7/06/2008

Scars of a frigntened teenager

What makes me angry is the fact that some people think they can just run away from their problems and not face them. Be it whatever it is. Marriages failing because there isn't any communication or trust or too tired or whatever it may be. My parents got a divorce because my dad couldn't freaking handle my mom anymore. My dad and step mom are getting divorced because she stopped communicating with my dad. Divorces left and right. And then people wonder why young adults and teens are more likely to have sex rather than get married. Its scary to think that you share this life with one person and then they up and leave you. What bothers me is I try to figure out what is going on through the head of the person leaving. I can't understand why one would do that, unless of course their beating you up. I think its just selfish. Because not only does the spouse get screwed over but the kids too and little cousins, nieces, nephews, little brothers and sisters.
I get scared. I'm deathly afraid of marriage or getting too close. With my boyfriend, I can't help but still wonder. He knows that and he tries to help me, but its a scar thats deep and stays. I think that is why I get so attached with people, try to be there for people. My sister too, though we hate on each other lots of times. When someone becomes my friend I try to be there for that person because I hope that they will be there for me too. Kind of like a family, but I'm not comparing it to my blood family, but to a bonding family that sticks closer than blood. A David and Jonathon kind of family.
This is love. No not a love that you feel, but a love that stays even when you don't feel it. What is that kind of love? Enduring, Everlasting, Never Failing. Only through Christ can one understand that kind of love. I've been in a pile of crap because of my sin and its been hard to listen to what people have to say and its been hard for God to move through me. I have this thing that makes me detached from life. I don't want to be apart, but a part of people's lives. So whenever I feel I'm going to fail, I have someone to catch me. And though I have this scar I know not to make the same mistakes. And though I make mistakes I have a God that will always carry me through. I'm outs.

2 comments:

DaniG said...

I understand where your coming from completly and I just want to remind you that I will always be here if you ever need just a listening heart or a "get your life together" mouth. No matter what homie thick or thin I'll be here to point you towards the one that can satisfy you the most, Jesus. I want you to know as well that just as much as you need me i need you! "we need each other" by Sanctus real ;) to encourage, rebuke, and love one another :)

Dawn said...

Hey.

Just wanted to say, I know very well what that is like. Here is something that may help: ask your parents to explain, in detail, their own sides of the story. I didn't do that for a long time but now that I know my dad's point of view on my parents' divorce, I've been able to let go of what happened.

I had a psychologist once, and she reminded me that my dad had no duty to live up to my expectations - he was his own person and within his right to make mistakes. And people do. Sometimes it's a mistake for them to get married in the first place! Try to picture it like that, rather than being angry and hurt. It's understandable to be, I was for ten years after my folks broke up, but you don't have to be, there will come a point where it is a choice.

I kind of agree with what you were saying about how the divorce rate makes marriage look a lot less worthwhile. It doesn't guarantee anything any more, does it? :(