My grandmother will finally come back from Brazil tuesday, I'm so happy. So for sure I'll be going to miami, so I could visit her plus it's my cousins birthday and being her favorite cousin, I must go. She'll be turning eight.
With other news, I've been thinking a lot about choice and what God wants for my life. The fact that God has given me free will is awesome and crazy, I can choose to be happy, angry, even sin, but I choose to follow God's will, which in turn makes it determinism because He's knows what will happen if i do. Anyway, this past year has been nothing but choices. having to choose the right college, choosing the right friends in college, when I should drive or take the tri-rail. So many choices. This whole summer I was stressing over either choosing FIU or PBA and then God closed every door except PBA. Then I was afraid i wouldn't make any friends, but God showed me the commutor lounge, lol, and the pool and ping pong table. This semester has just been very refreshing. I'm able to breathe deeply and just enjoy the moment.
One thing that I just can't get over is that I choose to be spontanious, but yet I can't seem to express my emotions in any other way. When I'm excited I have to go and do something, when I'm sad I want to be alone, when I'm just loving the moment I love to stay quite. The problem is, is that instead of talking about how I feel I get away from the feeling itself. It's not that I don't know how to express it, it's the fact that I have no control over the other person, it scares the crap out of me. It's all about trust. Which is why I leave my feelings at home.
I remember one time i was having a panic attack, me and my sister had gotten into a deathly duel and that was my first fight. I didn't know what to do. I called my mom and she didn't want anything to do with it (which is why I despise my mother even though i love her) and then i called Eric, he's like okay "your having a panic attack, so what you need to do is sit down and just breathe." He stayed on the phone for about 10 minutes until my breathing was regular. I had been walking around short of breath and my mind was just not functioning on what to do. So thank God Eric told me that. Which brings me to trust. I trust my friend Eric to save me when I truly need it, but I can't trust my mother because she has better stuff to do. Sometimes it pisses me off because my mom said that family will always be there. She wasn't there! My friend was. Which is why for me it takes time to truly trust someone because I don't know if they'll be there when I'm in danger. Traumatization is the word that has truly affected me. Anyway this is a lot of me out there, so I'm out.
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