Blog I've posted


Do Something

I love the fact that I'm on break, I don't have to worry about projects or readings that I need to do for school. But I'm so bored...again! (Read 08/01/07 "Slump to Serve") I'm tired of sitting on the sofa and being a couch potato. I need to read or play soccer or do something. I know God doesn't want me doing nothing, that's why I refer back to one of my old posts.
So the moral of this blog is do what you preach. I need to get back on track and maybe... so do you.
James 1:25 "But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a DOER who acts, he will be blessed in his doing."
So go and be blessed.


Passion: do you need it for work?

Being a college student, a lot of things go through my mind. One thing that's been on my mind lately is majors. I understand that my major is History, I need to know and remember a lot of things, but does a degree set my future?
There's a lot of competition in the field lately, and I wonder if my degree is good enough to compete with other historians going into the field. Not that I'm going to be a historian, but it is my back up.
Anyway, beside the point, I don't think a degree is all that makes you qualified, you need the degree, you need recommendation, you need an internship, and most importantly you need passion. Passion I give the biggest emphasis because without it, you won't do the best job, you'll do only what your qualified to do, not more.
I want to be a missionary and I can't help think of doing anything else because I am passionate about it. I want to learn more about the bible and I especially want to share it with those who have questions, and share it with just everyone. I can't see myself doing anything else.
So how about you? Are you doing what your passionate about, taking that extra mile or are you just going through it? Do what God gifted you with, I can't imagine a world where there was no passion.

Where is your passion?


The nobodies

God uses the nobodies because the somebodies already have a set road.
How can you create a pot out of clay that is already used as a pot? The clay must be nothing to be created into something, so that the creator can use it. God wants to do the same to us.
John Macarthur wrote, "God chooses the humble, the lowly, the meek, and the weak so that there's never any question about the source of power when their lives change the world." God can do anything through us if we just surrender. We need to see us as not important compared to God.
Like John the Baptist said, John 3:30, "He must become greater; I must become less." He must be exalted in everything while we give Him the glory, no glory for us.
As some of you know I work at Einstien bros. bagels, well I received a Christmas card from one of my managers, it said "Stephanie, to the Best Bagel Puller in the Business!" Just before I read the card I was angry that my other boss didn't train me at making sandwiches. Everyone else has had the chance except me. Once I read the card I realized that I help a whole bunch doing what I'm doing. I help the sandwich maker and the customers, I'm a servant to all and not just the people paying, but the people I work with.
Therefore, we should help everyone, even those who will never pay us back. And humble yourselves, it might be difficult, I know, but how can God use us if we're already something.
God can create something huge out of nothing.


Knowledge = narrow, part 2

How does knowledge make you more narrow minded?
If you didn't know anything about history, then you would have a broad mind about the past. You would be able to imagine the past in any way that you saw fit. But if you knew history, then you'll comprehend why things are the way they are and so your mind becomes more narrow. You could still have a big imgination about the past, but you'll know the past and when you have to educate someone about the past it will be the truth, one path.
If you didn't know about what clothes are in or what matches then you'd wear basically whatever you want, but because we live in a society that knows what is in and what matches then we have a more narrow line of clothing, don't we? We can choose to not go with the trend, but it just wouldn't make sense to. We don't wear robes, we wear shirts and pants.
So apply this to important stuff, I just gave examples so you guys could understand what I meant in my last post.


Knowledge = narrow

The more you know, the more narrow your mind becomes.

Think about it.

I'll write more about this later.



I am some things, I can be many things, I desire to be many things, I will be many things. How do we remember what God wants us to be, what he gave us, what he desires for us? I'm as forgetful as a fish sometimes, and I lose focus, and then instead of staying straight on the path, I swerve right and I swerve left. A friend of mine Carmen showed me a good way of remembering everyday, she said to write down what you are, "I am"; write down what you could do, "I can"; write down what you desire, "I desire"; and write down what you will be, "I will". Then post it in your bathroom window.

I am Stephanie Sousa
I am passionate
I desire to focus
I can be patient
I will try harder
I am prideful
I desire honesty
I am enthusiastic
I will be responsible
I am in need of discipline
I am God's daughter
I can choose right from wrong
I desire to be whole
I desire to be a leader
I will be strong
I can decide
I am organized
I desire to live life to the fullest.

You don't have to have a full list right away, a lot of these things that I wrote down took me time to think about, I first hd a list and then I added to the list overtime. This list is still not the final draft, you can still add, or you can even change it from "I can" to "I am". My hope is for you to grow and see the growth.



What happens if the world you knew just collapsed? Everything you learned is told to be false, you have nothing else to base your life upon. What do you do? You were told 2+2=4, but now 2+2 could equal 5 or even 3, it doesn't matter. Would you conform?
Being conformed means in Greek "to conform one's self (i.e. one's mind and character) to another's pattern, (fashion one's self according to)." In the english dictionary it says "to act in accord with the prevailing standards, attitudes, practices, etc., of society or a group"

So knowing these definitions would you conform? Or would you stay, apart from "the prevailing standards, attitudes, practices, etc." of the world?
You might say that it depends on if they "prove" any different, but its not even that, they try to make you believe that 2+2 could equal anything. It sounds dumb, but is it possible to breakdown the human brain and conform it to anything you want it to be? change history as much as you want and still accept it? How much torture can you withhold before breaking down to conformity?
This might sound extreme, but think about it. How much pressure are you willing to withhold before rejecting Jesus Christ? Are you willing to go through any type of torture for the names' sake of Jesus? Don't comment on this so you could show that your willing to go through anything, just think about it. This took me awhile to come to grips with, so I don't think many people could come to grips with this in a minute unless you've thought of this question already. So think of the worst type of torture, not something that lasts for only a moment but enduring it for long periods of time.

Would you fight or would you conform?



We shouldn't be like spoiled children when we ask God for things, we should do as much as we can and God, our Father, will provide the rest. Proverbs 16:3 "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."


Your philosophy in life

I want to keep writing about philosophy.
It seems that whatever we live out is our philosophy.
Paul writes to lead a quiet life, mind your own business, and to work with your hands.
Why would he write this to the church in Thessalonica? They were imitationg God like it says in Ephesians 5:1-2. They were right on the ball. Yet he asks them to make it their ambition.
Have you ever been discouraged and then you happen to fall back into your old habits? Well this is exactly what Paul is trying to not let happen. Throughout the whole book he is just encouraging them, telling them their in his prayers, how good an example they are being to the cities around them. He wants them to keep living out their lives for Christ.
Your Philosophy of life is the way you portray how people should be or how you should be, but sometimes it gets tiring to keep that philosophy going through in your own life. Without some encouragement its gets harder and harder to live your life the way it should be.
So I encourage you to write down your philosophy, take your time on it, and then once you have that ask a friend to do the same and then just encourage each other to live it out.
I'm not saying that you should follow Paul's advice, it was written for the church of Thessalonica, but have a philosophy that is pleasing to God.


Make it your ambition.

"Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody." 1 Thes. 4:11-12

What does ambition really mean?
Well in English it means
"an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment"
in Greek it means
"to strive earnestly, make it one's aim"

Our philosophy in life should be centered around these verses. Why would Paul write this if it shouldn't?
Lead a quite life, in Proverbs is says that the words of the wise are like jewels to the ears. A synonym to ambition is study, and if you practice being wise, usually the effect of wisdom is silence.
Mind your own business is usually a tough one. I sometimes can't help but get in peoples business, and usually it brings me some downfall, first with my reputation because people might think I just want to hear the gossip or slip something that i shouldn't have said, and secondly it makes people abuse you, not in a physical way, but they just start using you without any thought to your wellbeing. It doesn't mean you shouldn't help people, just do it wisely.
Work with your hands, with the technology that we use today how do we use our hands instead of electronics? Well we shouldn't use people either. To mind your own business helps to be not be abused, but on the other hand you shouldn't use people either, people are unreliable. You could get your best friend, but you still can't solely rely on them, they are eventually going to fall.
In the 12th verse of Thes. it says that "so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody." It really sums up the verse before. Lead a quite life, mind your own business, and work with your hands. If you want to be respected you should follow this, and if you want to be independent follow this, but it does not mean independence from God just independence from people.

Make this your philosophy in life, and you won't go wrong.


A letter

I can't bring myself to be dependent on others... I can't bring myself to be completely dependent on You.
I desire to be cared for, but yet I desire to live my own life.
I don't accept charity when it is givin... yet you give me all that I need and want. I want it.. I want it all, but I keep myself from it.
My heart feels burdened... I want it gone, but yet i refuse to lay it on your shoulders.
My mind is in a traffic jam.. I want it to be free, yet I refuse to tell you my intimate thoughts.
My life is boring... I want adventure, yet I can't let go of my convenient life.
Change me, mold me, transform me from what I was taught as a child. I don't want to be Ms. Independent, I don't want to be alone, I don't want convenience.
Please keep your eyes from my past mistakes, my present mistakes, and my future mistakes. Love me, delight in my good, carry me, save me.
Lift this stench that i carry, I don't want it, I don't need it, it keeps me awake at night, and when I take a shower it still comes back. I don't want to take any more showers, I want to be cleaned from this stench forever more.
Psalm 27:8 "My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek."
And I won't stop looking until I find it.

Your beloved Child,


Does God need us?

Well i wrote this about a year ago and I've never shared it with anyone, so I decided to share it. Hope you guys like it. If something is incorrect just tell me and I'll edit it. For "He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding." Proverbs 15:32

So why were we created??
Really God didn't need us, right??
Duh, if He did, then we would be a complete disaster because we can't give Him anything because He gave us everything. So why were we created?
I remember when I was a kid I wanted ferby's, I wanted to be 16 to get my driver's license, I wanted to be tall enough to reach the cabinets in the kitchen where the cookies were. I know most of us wanted to do or get many things, and we still do. I know now that I want to leave my house to a college. I really don't need to leave, there's one right here, FIU. There's a lot of wants, how do we know that God just WANTED us? He really doesn't need us, but He enjoys when we praise Him, He delights when we do good deeds for Him. I enjoy many things like the movies, a concert, junk food, but I don't need them in my life, we are here for the enjoyment of God. Don't take me the wrong way, we're not just a show, God Almighty loves us. We're His children that got the solo in a band concert, or the kid that got chosen to be on the baseball team; the chess team; got an award for math, science, english, He enjoys that we reached a goal and are presenting it to Him.
Scripture says "The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing"(Zephaniah 3:17).How encouraging.
He will love us no matter what, there is no sin big enough that our Father won't forgive.
But that comes to another point in our life. Are we willing to give up everything back to God? It's difficult I know that first hand. But we have to remember that God will not give us anything that we can't handle, He will always be there every step of the way.
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2
Notice that God doesn't promise to keep you out of all trouble. He simply promises to be with you in the midst of it, even through death!
Give Christ all your troubles, lay it on Him. He died for them why shouldn't we take advantage of that?


My Sister

Well I've decided to use this blog to make people think rather than talk about me. My life is boring anyway. The last two blogs are all about making you think and I hope you guys read them and the ones to come, but before I turn in the towel about talking about myself I wanted to write one more thing and that'll be it.
As only some of you know my family has been going through some changes. The biggest thing would have to be my sister. She lives in central Florida now at a place called Teen Challenge. I thought coming to college and leaving Miami would make me releived to leave my sister, she was just a pain in my butt a lot of the time, but lately she's all i think about. I went to a concert called Wayfest this past weekend and for some reason I wanted my sister just next to me enjoying it with me. There was a speaker and I was kind of hoping she was there because he was moving in an emotional and spiritual sense. I wanted to be holding her hand like sisters would. I miss her terribly, I have no idea how much i could stress over it. I've been feeling like I've been wanting to cry, even more, hold her and cry with her. My cousin said that I'm beginning to lover her, no I've always loved her, but in a sisterly way. Now I love her in a more sisterly intimate way and an unconditional love, agape.
The thing is only about 3-4 people will read this and I will still be left stressful thinking about her. I've been going to the gym, running, trying to busy myself daily with things to do, but I can't stop thinking about her. It'll be nice if you guys pray for her, but I need someone, I need to cope somehow and talking seems the only way right now. I could tell stories about when we were little girls and teenagers and the stupid things we did together. If you would like to help me out it would be gratefully appreciated. Anyway, you guys have a wonderful, blessed week. I'm out.


Simple or Wise? You decide.

Proverbs 1:22 "How long will you simple ones love your simple ways?"

In the Hebrew language to be called simple was literally to be called foolish. I would rather be called wise because then i would be someone people looked up to, they would consider me someone that lived for example.

Usually I get really pissed off when I see a movie like Hotel Rwanda, Blood Diamond, War Lords, etc. And I chose the wrong day to watch a movie like that, they make me think too much. These movies give me too much passion for the things of God. They make me think that I could make a difference. It makes me think that God has a purpose for everyone, for my life. Don't you hate when your whole body, your heart just burns and you start to hate yourself because we live our life like we'll never die while other people in other countries are suffering everyday, dieing everyday. I sometimes feel like a hypocrite. I cry that I didn't "get it my way" or I didn't get the class or car I wanted. Or even worse I throw away food if even one fly crosses upon it. I start to hate myself when i watch people suffer on TV.

I hope that little intro made you think, I hope you feel that burning in your heart. Jesus said to pick up your cross and follow him, that means being persecuted, standing alone from the crowd, being called names, having little to no money, but the great thing about all those things is that we will not be remembered for it, we will be remembered for standing strong when everything seemed lost, it means being called God's child, it means going to Heaven.

So when you start to hate yourself that's a sign that you should be doing something for God and not for yourself. Don't be called simple because you'll never be remembered, stand strong and "Dare to be Wise" you'll be remembered.


God's glory

"Not to us, but to Your name be the glory"

How we sometimes glorify ourselves without any thought of our Creator. Just two weeks ago I volunteered to help out with a conference at school. I got to meet the singer of the band, i told him how they were doing great up there. And he said to me "It is all for God's glory." He didn't say thanks, he didn't say cool, he said for God's glory. God created us, He created us all with different gifts, without God we do not exist, without God we do not have talent nor gifts. Glorify God in all that you do, and when someone tells you great job, don't say thanks, say "All for God's glory."


I need to focus.

In my new life I've gone through many changes, some good and many bad. When I accepted Christ as my LORD and Savior, my whole life had new meaning. Then I got my first boyfriend and life seemed perfect, he wasn't a Christian, but I had Jesus, i was fine by myself or so I thought. When he broke up with me I thought life was a disaster. My Junior year in high school I joined a group of friends in band. We were considered the "cool group" just because we associated ourselves in parties and we were close friends with the guard and drummers. I went to parties, drank, and still I thought I was fine with Christ. For many of those months I didn't cry, I became what people wanted me to be, I was part of the norm. Then I couldn't handle it anymore, I was becoming depressed, if I wasn't depressed already and I went back to church. I went to the spring retreat, associated myself back with Christian friends, and stopped doing marching band. I even went on a missions trip over the summer, I became an active church member. Then my senior year I became a hypocrite, I went to church on Sundays dancing with the kids, but the night before I would be at parties again and drinking yet again. I didn't turn away completely from my past life. This past summer has been a sort of transformation. I did much crying, I then gave my controlling self to Christ yet again. I didn't want to control it anymore. Since college has started life has become more at ease, nothing uncomfortable. But lately I've become unfocused, doing stuff more out of tradition then doing it because it was important to me. I don't know why but last night while I was at service I remembered a dream I had about me singing to blue birds. The pastor had mentioned birds and it just became a flashback. He said the LORD can give us a voice as beautiful as a bird, but the LORD, in my dream, gave me a voice more beautiful than a bird. If I lose my job, get F's in all my classes, lose all my friends, get stuck in traffic, I'm going to Heaven anyway. I shouldn't let things distract me or let things out of my control wear me out, I'm going to Heaven and all this will just be a bad dream. I'm going to Heaven! I need to focus on heavenly things, I need to surround myself with good Christian influence, I need to focus on what God wants of me rather than what people want from me. God wants you to focus on the long run, not the short run of things. Watch the video I posted in my last post, hopefully it'll soften your heart about my hypocrite lifestyle. Well I'm out.


Jesus is always calling us

Lately I haven't been feeling I've been giving my all to God. It might be my selfishness, pride, loss of focus, stuff that shouldn't be in my head, I don't know what, but this video that i saw was awesome. I'm glad my friend Daniela showed it to me, it's very powerful. I know Jesus is always there, I just need to trust in him and no one else.


Lost touch

Lately I've felt uninspired.
My hand writes nonsense
While my brain is fried.

I've lost touch with
The one I love, and
All seems lost.

My heart thumps, my blood
passes through my veins,
Yet I feel no life within me.

I know Your not gone,
But I seem lost.
What to do?


Silent Day

Do you know how difficult it is to not talk for a day? Like I could stand not talking for a day, being silent day or not, but I love to communicate with people. My friends made it a joke with me for not talking, I could stand that, but then when I was in class and the professor asked a question that I knew and no one else didn't, it was frustrating. I had to write it down and the girl next to me, Lizzy, shouted the answers for me.
Also, not speaking for a whole day made me realize how much communication is important. Yeah I joke around with my friends, but when it came to something important I had to resist myself, I had to keep tape over my mouth in class, but not with my friends.
I bet by now your wondering why I did stay silent for a day. Well today is silent day, where people around the nation stand together and stay silent because of those who are being silenced everyday by abortion. It helped me realize how much they are important, how, if they lived, they would have contributed to society.
"I'm a child not a choice" was placed upon the flyer that I had to pass around. How true that statement is. They are a child, maybe not fully made in the belly of the mother, but will soon be. They are not your choice to live or die, if you choose to not care for them, I know plenty of people that are willing to adopt babies. If you had them by accident that is still no excuse. I'm a bastard child, my parents weren't even married when i was born, they got married a few months after I was born.
I'm not being prideful or anything, but I'm pretty sure I've affected every person that I've come into contact with directly and indirectly. And I know that every child that was aborted would have affected us all one way or another.
If your thinking about having an abortion, don't. I have a cousin that would do anything to have a child of her own, but she will never be able to. She'll adopt your kid, anybody that loves kids and can't have any will love to have that child. Don't do it, that is my advice. Well I'm out.


"If you love me then you will obey me"

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway."

I saw this quote awhile ago and yet I still always look back to it. It helps remind me to look toward heavenly treasure instead of earthly treasures.
Another quote that i just came across, this one from Pascal is "The heart has reason, that reason does not know." He was referring to God. He had faith for some reason that he could not comprehend through reason. And to tell you a little about him he was part of the Scientific Revolution, a mathematician and philosopher.
For some reason I am a christian even though the life I lived did not show a christian lifestyle. For some reason God revealed Himself to me. In Romans 8:28-39 God called us, He called me. "Those He predestined, He also called; those He called, He also justified; and those He justified, He also glorified." He called us because He knew we would love Him and it says in the bible that "If you love Me, then you will obey Me." I love my God and I'll go to the ends of the earth for Him.
One thing that happened to me today was an epiphany. During FYE the Missions Director at my University came to my class to give a presentation on Missions. From beginning to end I felt my heart tugging telling me "you're going to be out there" I've always known my heart was for missions in another country, I've known this since I was 14. But now I have just started to realize that its not a dream, this is for real. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me after college, I'm not making any more plans, I'm going with the flow of what God has in plan for me. Hopefully I'll get to see P. Dave in the missions field with his family, that'll be cool. And I got to hear a missionary speak at chapel last week, I hope I get to see him again soon, I'll figure out his name tomorrow. Anyway, I'm out.


Blood Diamond

Before I used to think that any movie Leonardo Di Caprio was in was going to be either a sex movie or some Chick flick. Well after watching Blood Diamond I take that thought back. Even though the movie curses a lot and the main idea of the movie has to do with a diamond, it has so much more to it.
I didn't want to start off this post with what i did start off with, but I don't want to scare off people from reading this.
What pisses me off about America and other developed countries is that the people are so stuck into their everyday "stresses" and "depressions" that I think they're missing the big picture of this world. Not a lot of us will be remembered once we die, and if we are it's just in a history book that students don't even care about. There's so much bad stuff happening around the world that we don't even take the time and give them a hand. Who cares if a meeting was missed or you lose some money helping someone out. We're all eventually going to die, aren't we? I've yet to hear that someone has surpassed death w/ the exception of Jesus Christ who did die and then rose again. No one is immortal, so why don't we die fighting the GOOD fight? Why don't we just leave all this material desires aside and help someone that is truly in need.
What i thought was truly cannibal was when i heard that the US itself does food eating contests and waste so much money on it that, instead, they could just use it to send the food to places like Africa and Asia, and the rest of the Americas.
We have become a society of entertainment, "if it makes me feel good then it's all good." No, no, if it made me feel good to kill someone whom I disliked, what that be good? No that would be chaotic!
What I'm trying to say is that knowing and sending money isn't enough to help those in need. If I were depressed because my father died, money and you knowing would not be enough for me. Being there and holding me up to make sure I won't fall would be the world to me.
When I went to Guatemala, just being there and loving those kids meant the world to them. They had no money to send me there and no way of paying me back but I chose to be there and use my resources to help them, knowing I will not receive anything in return. Did I change the world? Nope, not even close, but did I change someone's life? Yeah i think so.
I'm not telling you guys to go on a mission trip and that will help you be less depressed. Actually I think it will bring more burden on your heart, but I'm asking you to not be ignorant and do something about those less unfortunate than ourselves. Go and fight the GOOD Fight, like it says in the bible.
I recommend watching Blood Diamond. I'm out.



I'm taking a break from studying right now, so to make my break worthy, I decided to write something.
Have you ever wished to be a little kid again, I have. Those good times where I didn't care what I wore, how my hair was done, payments, school. All i cared about was food and having a good time. How i wish to go back to those times where i had to climb the kitchen cabinets to get to the cups for a drink of water. My biggest worry was a rainy day where i couldn't go outside to play.
I love the simplicity of things now, I'm in total awe of it sometimes. The sound of the wind, the laughter of friends, the crashing of waves. Everything has become so complex, people having ulterior motives for the things they do instead of just doing it for the person. And figuring out payments for school instead of the game monopoly I used to play. How I miss being a little kid. I guess that's the reason for my immaturity at times. Playing games on people just for a laugh or playing with kids instead of having serious convos with the adults. I would have to say that even though my father is old, he'll never grow up. haha, he still makes fun of my childhood nickname, he still taps the other side of my shoulder thinking that i won't notice. I guess I take after my father a lot. I wouldn't be angry if I ended up like my dad. I remember when I was a little girl how he always had a smile on his face, still does. I remember when i wanted to be an astronaut because i wanted to see the world from a different perspective instead of looking at it through books and pictures. I was always for the moment, no consequences in mind. I miss those times where choice excited me instead of trialed me. I see my little brother, he's so small. His socks are almost the size of my hand, just a little bit smaller. The only things he cries about is food and not being paid attention to. I envy him.
In contrast, I'm glad I'm older. Older people listen to my thoughts instead of chastising it. I can drive, vote, I can reach the cup cabinet. I can choose my own path instead of my parents choosing it for me. I still have fun, I understand concepts better. I'm not ignorant to the world around me. In the bible it says Ignorance is a bliss, which is right, but I choose not to be ignorant and do something about it. Instead of being ignorant and never to be remembered in the future, i choose to know and do something about it, maybe even be remembered. I do miss the simplicities of life as a child, the ignorance that I had, but life is more worthwhile now that I'm older. I have more to lose, but much to gain. I still go back to my childhood ways just to get away from the reality, but being old has its advantages too. Well I'm out.


My political party.

Well I think it's finally time to introduce my political side. But before I do I just want to clarify that i did not choose my political party because of the candidates, but because of what the party stands for.
I am a Democrat. No, I'm pro-life. I believe that babies need a voice, born and unborn. I'm a christian so I don't like the homosexual marriage, but who am I to tell them to not get married. I lie, it's just as much a sin as homosexual marriage. I just don't agree with just making homosexual marriage a fact of life just as I like trustworthy people, I will never condemn a homosexual, but I will never agree with it.
The reason I chose Democrat is because they are in support of the people. Whatever the people want the democrat's will make sure to get it through. Social Security, the depression of the 1930's, and with the Clinton administration of 1992-1999 attempting to pass nation wide insurance for everyone. I'm not saying that the presidents of these times were perfect, they were far from it, but whose to say we're perfect. Some people might say that these presidents were just trying to gain the vote. Duh, that's the point of it. Didn't Hamilton or Jefferson say that the selfishness of the people will benefit all. I don't entirely agree with that statement, but it does show some accuracy to it, at least in the US.
Some people have asked me who would I vote for in the presidency? Well I'm not voting for Clinton. I have two reasons for that. First off, she believes in abortion even after the said date of when you shouldn't. Another reason, it might sound sexist, but it's because she's a woman. I have no problem of a woman becoming a president, but because we are so in tangled with foreign affairs, what makes you think that the Muslim world will be okay with it? They'll see it as another reason they should hate the US even more and give them more of a reason to nuke the US out of existence.
Obama seems like a good guy, but again he has the same standing as Hillary with abortion, but also he has no idea what he's talking about most of the time.
Being a Democrat doesn't mean that if a time comes that I still shouldn't vote Republican. I'll vote republican if it fits my best interest. I might sound disloyal, but no candidate is perfectly Democrat or Republican anyway. I would go more into depth, but I would need to really look into all the candidates before I do. So until next time, I'm out.


L'INGÉNE by Voltaire

'"How is it,' he wanted to know, 'that tears can bring relief? It seems to me they ought to have the opposite effect.'
'My son,' replied the good old man, 'everything inside us is purely physical. Each secretion is good for us, and everything that comforts the body comforts the soul. We are machines made by Providence.'"
I never heard this explanation between physical and emotional self.
Lately I've just been feeling stressed. Kind of like a weight put upon my chest and I can't seem to lift it off. In the book, the Child of Nature, who had cried, was crying over the fact that he wasn't allowed to marry his godmother, no relation. And when he cried he felt relieved. The thing is, i don't know why this weight has been placed upon my chest. Maybe over the loss of Eddie, I think that is when it started. I wasn't able to cry because i felt out of place. But I really doubt it has to do with that, maybe it does, but not the entire reason for me feeling like this. I just want a good cry, but I can't seem to make myself cry.
No, it has nothing to do with school, school is going great. I just find myself drifting off into space. I usually stop my studying for a second, so i could just think about it and let it pass, but lately it has been just looking into the sky. I like to see the clouds pass and the moon, stars, sunrises, and sunsets. It just drifts me away from reality. I hope it doesn't become an addiction. Because once it does become an addiction, I won't be able to concentrate on anything, but it's kind of hard because being outside and just listening to the wind and the crash of the waves just calms me down from this crazy world that we all live in. Maybe I just need a vacation. That is probably what I'll do, just walk into a forest and camp out there for two days, that would be nice.
God rested on the seventh day, if God rested, then that gives more of a reason that i should rest too. Hopefully I'll get in a good cry too. Well I'm out.


I'm a hypocrite part 2

Well I went to chapel this morning, and what do you know the same dude is talking from last night. If you read "I'm a Hypocrite" you'll get the jiff of it. Well he spoke about John 3:16-17. He asked if anyone knew John 3:16 by memory and of course we do, we've learned that verse since we were little kids even if we didn't grow up in a christian home. Well then he asked about John 3:17 and not a lot of people knew. I knew it because i heard a sermon on it a few months ago if not a year ago. Well Christ was not sent to this world to condemn the world, meaning "who are we to condemn?" but to save the world through him. Doesn't that mean we're just tools for Jesus' sacrifice? We're sinners too, who are we to condemn the homosexuals, the murderer's. "Well those are big sins." Sin is sin, we shouldn't have a double standard. In James 1 verse 8, James writes "A double minded man [is] unstable in all his ways." Again, sin is sin, so if we condemn the homosexuals and murderers, why shouldn't we condemn ourselves for lying, stealing, lust, gluttony? It'll just bring about our destruction and the wrong message that Christians are trying to pass across to the whole world. Christians should not be condemners, if thats even a word, we're supposed to pass the love around and let Jesus do the work in them. So i encourage you my brothers and sisters in Christ, do not be double minded, pass the love around, like the singer Bob Marley would try to pass. I'm out.


I'm a hypocrite!

What does it mean to be a Christian? Well today I had my epiphany. I had gone to a Missions meeting, worship kind if thing, and a missionary to Lebanon spoke. He stated that we're all hypocrites. I was like whoa, not me, I'm a christian. The definition of a Christian is Christ follower. But I realized that I do fall, I do sin, I disobey. I'm nothing close to perfect and I guess the stereotype of people being Christian is being perfect. I find myself actually stereotyping myself sometimes too. I try to portray myself perfect, but I'm not. It's hard to live to people's expectations, but I know that God's expectations surpasses anybody else. Thank God by grace I am saved. Sometimes i do wonder what is God's purpose in my life, I can't do anything. I feel like I'm sometimes just taking up space. I know people that do so much better at stuff than I do. That's how i feel. I don't know what else to say, but that God made us for a purpose, and even though we do fall, we do sin, we do disobey, God has a job for everyone, i just need to find my purpose. Anyway, I hope everyone has a blessed week. I'm out.


Minha Familia é Amigos

My grandmother will finally come back from Brazil tuesday, I'm so happy. So for sure I'll be going to miami, so I could visit her plus it's my cousins birthday and being her favorite cousin, I must go. She'll be turning eight.
With other news, I've been thinking a lot about choice and what God wants for my life. The fact that God has given me free will is awesome and crazy, I can choose to be happy, angry, even sin, but I choose to follow God's will, which in turn makes it determinism because He's knows what will happen if i do. Anyway, this past year has been nothing but choices. having to choose the right college, choosing the right friends in college, when I should drive or take the tri-rail. So many choices. This whole summer I was stressing over either choosing FIU or PBA and then God closed every door except PBA. Then I was afraid i wouldn't make any friends, but God showed me the commutor lounge, lol, and the pool and ping pong table. This semester has just been very refreshing. I'm able to breathe deeply and just enjoy the moment.
One thing that I just can't get over is that I choose to be spontanious, but yet I can't seem to express my emotions in any other way. When I'm excited I have to go and do something, when I'm sad I want to be alone, when I'm just loving the moment I love to stay quite. The problem is, is that instead of talking about how I feel I get away from the feeling itself. It's not that I don't know how to express it, it's the fact that I have no control over the other person, it scares the crap out of me. It's all about trust. Which is why I leave my feelings at home.
I remember one time i was having a panic attack, me and my sister had gotten into a deathly duel and that was my first fight. I didn't know what to do. I called my mom and she didn't want anything to do with it (which is why I despise my mother even though i love her) and then i called Eric, he's like okay "your having a panic attack, so what you need to do is sit down and just breathe." He stayed on the phone for about 10 minutes until my breathing was regular. I had been walking around short of breath and my mind was just not functioning on what to do. So thank God Eric told me that. Which brings me to trust. I trust my friend Eric to save me when I truly need it, but I can't trust my mother because she has better stuff to do. Sometimes it pisses me off because my mom said that family will always be there. She wasn't there! My friend was. Which is why for me it takes time to truly trust someone because I don't know if they'll be there when I'm in danger. Traumatization is the word that has truly affected me. Anyway this is a lot of me out there, so I'm out.



Death, such a fact of life, but yet we can't seem to keep away the tears from falling down. We can't help to feel the loss in our lives. I just found out that my friend eddie has just passed away. He wasn't getting better, but still. He was a friend, a husband, a son, the best soccer goalie I've ever played with. I'm shaking and I can't seem to type what I feel. I feel so much sorrow, but I can't cry, not right now. I see no friend in sight and to let myself go would bring upon consequences that I dare not go through. I think I'm going to go to Miami this weekend, I need to be with those that knew him and cry with them, I need to go. May Eddie rest in peace and I know he's in a batter place. I know he is with God, why don't we rejoice for that? I can't seem to do it. At my own death I don't want sorrow in the air, I want joy because I'm with God, but now i understand. "Sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning" how i wish I could see the sun rising right now. I'm out.


Image of God

What does it mean to be created in the image of God?
If you look around at other cultures, how do we know how God looks like? We all look different. Some are white, black, dark skinned; some people have blue, green, brown eyes; and some of us are blind, deaf, mentally or physically challenged. So what does God look like? For me it's still difficult to comprehend who God is, but in my last post i stated that God is love. No, not a man, but love, He is creator, He is "I am", Alpha and Omega, etc.
I had a wonderful conversation today with my friend Daniele, she told me a story that had happened in her bible class that I thoughtwas quite interesting. The question was "Is God represented equally in all the books of the Bible?" I thought about it before she told me what her professor told her, I responded, "no i don't think so." I thought about the book of Esther and remembered that God isn't even mentioned in the book of Esther. Well her professor said that God isn't represented the same in each book. In all the books it represents a piece of who God is.
Well to get back to my point, my Bible professor brought my class to the book of Ephesians 4:20-24. Three main points that I want to get across. We are transformed in mind, and when we accept Christ we are to "put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." So transformed in mind we have knowledge and through that knowledge we can learn and know God in a personal way; Righteousness means right acting; and holiness is the state of being.
So we are in the image of not by physical means, but internal means, in mind, righteousness, and holiness. Therefore, I tell you that we have been given a great gift, to look like God. Don't let anyone tell you that you are an animal (evolution) we only have a common creator. We have the choice to do what's right, which is the image of God, or do what feels right which is sin.
Let me explain myself. Is it easier to say no to sex or just go right along with it? And I'm being honest, for me it would be easier to just go right along with it, but because I have been renewed in Christ and know what I must do I chose to not have pre-maritial (don't know i spelled that correctly) sex.
So when someone asks who do you look like? say you look like God.
I'm out.


Change or Jesus?

Wow I am so sorry. The last post I had written was totally unnecessary. I was asking for change just for the sake of change, not for the glory of God. I guess I want change so much that i just lose focus of who is really important, Jesus Christ.
I went to church tonight and I couldn't help thinking how prideful I must be. At first I thought i was just being funny, but it's not anymore. I still do want change to occur, but everyone has their own way of making it happen. I guess it's just me being ADHD. I can't help but be moving.
Another thing I learned was about love. Sometimes we get into the if's. I'll love you change this, or I'll love you if... you do this. No, that is not love. "God is love" 1 John 4:8. And not just any kind of love, but beneficial, committed, unconditional, sacrificial. God loves us because that is what He is. Jesus Christ lived with our stench for 33 years and then died on a cross for us, wouldn't it have been easier if he said "I'm the Creator" and then he just places his thumb on us and says "and you don't exist." Wouldn't that have just been easier? And when Peter cut off a soldier's ear why didn't Christ applaud him, why did Christ love that soldier? He is the creator, he created that soldier. For God loves everyone. It doesn't matter if your righteous or a sinner. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." None of us are good enough anyway. And I've forgotten that, I've been too prideful. So don't love people for what they do or who they are, love them because God loves us. "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers." 1 John 3:16.
Even though I'm sorry about the last post I wrote, I still do mean it. I want a Great Awakening part 3 to come. And I can't wait till it comes. Well I'm out.


I am so bored of this everyday bull crap of school and doing the same freaking thing everyday. Yeah college is totally not the same as high school, I get to choose my own schedule, I get to choose, but what i choose doesn't even exist yet. I want change! I want a Great Awakening part 3. I want people to just stop doing what is expected of them and just go out there and do what they believe will change the world in a godly way. I don't see anything anymore. I want change! I want to see godly young leaders standing up, getting off of the benches and pitching a no hitter.
I'm surprised how idealistic I've become. I've always been realistic, oh that can't happen or this won't do. No, no more of that.
Before I started college, I thought 'man I could be whoever i want now, I can start anew.' And I guess I've changed drastically or I've just pulled out of my shell. I don't feel like I did last year, i was the quiet, just going with the crowd kind of person, but no more. I want to be the leader. It's actually quite invigorating. I don't have a power hunger thing going on, I would never let that occur. I just feel that Christians are just doing small things, not that it doesn't matter, the small things do matter, but it's time to think big and start doing the small things that will bring it to the Great Awakening Part 3.
I had a very vivid, weird dream about 3 night ago. Three or four blue birds were on a tree branch just standing there and I'm right across from them singing. Well usually blue birds are the ones singing to me, not vice versa. I couldn't understand the meaning of it, but somebody told me that I'll be a teacher of teachers. Usually teachers of teachers are wise. I hope that is what it means. I'm not that wise, but I know the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, stated in 1st proverbs, so I know I've started to become wise. I just hope I'll be able to fulfill what God has in plan for me. Like I've posted in other blogs, God wouldn't haven't given me such a great imagination so it wouldn't be in use, He wants me to use it, and that is exactly what I'm going to do, one day.
So I'll take the repetitive life for now, yeah I have fun, spontaneous times, but I need more than that. One day it won't be that way anymore for me and whoever I live the rest of my life with, yeah a husband, can't forget him, haha. Well sorry for my cry of change, it's just something that is screaming within me. Well I'm out.


Being sick makes me unfocused.

Oh how I hate being sick and worst of all it's raining and I have to be at school. If I didn't have to be at school then the rain would be nice so i could sleep through my cold, but no, it has to be raining. Today has just been pouring, I'm just glad that I didn't get rained on when i got to school.
Another thing, I've just been so out of focus. I wish i wasn't. I need to focus on my professors and on everything else thats important. I just feel so blah. Stuff that has no importance creeps into my mind at the worst possible times. I know I should just try to block them out and I have the power to take them out of my head, but it's hard when your sick. Maybe it's just this sickness that's keeping me unfocused. All I know is that I'm glad I'm noticing that I'm not focusing than not knowing at all. Then that would just suck because I wouldn't try focung on the important things than just drifting off into lala land. Well please pray for me that this cold will go away by this weekend. I have so much to do this weekend and I need to focus. Well I'm out.



It's sometimes hard to say what is on my mind. I have so many things buzzing through my head all the time that I lose track. Well my classes are doing well, got no complaints on friends, but yet I seem to not feel satisfied. No, I'm not in a depression thing or bored. I just feel like I should be doing something more. I hate my planned schedule. I'm astonished at myself because I seem to have everything planned and I love being in control, but now I want something really out of my control to happen. I seem to see all the things that's happening before it even happens, no not a psychic thing, but it just seems so repetitive. It's quite boring. Yeah then I guess I'm bored. I just want something out of my control to happen, something out of the ordinary to happen. That's all I'm asking for. Maybe I'm at a time where I should jut concentrate at school, and God's giving me the time to do it, but why would God want me comfortable? He's never put anyone in a comfortable position in the bible, why shoud I be any different? I guess it's that calm before the storm, I hope it is. Well this was a pointless blog, I hope I satisfied your boredom for reading this blog. I'm out


Dependance and credibility

Once we can say out loud what are weaknesses are life becomes just so much easier. I am indecisive and I finally accepted that. I wish I were more straight with what i say, but sometimes I say something that i wasn't really sure what both sides of the idea was, and I change more than twice on my standing. I've told some people and now I feel so much better because people won't tell me "stop changing you mind" when I change at speed of a second. But I'm dependable which is weird, but I understand why. Once I tell someone you can depend on me on this, that's my final decision. Even though I'm inclined to change my mind, once I have it made up I stick to it.
Another thing, I've finally made great friends that I can depend on. I don't fully trust them yet, but it's in the process. We've, well really I've already plans for our October break. We're going to Busch Gardens and they've actually agreed. Which is cool, but now I'm titled spontaneous because I think of stuff and just go with it. I don't think that's very spontaneous, but I guess it is to them. And I'm also titled organized and dependable, which is great. I have credibility now. Thank you for those who prayed for me to make friends in school, I'm pretty sure it would have happened eventually, but probably not the same friends and God has put them in my life for a reason, so I'm running with it.
Just one more thing before I go, today in the world leaders have forgotten what credibility means. Credibility comes from the word credo meaning believe and trust. And in today's world we have a lot of leaders, but not a lot of them are credible, which I fear. If there is no accountability to the leaders today then what are we leaving for ourselves in the end, nothing! So I encourage you guys to live a life of integrity and credibility. And keep those that are in the position of leadership accountable, they help mold the future of tomorrow.
And now I'm done, so I'm out.


Alcohol and drugs

I've been meaning to write something on alcohol and drugs for about a week now and I guess this is the time.
Well I'm not going to tell you not to drink or do drugs, I'm not your mother. I'm not here to tell you that drugs are bad for you and I'm not going to tell you that alcohol is bad for your liver. Almost everyone has had a High school diploma, so you've heard from teachers and your parents and TV that drugs are bad for you and you shouldn't drink under a certain age or you shouldn't drink and drive.
You guys know that.
I'm here to tell you my story. As a matter of fact not just my story, but my family's story.
For all I know my grandfather is an alcoholic, has been since before my mom was born. My grandfather from my father's side died because a drunk driver ran into him. I have second cousins that died from a drunk driver. My Aunt was a druggie. She was a druggie in Brazil and she was in Miami. Thank God, now she's clean, has been for about 18 years. Me, I used to drink at parties with my friends from school, i would never get drunk, but the party life and drinking were what i looked forward to each week. My friends from school are into the drinking and getting drunk and some of them have made themselves look like fools. Then I have my sister. The druggie part 2. I'm not going to say I don't love her nor she doesn't affect me because she does. She's my sister. I love her and everything she does, does affect me.
When she started into drugs, nobody in the family knew. But her attitude changed, she became angry all the time. Some people just called it teenage rebellion, but I saw more. I told people that it's not supposed to be so rebellious like she's doing, but nobody listened. Well when someone told me she was doing drugs and other stuff, i had to tell my parents. She stopped using drugs and her attitude became somewhat bearable. It's was still hard to study for AP tests with my mom and sister bickering all the time. Now its different, I moved out from my mother's house and moved w/ my dad for school. Life seems less stressful, but then my sister was caught with drugs at school. No, she doesn't use drugs anymore, but her friends still do. That was just last week and now, today, she's at teen challenge. She had no idea it was coming. It's the cheapest place we could find ($2000 a month) and she's there for 15 months.
Alcohol and drugs takes away the pain, but only for awhile, not forever. we become addicted and then aggressive. We live for the moment where all seems gone, but isn't gone. It's still there, that's reality.
Again, I'm not your mother, do whatever you will with your life. But when you become addicted and nothing seems to satisfy you other than drugs or alcohol. First off don't be afraid to ask someone for help, and secondly, but just as important look into what Christ wants to give you. peace, love, joy, eternity in heaven. Christ is not asking for anything, he'll take your crappy past and transform you into someone that is happy. Not aggressive, no addiction, no loneliness, just peace.
Well as always I'm out.


A random night in the life of Steph

Well Friday started off as any other normal school day. Gym in the morning, classes in the afternoon. Then i took a shower in the locker room and headed to the Student Government retreat. We had dinner and then got into our committee's. I'm part of the communications committee. Well after the retreat I headed to my friend Kristen's house to drop off my stuff since I was crashing for the night. Well we went to the Coffee house which was really mellow and nice.
Well after the coffee house thing we went to Hooka. I had no idea what that was and then they told me it's a middle eastern style restaurant where they smoke tobacco from these jar things. Well I had nothing else to do so I went. Of course I didn't smoke any, but the atmosphere was great and they don't serve alcohol there so that was cool. We stayed there for about an hour and a half. Me, Kristen, and Victoria headed off back to the house since we were tired and hung out there for about 30 minutes w/ Ricky.
Well the rest of the group got back and decided to head to the beach. I was totally up for it. I was tired, but not enough to not miss out on the beach. So we headed to the beach like at 1:30am. We brought blankets and just laid on the beach watching the stars, talking, and listening to music, it was really nice. Well about an hour later two other people sneak up behind us and throws flour over us. Well Grace and Jack weren't going to leave it at that, so they ran after them. It was pretty funny.
Well after about 5 minutes, we were wondering when they would get back, so Ricky goes after them to check it out. 30 seconds later he runs back and tell us to pick up the stuff because the police were there. We got everything and ran for the hills. It was awesome. I haven't felt that thrill before. Well we went through another road so as to make sure the police wouldn't see us. We started making up plans on how to get to the car and if the police were still at the car we would have to walk back to school and get the car to bail them out of jail if they had to go there. Well we passed by the road where our cars were at and sure enough the police were there, so we just kept on walking. Then we heard 2 cars screeching at the corner and stop right next to us. Oh man, we had just gotten caught. So the police officer asks us where we were and where we were heading and stuff. Well Erica took the lead and started saying how we were just heading back from the beach to school. And he said, but what about your cars and we told them that we were first looking for our friends who had just left. And he asked why didn't we look at the beach, and we told him that they had ran towards the road so they wouldn't be on the beach, well to make a long story short we had to give in our names and head on our way back home.
Well the group who had ran off told the cops the truth and of course so did we, but for some reason they didn't believe us, whatever. And the group who had ran off told the cops they were playing tag, lol, and they were laughing the whole time when they were caught by the cops. I thought that was funny. Well we got back home and what do you know its 4am. We stayed up 30 minutes more talking about what happened to each of us, and it was so funny. We finally fell asleep only to wake up at 9am!
Well today we went on a scavenger hunt, which my team won, and chilled at the beach. This was one memorable time, so I had to share.
Usually my blogs concern Christ so here i go. I saw the difference between what we see in the day and the night at a christian school. I saw how some people are really into God and just dedicate their time to Him and I also saw the other side. Just having fun with friends and doing stupid stuff that we'll never get to do again once were older. I thank God for this weekend and how life isn't just about studying and making good grades, but actually going out and doing crazy stuff, either being illegal or going crazy for Christ. Anyway, I'm out


out of this body

I've been totally stressed, but not about school. I wish I could go into detail about what I'm stressed about, but it wouldn't be appropriate. Anyway, i went to a christian concert tonight and God just spoke to me. The last 2 days I've been angry with God, and just wondering why some stuff has been happening, but today i saw that I'm just putting the blame on Him because it really is my fault. Caleb once told me that it isn't my fault. But I still disagree. It's all my fault that this occured, if I just paid more attention and I didn't push away people, things would be different. I wish things were different. But its all in God's hands and I have to just drop my crud on God's lap. I know it sounds wierd, but thats what we do when we give it up for God. We give Him all that we have, the good and bad, and he uses it for His bigger plan.
I just wish I coul go back in time and fix things, but I know I can't do that. I sometimes just wish it was a videogame and I could just press redo, but instead we could either quit or keep moving on and learn from our experiences and pass on our knowledge to others.
Have you ever felt that sensation when your worshiping God and you just get so into praising God and you can't stop moving, but then moving doesn't seem like enough and you just want to jump out of your body and do something crazy, maybe even foolish for God. I've started to feel like that lately. I've started to want to make a change. I have plans that will change society as we know it. And I can't wait till the time comes when all these dreams just come into play. Like I said before, God gave me such a big imagination and I know it'll be used for His glory.
well you guys, I have a favor to ask you guys. First pray for my sister, and I don't mean just as an afterthought, I mean really pray for her. And second, pray for me that i can just keep my eyes focused on Jesus so as not to let any wind or the fact that I'm walking on water keep me from reaching to jesus. Anyway, you guys are always in my prayers. So go MAD (go Make A Difference). I'm out



Yes it's September eleventh and like every year since 2002 we look back upon the terrorist attacks that so dreadfully happened to this country and has affected the entire world.
I was twelve years old in my Home ec. class and i remember a teacher knocking on the door of our room and telling my teacher to turn on the news. I remember seeing my teacher just starting to cry and when at once I understood what had happened I started to cry as well.
I saw the churches pack up the following Sunday, so many people praying and crying. Pastors comforting us through scripture, saying times are coming to an end.
I know in my heart that people were wondering "why has God let this destruction happen?" Why now, why ever? I had read just 2 years ago, after hurricane Katrina hit, a reporter asked Pastor Graham's daughter, "why on earth would God let this happen?"

(written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary)
Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?"
In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.
Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about and we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."

Ben Stein is right. I hate it when people put down God because He doesn't show Himself. How can you expect God to work miracles in our daily lives if we don't let Him be in our daily lives.

In rememberence of Sep. 11th, i pray for those who mourn today from lost family members and friends. I pray that they be lifted up and just keep on seeking God. And I mourn with you today. no I don't know how you feel, I've never lost someone close to me. But it says in the bible to rejoice with those who are joyful and mourn with those who mourn. Well I'm out.


My poems

So I thought I'd place my favorite poems up that I've written since I've started writing. Something different than what i usually do, but I want your opinions. All of these poems are written from a span of 4 years, so most are really sad.

I’m drowning in what it seems
To be a forever ocean.
I can’t see past all the water
Surrounding me, and I can’t
Seem to pull my head over the
Water to breath, I need air.
I’m scared and I just panic
And I don’t know what to do.
Where’s the boat?
When’s my saving coming?
It seems like it’ll never come.
Maybe they don’t see me?
Yeah, maybe that’s it.

She walks alone
She walks alone.
No one is close enough
To here her scream,
No one is close enough
To catch her from falling down,
And no one is close enough
To love her.
She walks alone
With no hope and in despair.
She walks alone,
To cry.

I feel You comfort me
When I feel there is no hope.
I cry out like a wolf to the moon.
And it's the same thing over and over
And if I were
You I would have
Given up already.

Everyday You sat there and
listened to my complaints with
such tenderness in Your eyes.
You didn't care how many times
I came to You with the same problem, You
only cared that I trusted You.

I had prayed one day that You would fill my
life with trouble just so I could come to
You. I sometimes wonder why I
said that prayer, all this hardship
is difficult, but then
I remember when I'm in your arms
that this is the only way I come to You.

The cave
I scream at the top of
My lungs inside my own
Cave where no one can hear me.
I hear the cave echo my scream
But tis an empty scream.
I want no more emptiness around me;
I want it to be real. I want
The scream to be as full and whole
As the sorrow of my mind,
To have the knowledge that I posses.
I want the cave not to be a cave;
I want it to be my home.

I let it be
My heart yearns for
The thing that has trapped
My heart in a prison
of giving and trust.

I will never be
Deceived by this trap
Because I let myself
Into it, knowing
Full well of its

My heart never wants to leave,
so I let it be.

So yeah, these are just a small portion of what i write, but criticism is always encouraged. So tell me what you think, as harsh as it might be.



It's real hard living life by yourself. It's unbearable. I'm not homesick, but I feel like a part of me is lost. The parts that i used to enjoy in my life. I don't feel like myself. Back home I felt loved and I had people to talk to face-to-face. I felt like I could always cry on my friends shoulder if I ever needed to.
I was afraid that I wouldn't make any friends at school, well I did make friends, but I want that close relationship you just get with people. I haven't found that yet. I need that. I have so much things happening, new things and i just feel like I can't talk to anybody. I feel like I did when I was 15, nobody cares about what I say.
This always happens to me, I always feel alone and different when ever I go somewhere different. It's not like I can't comprehend what people are telling me, it's just people can't comprehend what I'm telling them. I know for sure it can't be because of the way I speak, I'm taking public speaking and my professor has no trouble with me. So what is it? Am I boring? Or I don't reach a certain coolness? I know I'm not "cool" I never was, never been. But really I really want to know why I don't feel welcomed in new places. It's not just at school, I felt like that at the college retreat as well. i felt like that when I came back to my church after a year break I took in high school.
Mrs. Myers said its because of my personality. But I don't have a big sign over my head telling about my personality. I don't know what God has in plan for me or what He's preparing me for, but I can't take it, I really can't.
I took a test online last week and it said that I'm a good motivator. That's ironic. I can motivate or encourage other people, but I can't seem to do it for me.
I have a journal that I keep just for myself. And I was reading it over just 2 days ago and one thing that I wrote was "where's my superhero?" Where is he? or she? I'm in need of some saving. Not in the spiritual sense but in the social and emotional sense. Where's my superhero?


A list of things going through my mind.

-I've been telling people I'm cursed. yeah w/e. I remember things that people never remember. This curse has started just a little after i started my senior year in high school. It sometimes makes me feel out of place. I'd start talking about something and people just give me this face like I'm crazy or something. It'll do me good with school, but it still makes me different.

-I've been thinking about my future life a lot lately. With work, I know for sure I want to travel somewhere and just serve. My future husband is going to have to travel too, so we could visit a country where we're not wanted and start a church there, he would have to be a pastor or missionary. And I know for sure that i want 3 kids and adopt some too, i don't want to go through labor more than 3 times, lol.

-School has been so relaxing, i love college! It's so much better than high school. I was totally scared about starting school and i just wanted to go back to my regular high school schedule, but my mind has been changed. I take the tri-rail to school, which at first again, i was scared, but i love it now. And forever i will take the advice of Ivan, he told me to keep buying tri-rail tickets and i didn't listen to him and i got a warning from a police officer. i think i have a record now.

-I met a long lost relative too. He's John DeSousa and he's from Portugal. I know we're related in some way, lol.

-I went to chapel twice this week at school, same message, different music. And then I went to visit a church today of one of my professors and what do you know the same message. I think God's telling me something. it was on Romans 12:1-8 today and the pastor talked about the transforming of our mind and how together as Christ's believers we all have different spiritual gifts and without one another we're a dysfunctional body. Sometimes I wished Christians would understand that. We all need each other. Oh and I need to remind myself of that too. Sometimes I think I can do it all on my own, but i always fall right on my face.

-Also, in Romans 12:6-8 it talks about spiritual gifts and to use them. These past 2 years has been transforming and it has brought me to an organization of abolishing slavery. I wish that slavery was abolished around the world. Somebody had told me that if slavery was abolished the cost of living will sky rocket up. Yeah I know that, but our happiness should not be based on how economically well we are. God should be our happiness. Even those who are worse off than myself can give. So I figured out what one of my gifts are, it's at serving. I love to serve. I would rather live dirt poor than not be able to help people. I don't know how to express how i feel about people except serve. Whenever I was at church in Miami I didn't know what else to do, but srve others. It's been difficult on me lately to go to church and be able to serve yet. I have to wait to find the church God wants me at and then finally start serving, but this could be a long process or hopefully a short process. I hope its short I hate not doing anything.

-Stress can be good and it can be bad. Everyone has different symptoms and I finally figured out mine. I won't tell you what it is, but I know for sure that I hate swimming it gives too much stress. Volleyball and soccer keep me at ease.

-I'm going to start a thing now before i got to sleep now, I'm going to be meditating. I have so many things going through my mind before i go to sleep that i need to relax my mind which will help relax my body. So I encourage those of you who have the same problem to do either meditation or stretching before going to sleep.

Anyway, I'm out. Need to meditate so i could sleep.


My double life

Since college has started I feel like I'm living a double life. At college I'm the quiet, studious girl. But at home I'm much more than what people see. I love adventure and having fun and going crazy, but at college, i feel like I'm just another fish in the lake. Granted I'll probably be one of the smartest people in the class, but for me learning is not just about reading and memorizing facts, its about the experience. I feel like no one sees me. I'm invisible girl. Wow I'm a superhero (sarcasm). I just wish people would just be open to me. I'm not the person to go up to people and just introduce myself, thats scary to even think about it, but if someone came up to me I'll welcome them with open arms. I guess it all has to do with comfort zone. I guess if I knew more people then I'll be able to live my one life again, but for now I guess I have to live my double life. Don't get me wrong I'm the same person, but I just choose to show it to one part of my life. I'm really considering on living on campus my sophomore year in college, but financially I'm so scared to take that leap. I would get to know more people and I would be able to live one life instead of two, but again financially, I'm better off commuting. I don't know, it all depends on what happens this year and how well I make friends. Well pray for me you guys that God's will just shows forth in my life, I hate not knowing whats happening. Well I'm outs.


This past week.

I've been crapping in my pants about this past week. First I moved, then it was Welcome week, today it was first day of school, and now tomorrow I'm taking the train to school. Moving wasn't that hard, it took me awhile to pack, but once I got to my dad's house it took me like a half hour to get settled in. Welcome week was crazy. I didn't know anybody, nobody knew me, except for my ungrad advisor. They had settled us into fish groups (yeah kind of gay, but w/e) and it got a little bit easier. We learned cheers, they forced us into wearing silly hats, and forced us to mingle through games. I am not one to make fast friends, so it didn't work out for me. Through my group I got to meet a really cool girl Danielle which I guess was the only one I hit it off with.
I was so nervous about today. I wanted the first day of school to pass by fast when it was last week, but this morning I wished it never came, i was totally nervous. But my professors were totally nice that I can't wait to see who my teachers are tomorrow. I already have hw for tomorrow, but its easy. And I also added a class, so I have 7 classes! Whatever I know I'll do well.
Another thing that has been running through my mind is my major. My major is history, I just love the subject, I want to travel and just check out artifacts and make history. But one thing that has been bothering me is the travel. I want to travel, but I'm scared. I'll be out of my comfort zone all the time and it just frightens me. I know God doesn't want us in a comfort zone, he wants us as uncomfortable as we can be, so I believe that this is the best thing I could do. I'm always dreaming big and God wouldn't have put such a wild imagination in my head if I wasn't to fulfill it. I just hope I'm as ready as I can be when the time comes for me to pick up and leave. Anyway, I'm out.


Ministry part Dos

So I talked about how ministry is an important thing and that we should always be focusing on God so we could do our ministry correctly. Well another thing that I've noticed about myself and others is that sometimes we can get so caught up into our ministry we just zone out everything else, everybody else.
Sometimes I just get so caught up into making sure my dance moves are just right so the kids can follow that I forget about just having fun and most importantly the kids. In the ministry of leadership I just see some leaders getting so caught up in putting everything just perfect that they just forget the people. I guess thats why I'm so glad we have a first impressions ministry. People just making sure that new people are welcomed correctly. But sometimes that too fails. I don't mean that the first impressions people are not doing their job its just when "church" is just not happening at the moment. Like when there's youth group or when there's a church party. People get left out. I don't know if its the fast paced life of Miami, but we need to slow it down a bit.
This is somewhat dangerous, but sometimes when I'm driving I just look around me, not at the other cars, but at what God's painting looks like. I take pictures of the sunsets or the clouds if they look just perfect and amazing. I look at what people seem to miss when those traffics hit.
We need to look around us, not at just our own work, but at God's work.


Perfect or acting?

I can't help but criticize myself. I don't think very highly of myself if thats the case. I always feel like I'm below this line of awesomeness, of just being cool. Call me a perfectionist or whatever, but whats life if there's no growth?
Yesterday was the day i left my home, everything i know, and move up north, Ft. Lauderdale. It wasn't that hard, i almost did cry but I'm glad for the change. People kept on telling me how great i am and inspirational i am. I'm like thanks, but in my head i was totally like 'what the crap?' I don't see myself as an inspiring person or someone that works hard. I think I'm lazy and a procastinator.
In one of my last posts I talked about how I tell people how it is when their wrong and then they call me perfect. I hate that, i really, really hate that. In some bizarre craze I know that I'm imperfect, but then i try to pull myself in the norm sometimes. I have to pull myself to a lower self, I'm trying not to be mean but man sometimes I feel like no one ever tries and their just trying to pass by. I don't mean everybody, but "a lot of people just want to be liked by their friends, but only some people want to make a difference by being the difference." Yeah i totally made up that line and I'm copywriting it, lol. But what I mean is that making a difference is putting God first then people second, it says so in the bible. People are important without a doubt, but when it comes to what God wants it's Him first. Well I'm out.



I've been wondering about my ministry for quite awhile. When I was dreaming about being a teacher I wanted to teach high schoolers just because their a little bit easier than the other kids. Well the funny thing is, God has brought me into a ministry where I handle elementary school kids. I can just talk to them for hours and listen to them for hours. They have quiet a lot to say. In the bible it says to take care of these kids, nourish them, discipline them; I happen to be able to do that without stress.
Well ministry is a big thing in God's plan. But I wonder if people use their ministry for the glory of God or their own selfish glory. I'm guilty of giving me the glory at times. But sometimes when I see people giving themselves the glory it just pisses me off. I really try to give God all the glory, trying to focus on Him at all times, but sometimes I just lose focus.
I guess the only reason I feel like I want the glory is because sometimes I just feel invisible from everybody else. I feel like nobody sees what I do, sometimes I feel discouraged, this is a big pothole on my path to serving God.
What i guess I'm trying to say is that ministry is a big thing and that the only way we don't give ourselves the glory is by focusing on God, just giving God the glory. We can't rely on what people think or say. If we do, then we'll never be able to pass the limitations of this world and reach God's will.


College retreat

So College retreat happened August 8th through August 11th. I loved it! Even though I missed out on the youth retreat i got to meet new people and make new friends.
Well when we were driving up to Orlando I was a little immature, at least compared to the college people, but whatever, i am who i am. Well camp was so hot, and we slept in tents with no cots, so it was bare floor in sleeping bags, well on top of sleeping bags, it was so hot! Anyway, camp was like youth retreat, but smaller and the sessions were not us just listening, but us learning from each other and talking to each other which i totally loved. I was the youngest person there, and sometimes i felt like people didn't see me or heard me.
Well on Friday, the last night of the retreat, Janell walks me to someplace and she was telling me how I was right about something. We were talking about us as a church and if we're doing our all. Well I told a story about a time, a few months ago, When the only time i worked was at church. Usually I hate on hypocrits, but either my sister or my mom told me i was a hypocrit because i only work at church and no where else. I'm very prideful, so i said no, but when i was on my own and got to think about it, and she was right. I changed my way of living, so they can't call me a hypocrit again. Well Janell told me i was right. Her first impression of me was immaturity, but i love to just play around. When i have to be serious and smart and insightful then thats what i am. At the end of the retreat, i wasn't just the youngest person there, and i wasn't ignored, people listened to me and told me that everyone i meet will be greatly impacted.
If I impacted people over just a few days i wonder what i can do with my whole life to the whole world. My dream is to impact the world and to be remembered for changing the world, and i totally believe I can do it, this weekend just encouraged me at just being me.
I'm not perfect and I should always be growing in my spiritual walk, but i know God ceated me for a specific purpose and i don't feel all that depressed anymore.
Well, during the college retreat I got to play games, talk, go to downtown disney, and go to Typhoon Lagoon, it was all so much fun, i wouldn't change it for anything.
As much as i hated the heat, i would go camping again, just to grow and be more aware of what i have and to be thankful for what i have like AC. I love AC!
Oh and one of the games we played was Can-Can. People know that I'm good so they totally teamed up on me, it got down to me and Shawny and she totally beat me, I was beaten by a very good can-can player and I'm glad for being beaten by her there was no greater opposition. Well anyway, I'm out.


Throw away the stone

So today was Zeal and as always it was an awesome sermon and awesome music.
P. Dave brought us to the book of John where Lazurus dies and Jesus brings him back to life. Well Dave was talking about how we need to die to the things that yield us from experiencing the full blessing of God. He also talked about a list of things that we know yield us from this. The first thing that came to mind was selfishness. In my blog "Weakness and Imagination" I talked about my weakness being selfishness, but it also stops me from experienceing the fullness of God's glory. I just want to be selfless, completely selfless. I believe that with selflessness comes complete humility, love, patience. Like I know I'm not completely full of myself, so i do have humility, and i do love people, i do have pateince, but sometimes when I do love or do work, i hope someone is watching, and because of this my heart isn't in the right place.
We got to write on a stone what yields us from experiencing God's glory, i liked that, In my head i just saw myself throwing the stone away, i just hope the devil doesn't throw back at me.


Closer to perfect

People tell me I’m such a great role model to the girls or I hope my son marries someone like you. I sometimes just get sick and tired of just being noticed by the parents and never by my own peers. I know I’m different than most girls , I know I’m different than a lot of people, I know this, but it still ticks me off when someone ignorantly does or says something and when I try to just correct them they stupidly say, you’re always trying to prove me wrong. What the crap. Is it so bad to correct someone? Doesn’t it say in proverbs “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid”? I totally didn’t write that, it’s in the bible! If people just read their bible and actually live by it, this world would be a defiantly better place to live in. I just wish more “Christians” would just read their bible and not just ponder it, but live it. I’m not perfect, I don’t even think I’m halfway there, but I take one thing at a time and try to improve myself on it. An idea I took from Ben Franklin was to take some virtues I should work on and keep testing myself on them until it’s close to perfect and then move on to the next virtue. If people just fixed one mistake everyday of their lives, the world would be closer to perfect.
But really who am I kidding? No one really listens to me. I’m not the cool person that everyone follows the trends after, I’m not the brain that knows all the answers, I’m just me, plain Steph. Wait… who’s she?


My weakness and Imagination.

Today is such a wonderful day, yes it is Friday and like the saying goes "TGIF." Well as my friday nights are committed to youth group, i had a wonderful time just kicking it back with my friends and just praising God. Well during the music I started thinking about the celebration they were having for the graduated seniors (yes I go ADD okay, totally not my fault) well i was just getting mad that everytime they have a celebration for us, I'm not able to go because of work or I'm going to be out of town. The next celebration they are going to have is next week Friday and I'll totally be in Orlando with my college peeps. It just sucks, nobody celebrates me. But then I pulled myself out of my own body and started critizing what i just said. I'm here at church, the bride of Christ, and all I can think about is me, selfish me. I just got so frustrated with myself, and i felt like i couldn't praise God. But then a phrase in one of the songs came up and it said "I will praise you in my weakness." My weakness is my own selfish self. Sometimes I get tired from just serving because I feel like I get no glory out of it, but really it's not for me, it's all for Him. I just forget sometimes. I know I'm weak, but sometimes I can't help portray myself but as a strong person that doesn't need anybody.
Skip is such an awesome preacher, and God is working wonders through him. One thing he said was "Do as much as you can until you can't do no more, and God will do the rest." To me it went both ways, one with my weakness, God will just be my strenth in my weakness. Another way was through imagination. The topic was no other but "Imagination."
When I was 8 years old, i chose my first "I'm going to be this when i grow up." I chose to be an austraunaut. I even started making a book about a girl, me, going to outer space. Then, i found out that I have motion sickness. People say its a mind thing, but i never had anything against flying until i threw up because of flying, so i really doubt its a mind thing for me. Well I went through a line of other professions that I thought I would enjoy, but tonight after Skip’s sermon, I knew what I’ve been dreaming of doing since I was a little kid. I want to be put in the history books. Yeah it seems kind of ridiculous, but for some reason I feel like if I’m not remembered throughout history, then I didn’t do something to change the world. Yes I want to change the whole world. Seems kind of far fetched, but I believe I can do it. “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” Proverbs 16:3. I’m placing my stake on the ground right now, and I’m going to trust and persevere in Jesus. I’m committing, not to just be remembered, but to change the world in a way that future generations can look back upon and use me as a role model.
Imagination becomes a dream and a dream can become a reality.


Clean water and work

Well I still have to think twice before putting my toothbrush under the faucet water. I can’t help it. I’m still in Guatemala mind set. I appreciate water so much more here in the US. I guess most people wouldn’t understand what I mean unless you go to a third world country where there is no clean water system. Whenever you do want clean water to drink, you need to pay for water at the restaurants or just suck it up with the dirty tap water. And I’d rather pay because drinking the tap water will make you sick for days or even weeks depending on how strong your immune system is.

Also, another thing I finally quit my job. My job was very simple and boring, but man was I getting paid very little. Good thing I didn’t have to lie, I am leaving to Palm Beach for school. If I didn’t have to leave, I would have been stuck there because no way can I quit without a good reason. Anyway, this week is my last week and I’m totally grateful for that.


Slump to Serve

In my last post i wrote how i just feel lukewarm, a little depressed about it. Well I went to small group last night and I finally realized how its much of my fault. God doesn't want me to rest or be bored or feel lukewarm, He wants me to take it up a notch and start projects of my own to helping other people. Like I could help my neighbors with anything or give someone a call I haven't spoken to in awhile, speak to others about Jesus Christ. There is so much to be done and I was just waiting for someone to tell me what to do, but instead God wants me to take the initiative.
John 9:4-5 says "As long as it is day, we must do the work of Him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world."
I have to take advantage of my day time because when night hits, there's nothing more to do. When the light is gone and the last days have come upon us, there is nothing more we could do, no more people to save. When I die I can't preach to anyone anymore. I have to take advantage of my time.
I'm out of my slump and I'm ready to serve!


Guatemala 2007

Guatemala was such an awesome trip this year, nothing what I expected, but still awesome. Sunday we left to Guatemala City and started getting ready for VBS that was going to start the next day. Well the first day of VBS started with a kaboom, it was a very good start to VBS. The whole week of VBS was great. Some of the kids I had to discipline, but they are such great kids that just need love and the attention they don’t receive from their parents. I’m telling you that the kids in the US are such materialistic people that I feel sorry for our future. Anyway, VBS was totally tiring, but very rewarding. Ann Marie and Lauren said that I should be an aerobics teacher, lol. Anyway, to sum up VBS, it was totally better than VBS at church, no offense to the church I attend.
When it wasn’t VBS we got to rest and check out the mall and the medical building that the church has. After the mall I think it was Wednesday we went to Hiper, like a Walmart and we had to get stuff for the youth. Well the bus wasn’t going to park inside the parking lot because it wouldn’t have been able to get out, but at the end of it all we had to go in the parking lot. What a mission. It took about 20 minutes to get to the exit and even when we got there we couldn’t go through the thing, and they figured that out after 10 of trying to go through there. So they finally opened a gate to the road, wish they had done that in the beginning, but whatever. I had plenty of times to take a nap, but I ended up either reading my bible or the Harry potter book. I got sick at times either with a headache or a stomach aches, but I survived. I got a little bit of a soar throat, but it’s almost gone, I probably got it from either Genie or Yannick, but whatever.
At the end of the Guatemala mission’s trip I got to stay in Antigua for two nights, totally awesome. My flight left a day after everyone else, but it was totally worth it. The hotel had a spa, and two pools, a gym, and plenty of other things. Much bad music was played; I and Yannick had our ears plugged because it was that bad. I got to buy things at Antigua, but I had to buy food much of the time in Antigua because it wasn’t covered with the whole price of the trip. In Guatemala City I got to bunk with Ann Marie, Lauren, and genie, that was totally fun, I wouldn’t have changed it. We shared each others clothes at time I felt like we were sisters that got along.
It was warmer than I thought it would be. Last year when I went to Guatemala it was cold most of the time, but this time it wasn’t that much cold.

I had two things stuck to me after this trip. One was that when we were saying our good bye’s to the kids they started crying and hugging us saying “Te quiero mucho” meaning I love you. P. Dave told Valentine that some of the kids are neglected by their parents or never see there parents because their working. I overheard it and it hit me like a professional baseball player throwing a ball at my head. Love is all they want and we gave it to them. I had once gotten into the discussion with my dad about going to Guatemala last year and he was telling me that I’m just spending the money to go over there instead of sending it to them so they could have food and such. I totally agree with that, but I had to argue, they don’t just need that. My dad also said that I’m just going their for fame, I’m not saying that I’m a totally selfless person, but I would never think to go there for fame. I love my dad, but I had to disagree with him. These kids just need so much love and taking care of, they just need to know that their important. It burns at my heart that I had to leave. I just want to go back there and just love them.
Another thing that hit me was how the people there rely on God and prayer so much. They pray for everything, for food, for each other. You see kids praying over each other, kids man. I don’t see many people praying much any more. I’ve also been slacking on prayer as well, but once it hit me, I saw how I leave God out of my life sometimes. Usually I just ask God for the big things like patience over my sister, but these kids pray for food, food! Something that I take advantage of. Sometimes I feel like screaming out to America and saying “stop what you’re doing, everything, stop thinking of what you’re doing and look at what’s happening.”
Also, at the end of VBS the administrator of the school asked all the VBS workers to go up on stage and they gave us a drawing of us. And the lady just started crying and saying that she wishes that they could give more for what we were doing for them. I attempted to not cry and succeeded, but I couldn’t stop moving my fingers, which means I’m nervous or attempting not to cry.
I got to see Rigo again, but it wasn’t the same he didn’t seem interested in anything, I don’t know, but I got meet two other kids Mario, and this other girl whom I called “chama”, which means friend in Venezuelan Spanish. I hope I have pictures of them.
Today I felt so out of it. Like I feel how I felt before I went to the mission’s trip, but I feel more depressed, in lack of better word. In Guatemala I felt like I was on a mission, here I just feel like I’m in limbo and God told us not to be lukewarm, but that’s how I kind of feel right now. I hate feeling like this. I wish I could just go back to Guatemala and be with those kids, tell them that their important, that they could do anything they set their mind to do. Just encourage them. I just feel like eating because I just feel this hole in my heart and I just want it to be filled. I feel like God is testing me with something, but I have no idea what. Maybe it has to do with my sister or just taking advantage of rest because I might not have enough of it later in life. I don’t know. I just want to feel on fire for God, not lukewarm.