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Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009

I don't mean to offend anyone in this blog, please just be open to what I have to say. I know random people read this blog and even my friends, but if you started reading this please finish. Today is the last day of the year and I know plenty of us have had a lot of regrets, a lot of memories, and some of you did a lot of growing up. I have some regrets, if you've been reading my blogs you can certainly tell that there is something wrong, but I've done a lot of growing up in the process. Tomorrow will be a new day, a new year, and I know some of you are looking forward to change. Obama certainly has told us that change is here, and though I didn't vote for him, he's right. But what Obama doesn't understand is that change has always been happening.
Well the reason I wanted to write this blog is because I wanted to share something that I think some people can agree with me. I've been raised in the church all my life and then I became a Christian at 14, but I think the most beautiful thing I've ever seen is when a man is completely surrendered to God. I remember a few months ago I went to church and the pastor asked anyone that wanted to come forward to accept Christ. I saw an old man come forward and I couldn't help but cry. I don't why I cried, I've never met the man before and I don't think I ever will again. I think what made me sad is that he was old. He wasted his entire youth on things of the flesh and now is when he'll be starting to live his life for Christ.
I want to encourage anyone to make this resolution if you haven't done so, live without regrets. If you haven't surrendered, if you haven't given, if you haven't promised to God that you will live your life for Him you should. Look I'm not an emotional girl. I don't like to cry or have emotions, I live by my reason and if it doesn't make sense then I don't like to do it at all. I swore to live my life for God because to tell you the truth it doesn't make any sense to live for myself because I will die one day.
Everyone needs a Savior, even in the movie Superman Returns, they recognize that we all need someone. If you can tell me that you have never cried out for someone to help you then please respond to this and tell me that. When I became a Christian at 14 it wasn't because someone told me about God, I knew about God. For some reason God revealed Himself to me and literally saved my life because I wanted to end my life. I can give you passages upon passages and stories upon stories about why you should become a Christian, but I'm not going to because the passages and the stories are not the things that save people, it's you recognizing that you need help and the only person that is going to save you is God. Being a Christian doesn't mean that your parents are not going to get divorced or your kids won't stop rebelling, but it means that those things will be used for God's glory instead of just being another statistic. And though I don't know who is going to read this, just know that I love you and if this makes me look like a fool I don't care, but I'd look like a fool to help anyone out. There is so much more I want to write, but this is long enough. If you have any more questions, just comment me or if you don't want to share your question with the rest of the world you can email me at Anyway, have a Happy New Year and God Bless. I'm outs.


Coming Home

There is always a good and bad when coming back home after a long time. The good part of coming back home is the feeling of being accepted because these are the people I grew up with. I remember all the good old times and meet with good old friends and it feels like nothing has changed. The bad part about coming home is that some of the bad habits that I threw away come back. I get back into the habit of my old ways and I start to hate it, I start to hate coming back home, and I start to grow more apart from my friends that I grew up with. It's quite a dilemma. Any thoughts? I'm outs


Stupid Grammar

So I'm a HORRIBLE writer!!! I think I have good topics and such, but my grammar and way of writing just sucks!! As I write this blog, I'm afraid that I might have a million grammar issues already. Most of my professor's have commented on my writing, they all say I'm smart, but my grammar is just appalling. I have to do something about this. How am I supposed to be an amazing history major but have crappy writing? I can't wait to take my Writing about Literature next semester, I will have the most amazing English professor, Dr. Elmore, and I really hope that she can help me. I will totally go to tutoring or another class just to be better. It really hurts my grades especially in my honors classes and history classes. Anyway, I just want to ask you guys, my faithful readers, to correct my grammar in these blogs! I am disgusted and I am incredibly sad that I had no idea my grammar was bad. And to give some moral to this story, sometimes when were surrounded by the same people we won't notice our mistakes, but as we branch out to unknown territories like college, our mistakes are noticed and we just need to hope that someone will tell us our mistakes so we can correct them or learn from them. I'm outs.


Uncompromising, Loving, and Prayer

Christians have been persecuted since the beginning of Christianity. The Jews could not tolerate us and neither could the rest of the world. I think the people that were Christians at that time were clearly true, they chose to stand out and be killed because of the truth. When Constantine became King in the 300's I think that's when Christianity started its downfall from truth to theology. I'm not saying that theology is bad, I think it helps some people come to the faith, but I think that we can get so caught up into theology that we forget that even if I were an Armenian and my friend is a Calvinist we still both have Jesus Christ as our LORD and Savior. He loves us. That being a side note, I think in today's world we, as Christians, have become so compromising in our beliefs or even too radical. Some people have been compromising in the fact that they go along with culture, the Bible is not with us culturally anymore, it's not a living book is what I hear from some people and I know that is not true because in John 1:1 it says, "In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God." So to say that the Bible doesn't understand us today is to say that God does not understand us. And now to go to the opposite end of the spectrum, the radicals. Yeah I understand God sees homosexuality as a sin, but it doesn't mean that we should hate or even ignore those who take on that lifestyle or even accept it. We should love them, but be firm and PRAY! We are not a people of prayer anymore. The people in Acts 2 prayed for everything and God provided to their every need. We have been so used to providing things ourselves that we don't pray to God for our necessities like food, shelter, and clothing. Anyway, this might seem all discombobulated, but be a people of prayer, uncompromising, and loving. I'm not saying I do these things all the time, I have the hardest time trying not to compromise, but I want to encourage you guys out there to be a people of God. I'm outs.


Wishing it was just a movie or book

There are times in our lives where we wish we could be someone else or be somewhere else. I might not be the only one, but I think I've always never wanted to be me. I always stuck myself into movies and books because it brought me to a new world. I thought I was the character, but not only because I would be that someone else, but I know that at the end of the movie it's not real. Sometimes i just wish my life was just a movie, it'll end eventually in a few hours. I don't know if I'm pushing any buttons out there, but I just wanted to share that your not alone... I remember when i was a little girl I wished my life would be dramatic, or not all that "nice." I think that's the worst wish I ever made, I guess I just wanted to have my life to be screwed up so at the end I would have someone to make it all better and sweep me off my feet. Sounds girly... I just want to be out of this body already, too much hurt and pain. I don't understand how God loves us. We are so screwed up most of the time, I don't even think we should have any mercy, we're disgusting, but I guess we all need someone to make everything better and maybe not in the way we think is better. I'm just rambling now... I'm outs.



I used to read Psalm 139 with such happiness because at least I knew God understands me, He made me. But at the end of the Psalm David asks God, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
At least with me, I have the hardest time taking correction. I can hear it, but I have the hardest time doing it. And in these past few months God has been telling me to take things out of my life, and I refused. I wanted to keep them to myself. I told God to let me keep those things, there mine! It seems that when we're supposed to give God our everything, He means EVERYTHING!!! God had to do a lot of things to keep me from those things I wanted. I still desperately want to go back, I cry and argue and I become angry almost all the time. Every morning I just want to go back, but by the middle of the day I'm glad to have my friend, Mandi, keeping me straight and focused.
And it's funny, now that i think about, I've been quoting James chapter 1 to some people a few months ago when I started hearing His voice to start giving up things. James is encouraging us to keep going, to persevere. He says, "consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
God knows us so well. He knows that I need to go through what I'm going through right now to be what He needs me to be. He has to tear down my pride and tear down my priorities. I'm not saying I won't have a problem with this again and I'm not saying this problem is gone. I'm totally still struggling. I cry almost everyday because I hate going through this. It hurts so much, but I know that at the end of this training there will be a race and when I win that race I know that God was in it. I'm trying to be positive here. It's so hard the things we go through, the things we need to give up even if that means friends or loved ones.
There are some days I don't know what I'm doing, I get scared. All seems like a fog. But God is not confusion, He is not the fog, He is the still quite voice that whispers in our ears when we are most terrified and are willing to give up everything to just hear His voice. "Be still and know that I am God." I'm outs



The Devil has no control over me, all he can do is put thoughts in my head.
For I no longer am a slave to sin, but a slave to righteousness. I no longer carry my cross alone or for myself, but Jesus Christ carries it with me and I carry it for him who stores my inheritance in an eternal Heaven.
My flesh desires and my spirit is lost in the crowd, but all I can think of is to wait. "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14
It's doesn't say I will feel Him or things will get better or what I want will fall right upon my feet at the moment I want it, but to just wait. His timing is perfect, He is perfect, He is my salvation.
Praise Him for He is always near and will NEVER fail! I'm outs...


Presidential Election

I usually don't write anything about politics, but I think I should... A lot of heat has been moving around between the Republicans and the Democrats. I was trying to figure out why there aren't many you tube videos against McCain but find a lot on Obama. Well I think it's because Obama is probably going to become President. I really think he might, but I'm not endorsing Obama, I'm endorsing McCain. But before you vote for President watch this you tube video about Obama. To tell you the truth Obama scares the crap out of me and I don't think a President that scares people should be President. No offense to McCain, but he looks like he can't a hurt a fly, he's really old... Anyway, watch the video and tell me what you think. I'm outs


God will always be there for us

I've posted this video before, but I thought I should post it again. A lot has been going on in my life and its overwhelming sometimes, but I'm grateful to have a loving God who will always be there for me. Anyway, I hope you enjoy. I'm outs


I'm sorry

The rain is falling and the hall is empty.
I want to get out, but it's so easy in here.
I want to run in the rain and get completely wet
I don't care what happens,
I just want out.

Save me, complete me,
Fill this empty space within my heart.
Do not leave me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.


Your presence

I'm surrounded, but yet alone.
Who should comfort me?
Who should take this
war within me?
My tears are unheard and
fall in vain
Who should care for me?
Grace and Mercy are too
new to me to understand.
LORD, comfort me.
I do not feel You near and
all I want is Your presence.


I am faithless!

I don't feel like I'm good enough to say I'm a Jesus freak. I'm not. I FAIL YOU!!!
Help me get past that phrase. I didn't want to go on past it. The devil tells me I can't pass the fact that I'm a failure. I know that I can, but all I can think about is how in every way I have sinned. I am disgusting in Your sight. Please remind me that You will always be with me. In all my prayers I ask You to remind me. I am so forgetful about what You have done for me. All throughout the Old testament the people of Israel needed to be reminded of what You have done for them. Please don't look away from me. My prayer is that of David, look within me and find anything not up to Your standards and change it. I beg you!
Though I am faithless You are faithful.
2 Timothy 2:13
"if we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself."

Oh the wonderful Cross
You took my place
And now I will live forever.
You are so merciful,
not because You have to
But because You love me.
LORD, why do you love me?
I bang my chest,
I scream out loud,
I look like a fool.
I am disgusting,
Yet You see so much worth in me.

I'm outs.


Isaiah 12

Isaiah 12:2
"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation."
The only one I am not afraid to go to is my God. I am not afraid to cry, to argue, to run away from because though I am faithless and disbelieve at times, He is still there.
I am not afraid to go to Him anytime because he does not become annoyed. I am grateful and the LORD will be my God.

Though the storm is here, I will sing.
Though I am afraid, I will dance.
Though I feel alone, I will praise You,
And you alone I will praise and rest in You


I want a penny!

I decided to go to chapel a day early and found myself zoning out until the ending of the “sermon.” I wasn’t zoning out because of the topic or the person preaching, but I found myself thinking about other things that have been on my mind rather than keeping them in God’s hands. Well the end of the sermon the college pastor, Bernie, started talking about his son and gave a meaningful story that really hit home. He started out talking about wishing wells and how he saw it as a waste of money and no point to them. Well his son liked to throw pennies in the well and his youngest son, Nicholas, liked to throw pennies at the people on the other side of the well. I thought that was quite funny. Well the Bernie gave his first son all the pennies in his right pocket and when Nicholas asked for pennies Bernie reached into his left pocket and found that there were no pennies in his left pocket. He asked his wife if she had any pennies and she had none either. Well then he pulls out a five dollar bill and tells Nicholas that that was all he had. Nicholas refused the five and cried out that his father promised him a penny. Bernie told him that the five was worth 500 pennies, but Nicholas still wanted just one penny.
The point of the story was that Nicholas wanted that one penny when his father was giving him something worth more than a penny, 500 pennies! And Bernie used it to show that God has such a huge plan for us, but we choose the lesser value at times. I know for sure that I sometimes chose the penny because my trust is not in God, I don’t understand what the five dollar bill is, but God knows so much more than I can fathom and I need to trust in Him. This is totally easier said than done, but when was it never cool to have an ideal than no goal at all? I’m outs.


what happened to focus?

I'm sorry for not writing lately. My mind has not been in focus. I'm thinking of too many things at the same time. School, relationships, friends, family, church, I can't seem to keep my mind focused. When i started writing this blog my biggest concern was focus. I seem to have a huge problem on just focusing and get caught up in the moment that I forget importance. It seems that it doesn't matter how many lists i write up and how many things I check off, it doesn't seem like it will ever end. I guess its lack of patience that my mind can't seem to focus. I want things to happen now, be done now, but i have to wait.
One thing that I have learned is that I think its better if God doesn't tell us what is going to happen. I learned the hard way that if God tells me something I kind of put it into my own hands instead of just waiting for God's perfect timing. For example, God tells me I'm going to be CEO of a company, so what I start doing is start pushing myself to the top instead of waiting for God to lift me up into the position. It takes time to get to the top, if I got to the top in 5 years, well I might fall in a few months or years because instead of waiting for the right people to put me in the right positions I went through the easy positions to get there.
Well this doesn't make any sense anymore, hopefully I won't be taking so much time between blogs, I love to write. I'm outs...


Do you want to know what I struggle with?

We all have these different struggles in our lives be it cussing, pornography, trust, sex before marriage whatever it may be. I think what I struggle with the most is actually being a Christian. Not that I don't believe in God or what Jesus Christ did for me on the cross, I truly believe in God and His magnificent works, but the world seems so eager to please me.
Before I even started college, life was good to me, God blessed me in many different ways that I didn't see it necessary or even want to give in to the world. I did the most dumbest thing when I started college, I let my guard down. That armor we're supposed to be wearing I saw it too heavy to carry and dropped some really important things that I need. Ephesians 6:10-18.
I dropped my guard and now I have to pick myself back up again. Pick up my armor. It's heavy, I'm not going to lie, but I have to look forward to the prize and I think I lost sight of that. I became proud and thanked God for giving me so many blessings when i should have been humble. Kind of like King David. He defeated so many countries that when the War of Kings came along he was too proud to go. And there goes his guard, it drops, and he commits adultery.
I was setting up Risk just the other day and the board was backwards to me, I was on top of the world. And a thought occurred to me, when I'm on top of the world you see everything backwards, if your at the bottom you see everything right side up. "Wow sounds so theological", but its not, its true. It does look nice in the valley for a reason with all the life and trees surrounding, the streams surrounding, it seems logical that life happens and grows at the bottom. I hope this was some food for thought. Sorry for not blogging enough this month.
And just to be a reminder that this is for all God's glory so please don't praise me for my writing, its nice, but I wouldn't be writing if it wasn't for God and His awesomeness and His goodness and holiness and everything that He is. I'm outs.



So this past week I received something in the mail from my school from a "club" pursay that welcomes new students to the school, Welcome Week. Anyway, this past week I received a letter from one of the leaders of Welcome Week and I thought it should take up one of my blogs. I hope you enjoy.

Hey Fish leaders and Navigators
I hope you guys are having a very relaxing summer. please know that you are missed this summer here at PBA! Let me (Jon) begin by telling you about my summer. My summer has been packed full. I have been working in a new ministry called Revolution ministries which reaches out to Belle Glade. Belle Glade is about an hour from West palm Beach. It is one of the poorest cities in Florida and the nation. It has the highest occurrence of HIV/AIDS in America, while 7 out of 10 homes do not pass Health Inspections. I have been working with the youth in different ways doing service projects, youth groups and discipleship ministries. The one thing that bothers me is the sense of hopelessness these children have. One of the boys I disciple, age 13, had been absent for about 2 weeks, he came recently and i was catching up on what had been going on in his life. His father left their family with no source of income, and this teen joined a gang. He actually joined one of the worst gangs in town and I asked him why he wanted to be in a gang. His response was "I just wanted to feel like I belonged." Just like this boy, many of our students want to belong somewhere so they join the Cripps, the Bloods, or the True Haitian soldiers. We belong to the Body of Christ and we need to show that through our service. If we genuinely serve, we will add new members to the Body of Christ. I have seen a lot of students in this area come to know Christ.

Then Jon goes on with things about Welcome Week and how this pertains to welcome week, but the moral of me bringing this letter out there is the truth behind it. How I sometimes just want to belong and do things that I never dreamed of doing. Thank God I have never been put to that situation, but it makes me think on what kind of difference I can make if I just accept people for who they are and love them just like God loves us. Thanks Jon for your letter. I'm outs.


Scars of a frigntened teenager

What makes me angry is the fact that some people think they can just run away from their problems and not face them. Be it whatever it is. Marriages failing because there isn't any communication or trust or too tired or whatever it may be. My parents got a divorce because my dad couldn't freaking handle my mom anymore. My dad and step mom are getting divorced because she stopped communicating with my dad. Divorces left and right. And then people wonder why young adults and teens are more likely to have sex rather than get married. Its scary to think that you share this life with one person and then they up and leave you. What bothers me is I try to figure out what is going on through the head of the person leaving. I can't understand why one would do that, unless of course their beating you up. I think its just selfish. Because not only does the spouse get screwed over but the kids too and little cousins, nieces, nephews, little brothers and sisters.
I get scared. I'm deathly afraid of marriage or getting too close. With my boyfriend, I can't help but still wonder. He knows that and he tries to help me, but its a scar thats deep and stays. I think that is why I get so attached with people, try to be there for people. My sister too, though we hate on each other lots of times. When someone becomes my friend I try to be there for that person because I hope that they will be there for me too. Kind of like a family, but I'm not comparing it to my blood family, but to a bonding family that sticks closer than blood. A David and Jonathon kind of family.
This is love. No not a love that you feel, but a love that stays even when you don't feel it. What is that kind of love? Enduring, Everlasting, Never Failing. Only through Christ can one understand that kind of love. I've been in a pile of crap because of my sin and its been hard to listen to what people have to say and its been hard for God to move through me. I have this thing that makes me detached from life. I don't want to be apart, but a part of people's lives. So whenever I feel I'm going to fail, I have someone to catch me. And though I have this scar I know not to make the same mistakes. And though I make mistakes I have a God that will always carry me through. I'm outs.


Sex before marriage?

So I've been asking different types, kinds of people their opinion about sex before marriage. Some people say to wait till you do get married, some people say that the bible is in the past and some of the things are irrelevant, some people say if you love them might as well do it, and some people say do whatever you want.
Well to those who say do whatever you want do not think about the consequences.
Those who say if you love them might as well do it, well what does love really mean to you? Is it just someone that you trust or someone you see your life going somewhere with? If its someone that you trust, thats good, but it needs to go beyond trust. If you see your life going somewhere with that person then might as well wait just in case something does occur that obscures it.
Those who say that the bible is irrelevant today are being dumb. The things God says are not stuck in a time period. He is omnipresent, He does not live in the world of time, John 1:1 says, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." So if the Bible is irrelevant that means that God is irrelevant and He is not, He is what keeps us together, keeps us living, keeps the universe from falling apart.
For those who say just wait till marriage have a point. Once someone has sex they have that intimacy that should be kept in a marriage. They become one body.
So for those Christians who are questioning about having sex before marriage, don't do it. God said it for a reason, He wants us to live peaceful, fulfilling lives for Him and why shouldn't we? He gave up His life for us so that we may be with Him forever. Anyway, I'm outs



Usually I've been doing blogs on thoughts that have been running through my head. Hopefully my transparency has helped some of you that read my blogs. Well lately I have felt no inspiration to write, I desperately want to write but my fingers just are not corresponding. I came to the realization that my pride and stubbornness has probably blocked this because now it might be used to satisfy me instead of glorifying God. So for right now I am going to write something about what God has been pointing me to. This won't make any of you think, it just will help me organize my thoughts.
When I was a little girl I wanted to be an astronaut, then I wanted to become a teacher, I loved to play class and play the teacher with my friends. Then when I was fourteen I wanted to become a missionary. From then till about a month ago I wanted to be a missionary, it would change sometimes to linguist then government official, but its basically been a missionary. But though I want to be a missionary my heart was never in the right place for it. I wanted to be a missionary to change the world, not to glorify God. I just wanted to be remembered and not let God move through people. Though I wanted to be a missionary I always day dream about teaching teenagers in a Christian school. I like to have my own space and teach freely and have people listen to me. I like to think of ways to keep people's attention and I love to organize things so I would be great at organizing class discussions and organizing class days. It motivates me.
Though being a missionary has been a dream of mine, I have to get back to where God wants me to be and has molded me to be. So no more seminary school, sad, no Journeyman which I wouldn't have been able to do since I don't go to a Baptist church, but a nondenominational church. I have no idea where to go from here since all my plans since I was fourteen has circled around being a missionary. But for some reason I think I know what God has in plan and I'm looking forward to it. My last blogs have been to call out to God and he will always be there and guide you so I leave off with this verse from Jeremiah 33:3, "‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’"
I'm outs



Another one on prayer.
Yeah prayer has been a lot on my mind lately. But for good reason, lately I haven't been able to talk to God, call it sin, trying to hide from God, or no time, but lately it's actually been my pride and my stubbornness in the way. I've had a problem with my selfish ambitions and trying to give God glory. Matthew 6:24 says, "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money." What Jesus was saying was that money gives us wealth of this world, its that material thing that was in the way of glorifying God. I'm totally not saying money is bad, we do need to pay bills and not be in debt, but it has a totally deep meaning to it. Well back to prayer, this morning while I was laying in bed and of course not worrying about the day (phew no school for another 2 months) I was pondering on my relationship with God and some other important stuff like my future. I have big dreams if you didn't know, I want to change the world, I want to be another Paul, I want a revival through out the world so that my LORD Jesus can come back and take me to heaven. Well this week God kind of put me in my place. He totally humbled me. I finally submitted to God's will and once I did that I had this peace within me. I can talk to God, really talk to God again. So my dreams are going to have to stay as dreams and submit to what God really wants me to do.
I don't understand why I went through this trial, but like it says in James "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." I know this isn't a trial like in the times of James, it must have been more difficult and in many countries today that don't like the Christian faith like Islamic countries, China, India, most Asian countries, but its a more inner thing I need to work at. I was reading the Jesus freak book Voice of the Martyrs and the way they are put in trials and some die and some live and some are tortured beyond anything else. I have not been put in any of those trials, God has blessed me by living in a country that I can believe in God without being persecuted, but there are some things that I have yet to mature in. Like self control.
I also went to the compassion concert of Shane Grove at Calvary and Mr. Grove was telling about his trip to a conference in I think Africa and the country used to kill Christians in the 80s, but now it has stopped and Grove was telling this pastor how he wants to send them music from the states. Well the pastor looks at him and says I have heard your music and it is beautiful, but it has not been where I have been. So true.
Anyway back to prayer. In the early church whenever the Christians came together they ate bread fellowshipped and then prayed and whenever they prayed something always happened. Their number grew daily. Something is wrong today then. And it can't be that people don't believe in prayer because we see miracles happen, I think it has to do with the first point I had, selfish ambitions versus God glorification.
Anyway, I have written too much, this is blog number 98, so I'm looking forward to my 100th blog, I hope you guys are enjoying my blogs and its been making you think. I'm outs.



I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Sometimes I forget that Christians have ups and downs and when those downs come how I wish they didn't, I feel alone and I tend to push myself away emotionally from people, but I also pull myself towards people just so someone can smack me out of this funk.
I guess sin is what brings me into this funk, but its not a stealing candy or killing an ant kind of thing, but the sin that you want to keep to yourself and you can't even tell your best friend. Yeah you know what I mean. It's that kind of sin that your afraid of. How will my friend react once I tell her? How will they see me after I tell them? Will they judge me? Ahhh how my insides scream for understanding. I went to church tonight and this song really hit home.

Lead me to the cross where your love poured out.
Bring me to my knees Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself I belong to you.
Lord lead me
Lead me to the cross.

Beautiful song.
I'm ask God earnestly for forgiveness, but I know that God forgives me, I think the biggest obstacle is forgiving myself. I try to bring myself to perfection, but when I sin I remember... I'm human. How I wish I could be just wholly God's, get rid of this flesh that holds me back.
I'm outs



Lately I've had a problem with prayer. I do believe in prayer and I always ask people to pray for me, I do believe in God and I believe He could do all things, but I keep putting God in a box. I pray for things, but I half think that it won't be answered. God has provided so much to me already, but I sometimes become like the Israelites in the desert. God provides them food and direction yet they still turn away. I don't want to be like them. I want to have hope. I don't understand why I can't just believe, God has done so much for me already. I don't know, I have to get out of this funk that I am currently in. I just hope that I'm taking the road God wants me to take, I need God to help me come back to that place where I first believed. That is always the hardest for me to do. To go back. I've grown so much, yet God tells us to have a child like faith, and that means going back to where I first believed because that is when it was its strongest.
Sometimes I feel like breaking my legs so when it comes to relearning it I could learn it better (figuratively of course.) Anyway, I'm blabbering, I have no idea how this is teaching any of you guys in growing in your faith, but I know that my little faith will always be used for God's glory.
Oh one more thing, my birthday was June 13th, thank you for any of you guys that called me or texted me, it was way nice, but I think the one thing that really made my day was a message I received from a friend that morning. A friend of mine in high school was a total atheist, I talked to him about God for all 4 years in high school, I never stopped. Well he told me thank you for always talking to him about God because it helped him come to God, now he is a Christian. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that all the name calling I received and the rough shoulder I received in high school was all for God's glory. To help bring one person to Christ makes up for all the harshness I received. I know there was a party in heaven for one person that came to Christ and for the obedience that the Christian has for talking to that nonbeliever. God enjoys are obedience rather than our sacrifices.
1 Samuel 15: 22-23
"But Samuel replied:
'Does the LORD delight in burnt
offerings and sacrifices
as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
and to heed is better that the fat of rams.
For rebellion is like the sin of divination,
and arrogance like the evil of idolatry.
Because you have rejected the word of the LORD
he has rejected you as king.'"
Well like I said too much blabbering, I don't know how this all makes sense, maybe only Hispanics will be able to understand my train of thought. Anyway, I'm outs.



Thank you for those who were praying. My sister eventually came back home she left because of some issues she didn't want to handle, thank you for your prayers.
Anyway, this past week I was in Tennessee, amazing times, so many stories, but I'm sure my boyfriend will say it better than I can, he's more of the story teller than I am. Well while I was there I got to take hold of a book. I'm pretty sure a lot of you have either read it or heard about it, it's the Jesus Freaks; dc Talk and the Voice of the Martyrs. I just started reading it and can't put it down. So many different stories and it was all for God's glory. How awesome! I'm guessing that most of the time I'll write about the stories, their just so amazing and heart moving.
Well I wanted to talk about prayer. I've noticed how some people shy away from praying in front of a group, I understand that some people are shy, but when it comes to praising God I don't think people would really shy away from an opportunity of talking to the Holy LORD. I'm thinking that some people just don't know how to pray. Jesus gives an example of prayer in Matthew 6:9-13.

"'Our father in Heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one
for yours is the kingdom
and the power and the glory forever. Amen.'"

Jesus never meant for this prayer to be prayed every time your going to pray, it's just an example. You would first want to recognize him as the LORD of all, then ask him to let you be open to his will, then ask for forgiveness from our sin, then ask him to help us in our time of need, and then you would praise him. This is how I see it, some people see it differently and that is perfectly fine. But God has not asked us to be machines of prayer, reciting the prayers we once learned in our younger years. It's supposed to be a relationship, talk to God like you would talk to your father when you need someone to help you, talk to Him as your friend when you need someone to talk to, and talk to Him as a King with all the praise he so righteously deserves. But never forget that God wants to talk to you too, so don't forget to read His word, if you have time to read my blog then you surely have time to read his Living Word. John 1:1 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." So if you read His Word, God is actually talking to you. Well I'm outs.



I've always had a problem with feelings. Sometimes I think it keeps me from really seeing people or choices realistically. People have said that love can keep you in a bad relationship or can keep one from seeing all the bad things in a person's life. Because of this I always put myself down whenever I feel angry, or sad, or even feel love. I keep myself from crying, I attempt to keep myself from showing anger, and I always put myself down whenever I start to love because maybe it'll keep me from seeing the person for who they really are. But lately, meaning the last 2 days, I think my perspective has been changing on the subject of feelings. I think, like any other thing, feelings just need to be in check, it just can't go way too far, it needs to be controlled. Like with food. What would happen if I only ate chocolate all the time? My body would not have the nutrition it needs, I would need to have some food that would give me the proper nutrition. Chocolate isn't bad, you just need to make sure your having other foods as well.
Many of you don't know but my sister ran away. The first night my mom woke me up and said Sammy ran away. I just stayed laying in my bed and for some reason I was like "oh don't worry she'll come back." But then I pushed myself out of bed, changed, got into my car, and then it hit me, she's not coming back. I went searching for her, I started crying, I hate crying. When I got back home my mom had called the police and my dad, they started discussing and whatever. I went back into my room and just laid there. I think I stayed laying there for about an hour before I finally got myself back to sleep. 2 Days later, I went from sad to completely angry. How can she leave, how can she be so selfish? I hated myself for crying and actually caring for someone who is so unappreciated. But then this past weekend, I felt convicted in my heart. How can I be so unforgiving, while God forgives all of my sin? I am unappreciated at times too.
I'm still angry, and I'd rather die than cry over her again, but finally after a week, I was finally able to forgive and let go and keep it in God's hands. She's still gone, for some reason I've been able to keep myself detached so I don't care what happens to her. Kind of harsh, but not my fault. I hope nothing bad happens to her, but I've stopped caring, it's in God's hands.
How is this attached to feelings, well I hated myself for crying and my anger just built up inside, and I can't help but find that her running away is my fault, I couldn't see past her face that she was thinking of leaving. I knew her past mistakes and I chose to see past it because I loved her and thought she sort of changed. I tried to believe that she changed. Me and her know each other so well, but I chose to forget. How can I have been so dumb? I guess that's why I hate feelings. But then I take God into consideration for me and I can't help but fear God (be in awe for those who don't know the other definition of fear.) God is not dumb, just loving and merciful. How I wish I was like that more.
Another thing about feelings is that that is where passion comes from. My passion has always been kids and now I see that my passion has been more focused on the kids in Africa. Which brings me to another point. Someone pointed out to me that what I may be passionate about may not be someone else's, they might have another passion that God has called them to. I get angry at people who don't take the kids or the wars in Africa serious, but it's not their fault, God hasn't called them to do that, but work in some other part. It's a body with different functions. Which brings me to something that I've been thinking about for a long time. A United Nations missionary organization. There are so many different missionary organizations, but because of different beliefs or denominations they don't attempt to work together for some bigger purpose that God has. I know we all have different interpretations of the scriptures, but isn't our main focus God and His son Jesus Christ? Even Paul says that if it doesn't make anyone stumble then its fine. "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." Anyway, I'm still working on this whole idea that I have, but I hope that if it is started that it'll be for God's glory, not our self pride. Anyway, I'm outs.


Long Weekend

How I wish this past weekend was like any other weekend, nothing special about it. Go to the movies, hang with friends, work, church, the regular things that I do.

I want to runaway
From my everyday
Responsibilities of life.
To forget would be such
A blessing.

"Is there anything to do?"
I ask with eagerness.
To keep my mind occupied
would be such a blessing.

Oh to think, to let
My mind wander,
What a curse!

How I wish people would just leave me alone on things that I care little for anymore. This weekend will forever be in my mind and I don't need anyone to remind me of it, I need no one to ask questions.

How I want to scream
And not feel the strain.
How I want to feel, but
Not feel attached.
I want to run, but
Not feel tired.
I want to forget, but
It always keep coming
Back to mind.
Such torture of the body
To my weak heart.

I wish people could just understand, but I've come to the realization that no one will ever understand, only God.
Psalm 139:1 "O LORD, you have searched me and you know me." Verse 15"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth."
Psalm 141:8, "But my eyes are fixed on you, O Sovereign LORD; in you I take refuge - do not give me over to death.
Psalm 142:1-2, "I cry aloud to the LORD; I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble."

I have such turmoil within me, and I do not wish to bring misery upon others.

Some of you might be thinking, "then why write this whole blog?" Well I just wanted to show that I'm not the happy go lucky person everyone thinks I am. STOP PUTTING ME IN A BOX! I'm human too. I'm outs.



James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
I think the the thing that makes me get up out of my seat and makes me want to do something is the oppression and poverty occurring in Africa. I think that is where God wants me to go when I become a missionary. The refugees fleeing their homes, the killings, dictatorship, genocides, all of these things just make me want to cry out and help.
How can I help now? pray to God, help donate money when i can, that is all i can do at this moment. But what angers me to the point of screaming and writing all this down is that there are people who have enough money and waste it on things of this world when they could invest it in people that are worth so much more than anything in this world. Every person is a "one of a kind." If a friend of mine dies nothing will be able to replace them, if a child dies because of lack of food, aids, disease, natural disaster, nothing will be able to replace that one child.
What angers me too is the fact that some churches waste, WASTE money on trying to build a beautiful church or use it on something that will not glorify God in any way. I think what glorifies God the most is when someone obeys His word, when someone gives a helping hand for the kingdom of God. There is a festival in heaven when someone truly gives up their life for Christ. I think every denomination of Christianity should put all their beliefs aside and work TOGETHER, like one body. Christ says that he is the head, so we should focus on him and put our feelings aside, their are things much more important than our beliefs, it is God's glory that is most important.
I have also heard that there are food competitions in which that millions of dollars are used in food and prizes, how ridiculous!! How absurd, it's appalling. All that money and food can be given to those in other countries in NEED of food. we waste it like it was nothing.
I am blabbering, no one will do anything. People choose to be IGNORANT. Ignorance is a bliss, but to the one that chooses to be ignorant, not to the one that is in NEED of help. I'm outs



When I was in my early teens I used to stay up late, read blogs, get into my bible, write stuff down. I think it used to be the best time for my best thinking. I might start doing that again. Anyway, this morning I read a blog and it got me thinking more about evangelism and love.
I think of evangelism as someone standing on top of a chair or in the middle of a bus and preaching to people about the gospel. Yeah it works, but not every time. I thought of once standing in the middle of the train and preaching, but I shied away.
I have a friend of mine from high school that did something that really got to me. She went to the lesbian wall, sat down, and hung out with them. She isn't a lesbian, she's a Christian, she loved them. I don't mean any kind of love, but she loved them like Christ loves them. The lesbians at the wall kindly welcomed her, they welcomed her thoughts, they respected her because she did not condemn them like other Christians do. I don't know if any of the girls at the wall accepted Christ, but I think my friend brought them one step closer to accepting Christ.
I hate being labeled, I think that is one of my biggest fears, being kept in a box (figuratively.) Being called a Christian puts me in a box. I'm not saying that the label Christian is bad, I like being called a Christ follower, but then it comes with all the terms that come attached to it: Judgmental, hypocrite, secluded, stuck-up, whatever other label you may have heard. It sickens me when I hear Christians condemning a certain group of people. That makes me entirely upset. In the bible Jesus gives us two commands that sums up the Ten Commandments, "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself." God commands us to love everyone, maybe thats the best evangelism we can give.
If you know my story you know that I drank and went to parties back in high school, I didn't get drunk, but I was present. I have a Christian friend that told me that I shouldn't go to these parties, people would associate me with them. I didn't care, one of my friends that I have known for about 7 years went to these parties, she is not a Christian, and so I needed to make sure that she got home alright, I needed to make sure no one would take advantage of her. I have gotten in trouble for staying out late with my buddies, but it didn't matter to me as long as my friends were okay. I'm not trying to right my wrong, my lifestyle was not healthy and it was not right, so I do not encourage anyone to party and drink.
I think the best way for bringing people to Christ is just being there for them, loving them like God loves us. The world does not comprehend God's love and so will ask and that'll be our time to share.
Anyway read my friend's blog that i read this morning, it's better than what I have written. Be blessed and bless others. I'm outs.


Death through Adam, Life through Chist

Romans 5:12-21
So I'm not going to put the whole passage, that will be way too long, but I want to zone in one verse that has been bothering me today.
v. 18 "Consequently, just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men."
Through Adam all of us sin and "fall short", but then through Christ all have become holy for those who believe in Him.
I can't help but think of the worst torture that Christ must have gone through. It must have been really terrible because he died for ALL who believe in him. He went through torture, name calling, carrying himself to his own death, a crown of thorns put upon his head, his garments being gambled, his friends just watching, nails in his hands and feet, his shoulders going in and out of place every time he breathed, and I can keep going on. The worst possible torture I can think of. But what really bothers me is that he did it willingly! He went through the worst, so that his children may one day go to heaven and be with Him. What grace!
And if you go into the next chapter, Romans 6 it says "...that we should no longer be slaves to sin- because anyone who has died has been freed from sin." I can't help but hate myself. I have been freed from my chains of sin yet I keep wanting to go back. Like the Hebrews being in the desert, they wanted to go back to Egypt over and over again, though they went through the worst labor there. God provided, He did not fail them, yet they wanted to go back. I am just like them. I see myself slowly going back to sin.
Right now I'm reading over Psalms and I see David cry out to God over and over, "Save me, O God..." and "Hasten O God to save me:..." through his trials he asks God to help Him and he sings praise to God.
Oh how I wished I was like David, a woman after God's own heart.
I can't help but keep wondering why God is so good to us.
Psalm 69:6 "May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O LORD, the LORD Almighty; may those who seek you not be put to shame because of me, O LORD of Israel."
God knows my sin, He knows those thoughts that pass through my head. People may see me and think, now there goes a girl who is on the right path, but God sees my heart and knows that I fall so many times. I hate that i fall, I hate that my flesh still desires, I hate that i fall short. But I love that I have a Father that loves me SO much, I have a King who willingly died for my life, He is the friend that will never fail me.
GOD IS SO GOOD!! I want to shout it out, I want to run in the streets, I want to tell all my friends, but I can't. Why can't I? I don't know, my body is lazy, my voice fails, I am peer pressured to conform. God should not take me into consideration, He should look away from me. I am a disgusting creature, I am one who hears, but does not tell. I am the one that that has the cure but does not tell those who need it.
God look away from me, I am not worthy, you are so Holy and so righteous, I am not worthy. LORD over all, take pity for I am needy. You use me and I take credit, I am prideful, I deserve none of your grace, yet you give me all of Your love. My heart beats and my mind can not grasp or even express how much I am Thankful, You have been so good to me. Take all the glory, only you deserve it.
Sorry, this is getting way complicated. I'm outs.


God is bigger

"Don't become caught up in telling God all of your problems, let your problems know who your God is."

It's true, I've been completely bored, and I can't help but blog almost everyday.
Well I found the quote above at a friend's facebook and I really liked it. Sometimes I can't help but think about what I talk to God about. Usually I follow the format that Jesus gave to his disciples, but of course I don't follow it completely. Anyway, usually I tell God that I'm sorry about this sin or that sin. I tell God about the goods and bads. But I never think about telling my sins or the goods and bads who God is.
Say I have a problem with lying, I could ask God to forgive me for lying, but what would that do, I confessed, but did I tell my lies that God is a righteous God and does not accept lying because He is so holy? Sounds kind of dumb, but who should be our biggest accountability? Ourselves. At least, for all i know, I am the harshest on myself. But how about you?
Anyway, I encourage you to tell your problems who your God is. God is bigger than our everyday problems, He is bigger than our decisions. I'm not saying that what you are going through is nothing, God uses those things that you do and those things that come, to form you, mold you, I encourage you to take it. If you are not growing then you are dying.
Don't put God in a box, put your problems in a box. I'm outs



So I'm not the biggest fan of traditional music. Give me some rock, a great drummer and a great guitarist and I'll be happy. Well when I had started college, I had the chance to find a friend, Ivan, from back home, Miami. Well he invited me to go to chapel with him and I was like sure, but he went to Thursday chapel, traditional church style. After that chapel, I was somewhat upset, I didn't like the music. Ivan and I talked about it after chapel. He told me that it is more on God's glorification rather than our love for God. Traditional music seeks to glorify God and not just write a song where one can put their girlfriend's name in the song instead of God's. I contemplated upon this, but i kind of let it go. I like my rock, fast-paced music.
Well my second semester the band was with new faces and new music. The "worship leader," if one can call it that, kept playing contemporary hymns. Usually slow and more guitar. I was kind of upset at this new change. But whatever, I usually can move on. But as time progressed, my anger grew. Late in the semester, I was finally asked to write an argument paper for my Composition class. I wrote on church entertainment. Well during the process of writing the paper, I went to the school pastor to ask him a few questions. As I listened to his thoughts on church entertainment, he discussed the topic of music and how its been for entertainment than really the glorification of God. I contemplated on his thought and moved on to listen to what more he had to say about the topic of church entertainment. Well after I had the interview, I kept thinking about what he said.
Ivan was/is correct. I still can't really get into the really traditional music with the old hymns and stuff, but I am totally more into the contemporary hymns today. It's not about me feeling good after singing, but worshiping God, usually the feeling good does come, but we should still glorify God even when we don't want to. I'm not saying there aren't contemporary music that glorifies God, but its rare.
What do you think? I'm outs


It was over

It is empty and
I can not fill it.

Where is it?
I am thirsty,
fill this cup please.

Two cups,
one will kill me and
the other will satisfy me.

How do I choose?
They both look delicious.


Does God cause people to die, caused by tsunamis, cyclones, hurricanes, aids, diseases, and the list goes on? Is God being judgmental? Does He want to wipe out those who do not believe in Him?

I think it is quite a touchy subject, but let me question this, who are we to know God’s mind? I’m not saying God caused or does not stop disasters from happening, but people do die.

Does not the world groan anyway too? When man sinned didn’t the whole world have to suffer? Maybe the earth is just groaning and trying to release itself from the sin.

So all I have to say is, before you question God and his mightiness, do you attempt to help those in need?
James 1:27 “Religion that God our father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted from the world.”

So are you helping those in need?

I’m too busy. I don’t have enough money. I’m just one person, how much could I do? They’ll die eventually.
These are just some excuses that are the common ones, there are probably some more, but I don’t know them.

I think one can trust me with this, if you want to help people there are a bunch of organizations that you can volunteer, or if you don’t have time, you can donate. And there is an old Chinese saying that a thousand mile journey starts with the first step. So every one person does count. And they will die one day, but it doesn’t mean they should die in disaster when all seems lost, you can be a light in a dark world.

So to go back to the first question, why does God let things happen? Well God has plans that are bigger than you and me, they are bigger than disasters, and they are bigger than this world.
“People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.”

So don't question God, He has bigger plans than our mind can handle. I'm outs


Prominent and Preeminent

A few weeks ago, maybe even 2 months ago, I sat down t at chapel in school and waited for another boring sermon. I remember seeing Jesse on the other side of chapel and seeing a cute baseball guy sitting behind him. I remember texting Jesse and asking about him. But of course Jesse being the big brother said he’s not good for you. I asked him about other baseball guys and he said their either dumb or not a Christian, so I let it pass. Well once music ended and the sermon started Pastor Bernie gave us the passage to go to, which I don’t recall at the moment, and started speaking. He started talking about how sometimes people tell us that God should be number one, kind of like a list. I didn’t think that was bad, I was like yeah God is number one and then having one of those number one fingers. But then he said that is wrong, I was like whoa, whoa, whoa, what did he just say? Did he just say God being number one is wrong? Well he continued on and said God shouldn’t just be number one like a list, but number one in our friends and our family, relationships, school, work, and the list goes on. I’ve heard of having a Christ-centered relationship but I guess I never knew what that meant until that day. Pastor Bernie went on to say that God shouldn’t be prominent, God should be preeminent. I used to just tell God about my day and pray for people, but I never made it a point to include God in my day, include God in my relationships. I would just tell God about it. So to go back to the beginning of this story, I didn't include God in my way of "mating" I kept God in the box. I didn't want to wait for God to bring me someone, I didn't want to include God. But once I heard Bernie speak, I understood that God was talking to me. I understood God was knocking in my head telling me, have patience, I have it all planned.

So I want to challenge you. Is God just prominent or is He Preeminent?

Are you including God in your everyday activities or are you keeping Him in a box where you open a hole and tell Him what happened?

Ask yourself and just don’t make it a thing where you’re just thinking about it, I encourage you to actually make it a part of your lifestyle.

Anyway, I’m outs.


My theory, my proposition

As Darwin and Freud had the chance to express their intellectual knowledge to the world I would also like to express my own as well. As I observe people and as I observe history, nothing changes unless some radical chooses to express his thoughts to the world. People are usually very serene with where they are at, which comes to my proposition, people are imitators of society. Yes applaud me, I have come up with the answer to the one question every one has been asking, "what is the meaning to life?"
Some of you might be angry at this thought. "No I am not imitating society, I do what i like." Yes even I have said the same thing, but is not our mind just a reflection of what society has shown us. To give an example I will give the famous Darwin the stage. He has proposed the idea of evolution. Well as we look back into history, back into the society he was brought in, anyone can see that society had its circles. The poor were looked down upon, as the rich were given respect. The strong survive. The environment rejected the poor, who cares about them anyway? God had some divine plan, oh wait there is no God, according to Nietche, God is dead. We were brought up by some intervention, we evolved to live according to our environment, but wouldn't that mean that the rest of the animals should be dead?
To show some light to my theory, people are just reflecting society. In the bible it says to not be part of the world, but live in it. The radicals I talked about saw something wrong with society. Darwin, Freud, Nietche, are not the radicals that i am speaking of, they reflect what was occurring in society, but the radicals are Thomas Aquinas, John Wycliffe, Martin Luther, Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Teresa, and the list goes on. They saw something that wasn't right and did something about it, though opposition came and persecution were thrust upon most of these individuals they persevered.
So for those who believe in Darwinism, Freudian theory, in Nietche, those who believe in anything with -ism in it look at the society and time period they were in, does it reflect society or is it radical? And just to show you I'm not a hypocrite I look at the society of the people in the bible, and just to tell you, they were pretty radical themselves, going against what the scribes, pharisees, and high church positions said was a big no no. People were jailed, chained, stoned, cut in half, were cast off from society. So I looked into the history of Christianity and not Christianity why don't you do the same?
Yes I know that Darwin was looked down upon for his thoughts and I know some people probably looked down upon Freud and Nietche, but it goes to show you, society rejects itself at times. It makes them look at their own lives and make them hate themselves, which quiet frankly angers people. Or people just might be ignorant and goes along with what everyone else says.
Thank you for your time, I hope I have enlightened you with my theory. I'm outs


Youth group

So I finally went to Youth group at my church at MBC tonight. I think I haven't been there since last summer, how i miss it. Well a lot of new things, NEW FACES, and I hate to say it, but I think I've outgrown it! Like it would be cool if people actually knew what they were singing and listening to, but no, some of the middle schoolers are just in lala land, even high schoolers. I think they get so hyped up at the whole ska dancing, loud music, and craziness that they don't see the real picture. Maybe I might be wrong, i did come at a time where P. Dave was having his going away party from the youth, but it seems like they were missing the big picture on why they were at church, its to praise God. P. Dave is the cooliest, but God is so much cooler. And if P. Dave read my blogs he would totally agree. P. Dave's last words to the youth group was about Jesus, that is one thing I so admire about P. Dave, he doesn't mean to be humble, God is just so great and awesome we can't do anything but be humble and submit to his awesomeness.
Like I was in the shoes of the middle schoolers once. I was so immature! Like I should be patient, I even prayed to God to give me patience while I was there, i just can't seem to try and go back to where i once was young and naive. I still am somewhat naive, but at least i know it. I don't know, I should at least praise God for the fact that they are at church and not trying to be cool and going to parties. God will mold them, He did it to me. I guess all i can do is pray for the youth and for those who go to MBC, i ask for you guys to pray for them too. Anyway, I'm hungry so I'm outs.


Slow down and look around

When I was in my early teens, even pre-teens, I was always the oddball. In high school I was the Jesus freak. I got kind of tired of it, I wanted to be accepted, I wanted to belong. I don't know how many times I have spoken about this, but I don't think I can overemphasize how depressed I was and how blind I was to God's glory. To God's awesomeness. I thought, did, said the most stupidest things. I thought I was on the top of my game, I thought I was perfect and I thought that I was better than others. But the truth of it all was that I partied, I drank, I rebelled, I lied. The summer before I came to PBA, I was scared, I wanted to stay in Miami, I wanted to stay in my comfort zone, I am so glad God directed my paths to PBA. I'm not saying that PBA is the best. God just used PBA to get to me, to wake me up. I'm not perfect. Like Paul, I've been able to see more of God's holiness, righteousness, goodness, and I can't help but to thank God for His grace. My flesh brought me down, but the Spirit has lifted me up. The more I see God, the more I see my sin, the more I see how ugly i am.
This past week I have had the pleasure of sleeping over my friend's dorms on the South side, I open the door and I see the intercostal. It is so beautiful, see the waves, feel the breeze, watch the sun set. Though finals has been so hectic, I am so glad to be reminded that God is so much bigger than the exams I am taking, bigger than my lack of sleep.
I just want to encourage everyone as summer comes up to have patience. I guess act like a turtle. Take things slow and look around. Watch the clouds, hear the laughter, smell the ocean, hold someone's hand in need, have some good ice cream. Take it all in and thank God for another day. So I leave off with some lyrics.

"You walk on waves
You run with clouds
You paint the sky for me to see

Your Majesty
Your Majesty
Is why i sing"

I'm outs


Psalm 13

Psalm 13
"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me."

You know how when you read something it doesn't click, but then when someone explains it to you your like "oh man, thats awesome." Well thats what happened to me with this chapter.
King David feels all alone. I don't feel like that at the moment, but as I look back to my past, I wish someone had turned this page to me. When I was 16 I was feeling so depressed, everyone saw it. I stopped going to church and I just felt so alone. I tried filling my soul with friends, parties, drinking, music, nothing was filling me up.
Right now I just feel so much joy in my heart. Nothing really can bring me down. If you guys know me well enough, you know the circumstances that are occurring at home, I really shouldn't feel this good, I shouldn't feel so optimistic. But God is SO GOOD! I see his holiness, his grace, his righteousness. God is everything, without Him I am nothing. Compared to eternity my life is just a gust of wind, a sun shower, a milli-second.
Lately people have been telling me how optimistic I am, if only people knew, if only people saw my heart, if only people understood. God is so good. He is so great.
I'm not saying I'm not struggling, I totally am. I'm not saying I don't understand what other people are going through, I've probably gone through it or going through it. But like David says "I trust in Your unfailing love." It will never pass, cease, stop. It lasts forever!
I've been trying to attempt to explain to people how wonderful I feel and how everyone could feel this way, but I think God has brought me to this place for a reason. I kind of wish I knew why I do feel this way. Well, I guess the point of this blog was to encourage people to look past all the crap that is happening, to look past the present, focus on God, joy will fill your life. Anyway, read this psalm in your spare time and I guess understand what David is attempting to say. He is filled with sorrow, but then he remembers, so just remember.
I'm outs.


Global warming?

“As long as the earth endures,
seedtime and harvest,
cold and heat,
summer and winter,
day and night
will never cease.”
Genesis 8:22

There goes Global warming out the back door!!!


Church entertainment

So I had an interview today with my College Pastor, it was for a paper that I am writing for my English class. Well the topic is Church Entertainment. Everything that he told me I pretty much already knew, but he gave me more details and described it better than I could.
Well I've been struggling with this idea for some time and I finally get the chance to uncover my thoughts to the world, well maybe not, but it'll bring me some satisfaction to be able to write this down. So to my point.
"our culture has been entertained to death." So we know what is entertaining and what is not. And churches lately have been trying to compete for the youth's attention. There is no problem with entertainment, I enjoy it, who doesn't enjoy it? But when churches become so enthralled on the way the message should be presented, then it becomes a matter of having everything right instead of paying attention to what is really right, the Bible.
Some people hate on Calvary Chapel in Fort Lauderdale because it is so big and there is probably no way to have a real church community, but though it is big and difficult to have a real community, the whole atmosphere of the church is quite invigorating. Instead of making sure that everything is right, they make sure that whatever they are doing is for God's Glory and you wouldn't give God crap, you would give Him your best.
The message that Pastor Bob Coy gives comes straight from the Bible, he has some creative ways of giving us examples, but its not "let me give you one verse and explain to you what it means to me." NO!! it should not be like that. I don't want to give Pastor Bob all the credit, God is working wonders through him, so I give God all the credit, but Bob has gone verse by verse in explaining what the Bible is trying to show us. he doesn't preach a sermon on lust, or dating, or drugs, he might use them as examples, but he doesn't preach on them. Pastor Bob has been showing God's holiness and how we're not.
In the bible, people are not preached to because of their sin, but because of God's glory and grace the people see their own sin. The apostle Paul even explains that the more he knows about God's goodness and holiness, the more he sees the sin within himself. In Isaiah 6, Isaiah sees God and he can not even explain God's amazinness, but one thing he says is "“Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.”"
Isaiah understood just by looking and understanding God's glory that he is disgusting, he understood his sin.
I see people leaving churches because they don't want to be entertained anymore, they want to be fed. The message has also become too warm and fuzzy, it's not challenging anymore. Some churches might be afraid that if they give people too much to handle they won't come anymore, but when did Jesus try to make it warm and fuzzy?
Another point I want to give out is about Jesus. How many people do you think would go to his church? He only had 12 apostles and one even betrayed him. Not until did they understand what he was explaining did it make sense to them all. He gave many illustrations and stories so the people could understand, but it was not different from the truth.
So 4 things that the church should be is:
1. God glorifying
2. Christ centered
3. Preaching is bible saturated
4. and Life transforming.
Without these for main things, the church is basically dead, it's not moving anywhere. Its a bunch of friends getting together and hanging out. We have to be more like Christ, as idealized as it might be, we need something to look up to. And so I finish off with something that Pope John Paul II said,
“It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provokes you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your hearts your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle. It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be grounded down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.”
I'm outs


short poem

So I got kind of bored at breakfast yesterday at school, so I wrote a very short poem, I hope you guys enjoy.

The crowds surround me,
the voices overpower,
but through the mist of it all
I hear Your Voice.



"'Everything is permissible'- but not everything is beneficial." When Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins, he not only took the burden of dying for each and every one of our sins, for those who believe, but took away the power of sin.
I think its so funny sometimes when kids say what sin is, they say "its when I do something bad." I laugh because I used to say that, but that is not what it means. Sin does have something to do with doing something bad, but not quite. Sin means "to miss the mark." And what mark would that be? God's.
I sometimes feel discouraged because I don't like not meeting expectations and thats what happened. But through Jesus' death sin has no more power over us. I'm not saying that we should keep sinning because sin has no more power to put us in the grave, but do what is for God's glory, that might mean that you shouldn't drink, but it doesn't mean you can't, it just has to do with what the Holy Spirit is moving in you.


Schindler's List

A very long movie, I've got to say. People have cried and this movie has changed people. With me, I'm an observer of history, I wanted to cry, but I didn't, it has made me think, but it has not changed me. If you have not watched this movie, you should. It brings you a whole different view of the Holocaust, but not of WWII. I have yet to see a movie where someone portrays the life of a Jew that lived through the Holocaust and died in the middle of it. I'm not one to like to see people die, but I have yet to see one. There's the Pianist where you see the life of a Jew that is in hiding; then there's Anne Frank, but she was in hiding, not actually being put to work; and you have Schindler's list, the life of a factory worker and business owner. These are all very noble movies, but it is shielding us from death, an unjustifiable death of the Holocaust.
Another point I wanted to make, a more sympathetic view, by the end of the movie Schindler has to go on the run, the war is over and he is now a criminal, I won't say why for those who have not watched the movie, but what he says is heart wrenching. He says I have wasted so much money. He points to the car and said he could have sold it and save 10 more Jews, he takes off his pin and says he could have saved one more Jew if he sold it. He starts bawling because he could have saved more lives, but didn't. If you incorporate this with the Christian life, how are we helping to save one more for Christ. He already helped save many, but he was thinking about that one more person. ONE MORE PERSON!!!
What is stopping us? What is hindering us from help saving one more person?



Up and down
Right to left,
the world has no bounds,
there is no finite.
Creation, Greeks, Romans,
Painting, music, and war
the beginnings of no boundaries.
Death, loss, and destruction
It is not the end,
but a new beginning.

Tis a sin to keep
your thoughts to yourself,
you keep the world in the dark,
you have sinned against the world.

By Stephanie Sousa


Pencil vs. Pen

Random topic, I know, but wait one second before you decide to not read this.
I love to use pencils, I can erase what i wrote and fix mistakes without a scribble on the paper. Pens are so permanent and if you make a mistake the whole world can see it.
But as I go into depth about this I wonder about all the mistakes I have done in life, sometimes I wish I could erase it and no one will see the mistake. It was never there. But we all know that this can't happen.
God can forgive sins, but it doesn't mean that we didn't commit those sins. All we can do is move on. We scribble that section away, but as Christians we try not to make the same mistake twice. I know that I hate scribbles on my paper. But I know that I make mistakes, it just kind of happens...
I guess what I'm trying to get at is that we all make mistakes, the world will see it, but we have a choice, we can leave the mistake there and move on letting people see us as fools or scribble it, fix it, and move on being seen as wise. I'm not saying that those who leave the mistake are fools, they might not see it, I guess thats why there is always editors.
This might be quite confusing, but think about writers. They write a book, but it doesn't mean it goes to publishing right away, it first goes to the editors to check for errors. No one is perfect, except for the only one who never had to be edited, Jesus Christ. I hope you guys are having a happy Holy week. God Bless you all. I'm out.



I thought I was over divorce. I thought I was used to it, but I'm not. My Father and step-mother are divorcing and I didn't know how much it hurts. I can still go on with my life like nothing is happening, but I think it'll hit hard when the papers are signed and it becomes official. Their fighting is unbearable and I can't stay in the same room when their both together. I feel all the tension. And then I can't help to think about my brother, he's only a year old. My dad is moving to Brazil, my step mom is staying in Florida and my brother will be stuck in the middle. I wish I could explain this dread I have upon my heart, but it wouldn't help the situation.

Books and papers,
work and school
feelings and reason;
This does not mean anything.
Me and you,
here and right now,
tomorrow and forever;
does this not mean anything?
Postcards and letters,
closeness and space,
love and sex;
That happened, did it not?
Arguments and discussion
Compare and Contrast,
strengths and weaknesses;
We are still one.

by Steph Sousa


God sees worth in me and you!

I sometimes wished I were more focused. Then I would remember that by God's grace, He loves me. Today in chapel was one of those times where I just bowed by head like the tax collector that Jesus uses in a parable where he was outside the temple and asking God to forgive a tax collector like him. I lie, I'm selfish, I'm prideful, I do things that God only knows, but through all that God sees worth in me. Whenever I remember and focus on the fact that God is so great, I feel humble and just drop my head because He deserves all the glory not me.
About two weeks ago I went to TNL and the lyrics to the music just spoke to me. I just sat down, put my head down, and raised my hands to praise him and I cried my eyes out. God is so good and so great and I just forget. I think we all forget sometimes. I think thats why the early church prospered, they were always together encouraging, reminding each other of God's grace and love. I think we should go back to that. But I don't mean keep other people out because the early church also prospered because they went to the Gentiles and the Jewish nonbelievers. I think we should keep a tight unit but remind ourselves that God has room in his arms for everyone and we shouldn't stop telling the world. Like Calvary Chapel in Ft. Lauderdale slogan goes, "Until the Whole World Hears."
We are saved by God's grace and we should boast in Him alone.
Stay focused on the prize.


Answer: Why Does God love us?

I wrote a blog, "Why does God love us?" Well I think I finally figured out the answer. I was just working and I asked the question to myself why do I love people? No one does anything for me, like some people do, but I love my sister and she doesn't do crap for me, so why do i love her? I guess I just do. She's my sister. If I have a kid, no matter what they do, I'll still love them. So my best answer on why God love us? is the fact that He just does. We are his creation, his children.
With the idea of Him giving up His own life for a way to come back to him, I think is beautiful. It's a Father giving up His life so that His children can have a better life. It's our choice to not have his death in vain by giving up ourselves to His will or we forget His death and live our own lives, for the worse.
So what I do is put away all pride because I am worthless (not in a bad sense) but God has seen worth in me.

I recommend everyone, even nonchristians, to read "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis, he puts Christianity in words that makes a lot more sense rather than complication.


RA to Night of Prayer

Well I am not an RA, kind of a bummer, but I kind of figured that I wouldn't get it because I haven't lived on campus and that's fine, I'll just try next year. But I am now helping with Welcome week, I am so excited. This will be a great experience.
Anyway, the other day at work, the assistant manager at my job asked me what my major was and I told him History. He asked what I was going to do with it, and I told him nothing, he laughed and I just kept serious and he asked "then why are you in college?" I told him I loved history, but I plan to be a missionary. I'll be going to seminary school after I get my bachelor's degree and then from there go where God wants me to go.
My boss does not believe in Christ and he tells me this story about this dude on his campus who just keeps telling him that he's going to hell and so on and so forth. My boss said that that dude is the reason why he doesn't want to become a Christian, he doesn't want to condemn people. I asked him, how about me? And he's like your not the reason, which goes to show that I try to convert with love and patience while the other dude isn't even trying to show the love of Jesus, he is just condemning. John 3:17 says, "For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him."
Anyway, I hope you guys have a wonderful weekend, if you guys need any prayer comment or call me, Night of Prayer is tomorrow night at my school and I plan to be there most of the night, s share so i could pray for you. Anyway I'm out.


RA interview

So I applied to be an RA, and I had the interview this past weekend. I wasn't all that nervous until the morning of the single interview. The group interview was quite relaxing, but kind of annoying. I liked working in a group, but at the end when we had to answer questions, everyone else just spit out what they wanted to say. I used to do that and I didn't see how annoying that could be. I actually like taking the time and thinking about the question and give an in depth thought now. The last activity I did with my group, I didn't get to get a word in until the end. Everyone spoke what they needed to say, but I got to go in deeper at the end, which was quite good.
The single interview was totally nerve wrecking. The night before the interview I went out, bad idea, and hung out with friends, we went to the beach, coffee house and hung out in Julie's room. So I basically went to sleep at 2am to wake up at 9am, but Julie woke up early for workship at 7am and I woke up. I ate breakfast and then headed to my interview. My heart was beating so fast. I am so glad that my first interview was with Susie and Andrew, they made me feel more relaxed and were very patient with me. The second interview I got through, since my first interview went so great I was just relaxed and my nerves were gone. I think it was a pretty good interiew.
Right now I want the results, am I going to be an RA or not? If I get it, then that would be great, but if I don't then thats okay too. It is all in God's plan. I got the chance to practice at controlling my feelings for being rejected. This past year I've been rejected from schools, trips, even people, and I have just gotten over it. I am not going to be accepted by everyone, and I have now understood that God has a plan. Proverbs 21:30 says, "There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the LORD." Amen for that.


I am in awe

There are times like today where I am just in awe of God. In my last blog I wrote about how could God love us. He is just so awesome, He chose us out of anything else in this world, what an amazing God. I still don't comprehend why God loves us so much, but I am so grateful.

Why Does God love us?

Lately I've been questioning why on earth would there be a God who loves me and dies for me. There must be some ulterior motives. I must have to do something. Why would God want to love humans, why not dogs, angels, ants?? I just don't get it, why does God love me? I haven't done anything to deserve it, I haven't done anything good to be loved by God. So why does God love me?? Why? Why do I get to have someone die for me when I haven't done anything for him? Why did he choose me, why did he choose us?
I don't question this, but others might... does God exist? Is Christianity really true?
I know God exists because I see nature and I can't believe that evolution created it. I know there has to be something greater than anything of this world to create this whole universe.
Is Christianity really true? Well for Christianity to be true someone had to die. History proves that Jesus was a real person, and like C.S. Lewis says, "Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse." You can't say that he was a great moral teacher because if he was that means what he said is true and that He is the Son of God.
But what I don't understand about Christianity and Judiasm is why would God tolerate us for so long? Why did He give us a chance? Why does He love us? He doesn't need us whatsoever. Why?
I am glad that by Grace I am saved because nothing I do will save me, but, again, why me? why us?



In the book Mere Christianity, Lewis famously criticized the idea that Jesus was merely a human being, albeit a great moral teacher:

"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept his claim to be God. That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronising nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to."

I felt the need to put this out there because I thought that this brought a fine line of believing or not believing.


Love the LORD

Chapel today was interesting. Like Music kind of was on the bad side, but no biggie. The thing that really got me was one thing the speaker for today talked about, he was praying and he said, "let us not see You as something interesting, but as someone we love." I never heard someone say that. I think that's my downfall. I get so caught up with history or the miraculous things Jesus and the disciples did, that I forget what Jesus did for me out of love and how I shouldn't just gawk at the stuff they have done, but actually love God with everything that I have.
It's not an old concept, but it’s something I guess I didn't realize until today. Love the Lord with all your life, and that doesn't mean to just be in awe of everything He has done, but actually love him and make our lives a living sacrifice.
So love the LORD with everything you have.


Social worker? How about missionary...

Okay, so this was the first one that took my interest, but I chose another one first because the colors were just so pretty, I clicked it and it told me I should be an artist. It said I love breaking the rules, and I hate anything that keeps me within the box. But this one totally fits me better. Anyway, try out the quiz.

You Should Be a Social Worker

You are deeply caring and empathetic.
You are able to take on other people's problems as if they were your own.
Sensitive and intuitive, you understand human emotions well.
Helping others gives you the most joy in life. You feel like it's your purpose in life.

You do best when you:

- Have a lot of responsibility
- Greatly impact someone's life with your work

You would also be a good philanthropist or stay at home parent.


Leave the country

Can't you hear the people
Screaming, crying,
to leave the land
that we see no more vision.
You are our leader
selected to represent the majority
but you still do not listen
to reason.
Leave, nothing is working
and more are dying to
a plan they do not understand
and do not want to
implement. Leave!


The Five love languages

I took this quiz because I wanted to know what my love language is and I totally have the same results as Lauren, we brazilians are all alike, haha.

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch: 12
Quality Time: 9
Acts of Service: 4
Words of Affirmation: 4
Receiving Gifts: 1


Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz


I know I'm not alone on the subject when I say I struggle because I know everyone has their own struggles. I don't know what else to say. I'm struggling right now.
"The heart has reason that reason does not know." My heart knows things, I guess because the Holy Spirit lives within me, within my heart, but I don't understand why my heart is joyful when all i see is the world. I see myself being laughed at, I see couples making googly eyes (being unequally yoked), I see people doing drugs or drinking, and at times I just want to give up and join (of course not the part of being laughed at, but laughing at others.) I don't do it because I know where that will end up, wanting more and never feeling satisfied, but I still want to feel like I'm a part of something. Then I always remember that I am hated because Jesus was hated on first. I will forever be laughed at because of my faith in Jesus, if I give in I'll be a hypocrite because I believe in one thing, but do another. I'm not perfect, not even close, I don't even think I'm perfect. I fail. Without Christ nothing holds together, without God I fail.
I believe in Jesus because I know I fail and I need someone that will lift me up from the valleys. I think being labeled a Christian shouldn't give the idea to non believers that I am or think that I am perfect. Christianity itself tells you to pick up your cross, or in other words die, daily. I don't mean physically, but I mean in a sense to give up who you are, stop any control of your life and give it to Christ because, again, we fail without him, we are nothing without him. We are labeled nothing without him.
Yet I can't pick up my cross and follow him daily. I'm in a struggle within myself to choose from flesh v. rightiousness. It's not that I don't know right from wrong, its just that the wrong seems delicious at times, but it is only decieving me.
I struggle, I'm not perfect, I'm in need of a hand, so I call on Christ.



Okay, so i looked more into the pro-choice and I was wrong, it onyl has to do with abortion issues and women rights. Well I read more about pro-choice and I fell upon a site that really helped me understand about abortion. Here's the site, you could also go to wikipedia or other sites, but these helped me understand more about abortion.
Some people are thinking why am I so obsessed about this now? Well I used to be the Children's music director at my church. I loved dancing with the kids and it helped bring kids out of there shell, being shy. It hurt me to leave my church because of school, but I had to move on. I love kids! Sit down with one kid for about an hour and you'll be a kid again. They are so innocent and they show their emotions, unlike adults and teenagers do today.
Everyone is unique and I can't help think about every child that has been aborted. There are other ways, you just need to be informed!


Sinful lifestyle and faith

God has just shown me how great His wisdom is and how foolish I am.
I wrote about gay rights and about abortion in my last blog, but I forgot to include in my understanding, God's Word. It says somewhere in the Bible, I don't remember where at the moment, that we should not accept the sinful lifestyle of others. What an idiot I can be. So here is my stake in the ground, Marriage is between a man and a woman, no man with a man and no woman with a woman. So there. And with abortion, that's killing a human being, they will one day breath life, so how can anyone say that it is not a living creature. I still believe in pro choice because there is a lot more things attached to that like religion, but I don't believe that abortion is a part of that pro choice because it is murder. I do not condemn you, those who have abortion, if you need help or if your afraid that your boyfriend or father may kill you because of the baby, don't be afraid to ask for help, you always have a choice, but abortion shouldn't be a choice.
Another thing that I wanted to address was my faith. I've been reading lately the book of Acts, trying to get the feel of the early church and what was happening, being a history major and all. Well I kept on reading how apostles like Peter, Paul, Barnabas, and so on just kept preaching in synagogues and in the streets. In my head I'm like "yeah I want to do that, I want to bring people to Christ." Well I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to get up and preach on the train going home. I couldn't get myself up to do it. I was scared about what might happen, they'd probably laugh at me or throw insults at me. I felt so ashamed that i couldn't do it. I felt that God was telling me "Oh you of little faith, why are you so afraid(Matthew 8:26)?" I felt like I was being rebuked. The thing is I do have little faith. I don't leave my life in God's hands, I'm scared.
How will I ever be a missionary? God, I don't know what to do. I've lived this imaginary life for about four years and now reality has hit me. I am so foolish, I want to be called Sophia, but I am not worthy of the name. I want to be wise, not only knowing, but doing. I do not want to be of little faith. God I'm sorry I failed.
I'm sorry.