners, if thats even a word, we're supposed to pass the love around and let Jesus do the work in them. So i encourage you my brothers and sisters in Christ, do not be double minded, pass the love around, like the singer Bob Marley would try to pass. I'm out.


I'm a hypocrite!

What does it mean to be a Christian? Well today I had my epiphany. I had gone to a Missions meeting, worship kind if thing, and a missionary to Lebanon spoke. He stated that we're all hypocrites. I was like whoa, not me, I'm a christian. The definition of a Christian is Christ follower. But I realized that I do fall, I do sin, I disobey. I'm nothing close to perfect and I guess the stereotype of people being Christian is being perfect. I find myself actually stereotyping myself sometimes too. I try to portray myself perfect, but I'm not. It's hard to live to people's expectations, but I know that God's expectations surpasses anybody else. Thank God by grace I am saved. Sometimes i do wonder what is God's purpose in my life, I can't do anything. I feel like I'm sometimes just taking up space. I know people that do so much better at stuff than I do. That's how i feel. I don't know what else to say, but that God made us for a purpose, and even though we do fall, we do sin, we do disobey, God has a job for everyone, i just need to find my purpose. Anyway, I hope everyone has a blessed week. I'm out.


Minha Familia é Amigos

My grandmother will finally come back from Brazil tuesday, I'm so happy. So for sure I'll be going to miami, so I could visit her plus it's my cousins birthday and being her favorite cousin, I must go. She'll be turning eight.
With other news, I've been thinking a lot about choice and what God wants for my life. The fact that God has given me free will is awesome and crazy, I can choose to be happy, angry, even sin, but I choose to follow God's will, which in turn makes it determinism because He's knows what will happen if i do. Anyway, this past year has been nothing but choices. having to choose the right college, choosing the right friends in college, when I should drive or take the tri-rail. So many choices. This whole summer I was stressing over either choosing FIU or PBA and then God closed every door except PBA. Then I was afraid i wouldn't make any friends, but God showed me the commutor lounge, lol, and the pool and ping pong table. This semester has just been very refreshing. I'm able to breathe deeply and just enjoy the moment.
One thing that I just can't get over is that I choose to be spontanious, but yet I can't seem to express my emotions in any other way. When I'm excited I have to go and do something, when I'm sad I want to be alone, when I'm just loving the moment I love to stay quite. The problem is, is that instead of talking about how I feel I get away from the feeling itself. It's not that I don't know how to express it, it's the fact that I have no control over the other person, it scares the crap out of me. It's all about trust. Which is why I leave my feelings at home.
I remember one time i was having a panic attack, me and my sister had gotten into a deathly duel and that was my first fight. I didn't know what to do. I called my mom and she didn't want anything to do with it (which is why I despise my mother even though i love her) and then i called Eric, he's like okay "your having a panic attack, so what you need to do is sit down and just breathe." He stayed on the phone for about 10 minutes until my breathing was regular. I had been walking around short of breath and my mind was just not functioning on what to do. So thank God Eric told me that. Which brings me to trust. I trust my friend Eric to save me when I truly need it, but I can't trust my mother because she has better stuff to do. Sometimes it pisses me off because my mom said that family will always be there. She wasn't there! My friend was. Which is why for me it takes time to truly trust someone because I don't know if they'll be there when I'm in danger. Traumatization is the word that has truly affected me. Anyway this is a lot of me out there, so I'm out.



Death, such a fact of life, but yet we can't seem to keep away the tears from falling down. We can't help to feel the loss in our lives. I just found out that my friend eddie has just passed away. He wasn't getting better, but still. He was a friend, a husband, a son, the best soccer goalie I've ever played with. I'm shaking and I can't seem to type what I feel. I feel so much sorrow, but I can't cry, not right now. I see no friend in sight and to let myself go would bring upon consequences that I dare not go through. I think I'm going to go to Miami this weekend, I need to be with those that knew him and cry with them, I need to go. May Eddie rest in peace and I know he's in a batter place. I know he is with God, why don't we rejoice for that? I can't seem to do it. At my own death I don't want sorrow in the air, I want joy because I'm with God, but now i understand. "Sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning" how i wish I could see the sun rising right now. I'm out.


Image of God

What does it mean to be created in the image of God?
If you look around at other cultures, how do we know how God looks like? We all look different. Some are white, black, dark skinned; some people have blue, green, brown eyes; and some of us are blind, deaf, mentally or physically challenged. So what does God look like? For me it's still difficult to comprehend who God is, but in my last post i stated that God is love. No, not a man, but love, He is creator, He is "I am", Alpha and Omega, etc.
I had a wonderful conversation today with my friend Daniele, she told me a story that had happened in her bible class that I thoughtwas quite interesting. The question was "Is God represented equally in all the books of the Bible?" I thought about it before she told me what her professor told her, I responded, "no i don't think so." I thought about the book of Esther and remembered that God isn't even mentioned in the book of Esther. Well her professor said that God isn't represented the same in each book. In all the books it represents a piece of who God is.
Well to get back to my point, my Bible professor brought my class to the book of Ephesians 4:20-24. Three main points that I want to get across. We are transformed in mind, and when we accept Christ we are to "put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." So transformed in mind we have knowledge and through that knowledge we can learn and know God in a personal way; Righteousness means right acting; and holiness is the state of being.
So we are in the image of not by physical means, but internal means, in mind, righteousness, and holiness. Therefore, I tell you that we have been given a great gift, to look like God. Don't let anyone tell you that you are an animal (evolution) we only have a common creator. We have the choice to do what's right, which is the image of God, or do what feels right which is sin.
Let me explain myself. Is it easier to say no to sex or just go right along with it? And I'm being honest, for me it would be easier to just go right along with it, but because I have been renewed in Christ and know what I must do I chose to not have pre-maritial (don't know i spelled that correctly) sex.
So when someone asks who do you look like? say you look like God.
I'm out.