6/02/2008

Feelings

I've always had a problem with feelings. Sometimes I think it keeps me from really seeing people or choices realistically. People have said that love can keep you in a bad relationship or can keep one from seeing all the bad things in a person's life. Because of this I always put myself down whenever I feel angry, or sad, or even feel love. I keep myself from crying, I attempt to keep myself from showing anger, and I always put myself down whenever I start to love because maybe it'll keep me from seeing the person for who they really are. But lately, meaning the last 2 days, I think my perspective has been changing on the subject of feelings. I think, like any other thing, feelings just need to be in check, it just can't go way too far, it needs to be controlled. Like with food. What would happen if I only ate chocolate all the time? My body would not have the nutrition it needs, I would need to have some food that would give me the proper nutrition. Chocolate isn't bad, you just need to make sure your having other foods as well.
Many of you don't know but my sister ran away. The first night my mom woke me up and said Sammy ran away. I just stayed laying in my bed and for some reason I was like "oh don't worry she'll come back." But then I pushed myself out of bed, changed, got into my car, and then it hit me, she's not coming back. I went searching for her, I started crying, I hate crying. When I got back home my mom had called the police and my dad, they started discussing and whatever. I went back into my room and just laid there. I think I stayed laying there for about an hour before I finally got myself back to sleep. 2 Days later, I went from sad to completely angry. How can she leave, how can she be so selfish? I hated myself for crying and actually caring for someone who is so unappreciated. But then this past weekend, I felt convicted in my heart. How can I be so unforgiving, while God forgives all of my sin? I am unappreciated at times too.
I'm still angry, and I'd rather die than cry over her again, but finally after a week, I was finally able to forgive and let go and keep it in God's hands. She's still gone, for some reason I've been able to keep myself detached so I don't care what happens to her. Kind of harsh, but not my fault. I hope nothing bad happens to her, but I've stopped caring, it's in God's hands.
How is this attached to feelings, well I hated myself for crying and my anger just built up inside, and I can't help but find that her running away is my fault, I couldn't see past her face that she was thinking of leaving. I knew her past mistakes and I chose to see past it because I loved her and thought she sort of changed. I tried to believe that she changed. Me and her know each other so well, but I chose to forget. How can I have been so dumb? I guess that's why I hate feelings. But then I take God into consideration for me and I can't help but fear God (be in awe for those who don't know the other definition of fear.) God is not dumb, just loving and merciful. How I wish I was like that more.
Another thing about feelings is that that is where passion comes from. My passion has always been kids and now I see that my passion has been more focused on the kids in Africa. Which brings me to another point. Someone pointed out to me that what I may be passionate about may not be someone else's, they might have another passion that God has called them to. I get angry at people who don't take the kids or the wars in Africa serious, but it's not their fault, God hasn't called them to do that, but work in some other part. It's a body with different functions. Which brings me to something that I've been thinking about for a long time. A United Nations missionary organization. There are so many different missionary organizations, but because of different beliefs or denominations they don't attempt to work together for some bigger purpose that God has. I know we all have different interpretations of the scriptures, but isn't our main focus God and His son Jesus Christ? Even Paul says that if it doesn't make anyone stumble then its fine. "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." Anyway, I'm still working on this whole idea that I have, but I hope that if it is started that it'll be for God's glory, not our self pride. Anyway, I'm outs.

4 comments:

Dawn said...

I understand completely what you mean about hating yourself for crying. But then I watched this movie called 'City of Angels' with Meg Ryan in it, and this quote totally changed my perspective about it:

"You only cry when there's no other way to express your emotions. It gets too much so your body lets it out for you."

I still hate crying in front of everyone except my boyfriend, but crying alone can be such a release.

As for the love thing you mentioned... love is a gift, by pushing it away you're missing out on the richest fulfillment possible... it can be obsessive and blinding but that is infatuation, not love. Love is seeing a person's flaws and loving them because it's part of who that person is.

I really hope your sister is okay. Whatever her reasons, I'm sure God will use this to work in her life and bring it together for good. Romans 8:28; Jeremiah 29:11-13. :)

Take care, Steph. xxxx

stephsousa said...

I forgot to mention this, but Dawn you reminded me about a book that i read, L'Ingénu by Voltaire.
'How is it,' he wanted to know, 'that tears can bring such relief? It seems to me they ought to have the opposite effect.'
'My son,'replied the good old man, 'everything inside us is purely physical. Each secretion is good for us, and everything that comforts the body comforts the soul. We are machines of Providence.' (Chapter 10, p. 143.)
I forgo to mention that I read this book and this is what changed my perspective of crying, but like you, I hate to cry in front of people.

Alison Riling said...

i wish she'd just come back. i hate knowing she's missing but not being able to do anything about it.
i know she's made ALOT of mistakes.. but i still care for her. i remember all the fights [[verbal and physical] that me and her have had..and when i think about those things, it makes me want to care less about her. but when i think of the times when she backed me up when people were messing with me, or when she was there for me when i was crying.. it makes me realize that everyone makes mistakes...and we have to overlook them..just like how God overlooks our faults.. cuz boy, do we have many.


im praying for all of u guys..i know this is hard..its hard on me, and im not even related to sammy.

stay strong

Merari said...

hey girl.

I'm really sorry to hear about your sister. I hope she's alright.
I'll be praying for you and your family.

<3