It's real hard living life by yourself. It's unbearable. I'm not homesick, but I feel like a part of me is lost. The parts that i used to enjoy in my life. I don't feel like myself. Back home I felt loved and I had people to talk to face-to-face. I felt like I could always cry on my friends shoulder if I ever needed to.
I was afraid that I wouldn't make any friends at school, well I did make friends, but I want that close relationship you just get with people. I haven't found that yet. I need that. I have so much things happening, new things and i just feel like I can't talk to anybody. I feel like I did when I was 15, nobody cares about what I say.
This always happens to me, I always feel alone and different when ever I go somewhere different. It's not like I can't comprehend what people are telling me, it's just people can't comprehend what I'm telling them. I know for sure it can't be because of the way I speak, I'm taking public speaking and my professor has no trouble with me. So what is it? Am I boring? Or I don't reach a certain coolness? I know I'm not "cool" I never was, never been. But really I really want to know why I don't feel welcomed in new places. It's not just at school, I felt like that at the college retreat as well. i felt like that when I came back to my church after a year break I took in high school.
Mrs. Myers said its because of my personality. But I don't have a big sign over my head telling about my personality. I don't know what God has in plan for me or what He's preparing me for, but I can't take it, I really can't.
I took a test online last week and it said that I'm a good motivator. That's ironic. I can motivate or encourage other people, but I can't seem to do it for me.
I have a journal that I keep just for myself. And I was reading it over just 2 days ago and one thing that I wrote was "where's my superhero?" Where is he? or she? I'm in need of some saving. Not in the spiritual sense but in the social and emotional sense. Where's my superhero?


Ivan said...

I'm here Steph. It saddens me that you feel that way. Different people have different personalities. If we were all over-achievers, optimistic, and extroverted, then we'd be in "Jigglypuff" world always singing Kum Ba Ya. I'd want to barf. I think the fact that you commute plays a big factor in your feeling of "disconnect." Surely, if you lived nearby or on campus, this problem wouldn't be occurring as now because you'd be immersed into "campus life."

The possible problem with that is that you might get so involved with socializing and such that you fail at what you're really here for---an education.

Friendships are an essential part of life. I don't want you missing out on that. But just realize that moving and being in new environments are all part of human life. You can't expect to always be around the same people. Embrace change...and don't see it as a curse, but as a chance to establish new relationships.

I'm praying for you, sis. Trust in God and be ultimately satisfied in Him. As you do that, everything else will be seen in its proper perspective---in light of eternity.



Lauren said...

Steph i wouldnt worry to much about it. It takes time to get used to new things. I'm sure the situation will get better.