Service has a lot of different meanings. It could mean a work service where you get paid for something you do, like a career. Service could mean helping a neighbor, a friend, family, whoever you desire to serve. Yet what is the motivation behind an act of service. In the case of a career, the person is being paid for something they can do that the person paying for the service cannot do. If you're helping out a neighbor, it seems logical to help those around you, you would want them to do the same for you. In the case of family and friends, you can't help but serve your family (they are blood, though there are exceptions); and you can't help but serve your friends, you wouldn't be friends with them if you didn't like them :P. So what is the true motivation behind service? Yeah we all help serve our community in some way, we all have our place, but what keeps us going? We all have this call to do something.
I would like to consider mine administration (that's what I'm good at). But I was thinking over this and what is my motivation behind serving. First my motivations were clearly to be seen by people, but I wasn't having any fun and I wasn't really helping anyone because I didn't make it relational, I made it purely "business". However, a turning point came into my life where I finally understood 1 Corinthians 13, to do everything out of love. For example, when I cook for people. I love to cook and I enjoy people saying how good my food is, but I enjoy more the fact that they don't have to cook their food and I love the conversations we have at the table, especially with my roommates, though random as they are. I don't get mad anymore that I'm doing all the work and they (not my roommates, but general public) don't do anything. My motivation behind service (after years of failure) is love, its building relationships. Of course, I probably don't understand the true meaning of love, but just remembering the cross and eventually being in heaven, will definitely show what love looks like, what God looks like. I just enjoy helping people, it gives me purpose, it gives me meaning. Yes I'll never see the lady that asked for food ever again, yes I'll sometimes be the only person in the "relationship" giving it my all, but when God receives me and tells me I'm His, it'll all be worth the money and time I used serving those around me.
Also, in one of my classes we were discussing the Trinity. What is the meaning behind "Let Us make man in Our image." Does it mean physically looking like him, mentally, emotionally? Or does it mean to have a relationship? God had a relationship within Himself, you can clearly see that He wanted a relationship with man and for man to have relationship with man. Is this what God desired? For us to only have relationships? Should this be our motivation behind service? For us to have a relationship with other people? Any thoughts?
I'm outs.
12/28/2009
12/10/2009
Extremist
Oh and I realized I had a quote that I wanted to leave with you until I write again. Martin Luther King Jr. wrote, "So the question is not whether we will be extremists, but what kind of extremists we will be. Will we be extremists for hate or for love? Will we be extremists for the preservation of injustice or for the extension of justice?"
Any thoughts? I'm outs
Any thoughts? I'm outs
12/02/2009
Finals next week
I haven't been able to write. Everything I want to write about is way too close to the heart. I have a million things going on in my head right at this moment. I shouldn't be distracted. I have freaking finals next week and its pretty much the farthest thing from the forefront of my mind. Please pray that I can focus. I'm outs.
11/20/2009
My indifference
Coming into the bedroom and I find my roommate on the floor, crying. However, it is not tears of sadness, but tears of joy. I know this might sound crazy, but she said Jesus was just in this room. Any person would be a skeptic and look at her weird, but you should see her face and you should feel the room, the room is peaceful.
It made me think about Jesus (of course) and my relationship with Him. I don't need to feel Jesus' presence to know He is real. I don't need a big miracle. I know He's real. However, I've noticed I've become indifferent. I've become indifferent about what God wants me to do. I should be reading my Bible more and I should be praying more, but its not that I have to do those things, I just don't want to do those things. Like I've said, I have become indifferent.
Like I'm waiting on His promise, I'm waiting for Him to move, but I forgot one important thing that I learned in high school, when He's not moving He wants me to do some moving. I remember a hurricane/tropical storm (I don't remember what) coming through and I felt so useless. I had just come back from a missions trip and I felt like God wasn't using me. Until I came to the realization that God has stuff for me to do. So I went outside and started cleaning up my neighbors drive threw since she was old. Those small things are what needed to be done.
Another thing that came to mind was my uncleaniness (I know not a word). I don't mean that I'm dirty and disgusting. God would smack me in the face if I said that, lol. However, the amount of garbage that goes through my head daily, its not something I would like to share with people and remembering that God is in our very presence ALL the time and He still love us... its amazing and I've just become indifferent. If you feel like your in the same place, at least know your not the only one. I'm outs
It made me think about Jesus (of course) and my relationship with Him. I don't need to feel Jesus' presence to know He is real. I don't need a big miracle. I know He's real. However, I've noticed I've become indifferent. I've become indifferent about what God wants me to do. I should be reading my Bible more and I should be praying more, but its not that I have to do those things, I just don't want to do those things. Like I've said, I have become indifferent.
Like I'm waiting on His promise, I'm waiting for Him to move, but I forgot one important thing that I learned in high school, when He's not moving He wants me to do some moving. I remember a hurricane/tropical storm (I don't remember what) coming through and I felt so useless. I had just come back from a missions trip and I felt like God wasn't using me. Until I came to the realization that God has stuff for me to do. So I went outside and started cleaning up my neighbors drive threw since she was old. Those small things are what needed to be done.
Another thing that came to mind was my uncleaniness (I know not a word). I don't mean that I'm dirty and disgusting. God would smack me in the face if I said that, lol. However, the amount of garbage that goes through my head daily, its not something I would like to share with people and remembering that God is in our very presence ALL the time and He still love us... its amazing and I've just become indifferent. If you feel like your in the same place, at least know your not the only one. I'm outs
10/23/2009
Will over emotions
This past week I've learned something very important in the Christian walk. When I first became a Christian I allowed the emotions to take over my will. I was so amazed by God that my emotions just wanted to do everything God wanted me to do. However, after time passed the emotions wore thin and the will needed to take over, but that was a difficult task because the will has been so dependent on the emotions that my will was/is not strong enough yet. I think this is an important thing that God was/is trying to teach me.
I hear people say I don't feel God leading me in this way or that way, but I do not think that we should allow that to be an excuse anymore, unless God legitimately told you in Scripture. God commanded us to go to our city, to our country, to the world and tell others about Him. I don't necessarily think that God wanted us to be missionaries. I think He wanted us to just tell everyone we meet about Him. If I happen to go to Europe on vacation, why should I not show God's love to the people I encounter. But I'm not just talking about missions. Missions work is a great opportunity to really pour your life into a group of people, but we should not be stuck there just there.
I'm just tired of allowing my emotions take control of my will. Every time I heard a sermon I was excited to go out into the world and do what was just taught but then when I actually go out there I allow fear to stop me. I allow "circumstances" to stop me from doing what was just taught. I'm tired of allowing my emotions do whatever it wants. J. Sidlow Baxter wrote,
"I found that there was an area of me that did not want to pray... and there was a part of me that did. The part that didn't was the emotions, and the part that did was the intellect and the will... So will and I set off to pray. But the minute we turned our footsteps to go and pray all the emotions began to talk: 'we're not coming, we're not coming, we're not coming.' And I said to will, 'will can you stick it?' And will said, 'yes, if you can.' So will and I, we dragged off those wretched emotions and we went to pray, and stayed an hour in prayer.
If you asked me afterwords, 'did you have a good time?', do you think I could have said 'yes'? A good time? No, it was a fight all the way...
Suddenly one day [weeks later] while will and I were pressing our case at the throne of the heavenly glory, one of the chief emotions shouted 'Hallelujah!'and all the other emotions suddenly shouted, 'Amen!' For the first time all of me was involved in the exercise of prayer."
I found this to be interesting. I should not allow my emotions to control my will, but allow will to control my emotions. Emotions are not horrible, but they can get in the way of doing what God ultimately wants us to do for Him. I'm outs
I hear people say I don't feel God leading me in this way or that way, but I do not think that we should allow that to be an excuse anymore, unless God legitimately told you in Scripture. God commanded us to go to our city, to our country, to the world and tell others about Him. I don't necessarily think that God wanted us to be missionaries. I think He wanted us to just tell everyone we meet about Him. If I happen to go to Europe on vacation, why should I not show God's love to the people I encounter. But I'm not just talking about missions. Missions work is a great opportunity to really pour your life into a group of people, but we should not be stuck there just there.
I'm just tired of allowing my emotions take control of my will. Every time I heard a sermon I was excited to go out into the world and do what was just taught but then when I actually go out there I allow fear to stop me. I allow "circumstances" to stop me from doing what was just taught. I'm tired of allowing my emotions do whatever it wants. J. Sidlow Baxter wrote,
"I found that there was an area of me that did not want to pray... and there was a part of me that did. The part that didn't was the emotions, and the part that did was the intellect and the will... So will and I set off to pray. But the minute we turned our footsteps to go and pray all the emotions began to talk: 'we're not coming, we're not coming, we're not coming.' And I said to will, 'will can you stick it?' And will said, 'yes, if you can.' So will and I, we dragged off those wretched emotions and we went to pray, and stayed an hour in prayer.
If you asked me afterwords, 'did you have a good time?', do you think I could have said 'yes'? A good time? No, it was a fight all the way...
Suddenly one day [weeks later] while will and I were pressing our case at the throne of the heavenly glory, one of the chief emotions shouted 'Hallelujah!'and all the other emotions suddenly shouted, 'Amen!' For the first time all of me was involved in the exercise of prayer."
I found this to be interesting. I should not allow my emotions to control my will, but allow will to control my emotions. Emotions are not horrible, but they can get in the way of doing what God ultimately wants us to do for Him. I'm outs
10/02/2009
as we get older
If I had more time to do more things life would be easier. I would see my brother on a weekly basis. I would spend more time on my studies. I would spend more time on my friends. I would not be complaining about how much more time I need. It just seems as though the things I really wanna do I don't get to do. God always tells us to set our priorities straight but when I can't then I feel like a failure. I have so many aspirations, I have dreams for my future. I just can't do it all.
I remember in high school I would wake up early so I can get to school and I remember watching the sunrise every morning. I miss that. I miss that second of peace. I remember taking that single second and just enjoying the view. I haven't seen a sunrise in quite a long time...
Life is so beautiful. I guess if I had time to do everything I needed to do, I wouldn't enjoy skipping something that's "important" and doing something really worth my time. I'm just blabbering, but I just miss the simplicity I had. I hate how when we get older things get more complicated. I'm outs
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
I remember in high school I would wake up early so I can get to school and I remember watching the sunrise every morning. I miss that. I miss that second of peace. I remember taking that single second and just enjoying the view. I haven't seen a sunrise in quite a long time...
Life is so beautiful. I guess if I had time to do everything I needed to do, I wouldn't enjoy skipping something that's "important" and doing something really worth my time. I'm just blabbering, but I just miss the simplicity I had. I hate how when we get older things get more complicated. I'm outs
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
8/25/2009
Health care
Everyone seems as though they are completely against the Health Care plan that President Obama is going to pass along through Congress. I can see why some people are against it. Doctors and nurses will be getting a regular rate pay as every other doctor and it does not encourage doctors to do their very best job. I see that and it makes me feel as though doctors are completely in it for the money! I totally know it’s not like that, but it seems that it’s only for the cash if the American people have that mind set.
Anyway, the health care is supposed to provide every American citizen with health care, but I have a different idea that maybe Congress has already thought of, but they should rethink it again. I propose that free health care should be free for every minor and if they want to move into higher education then it will be extended. Plus, if the student goes into grad school then it be extended. I’m sure it would push students to finish schooling and we would have a better educated society. Health care shouldn’t be a factor for students to finish college up, but when those 20’s push in and we find out about all the problems that we have it would be great if I have health care. I’ve been to the hospital already twice this year (2009) and if it wasn’t for the insurance I’m under with my mother I would have to pay for it with my own money! I have no money! And I’ll be going to grad school soon and I’m afraid that my mother’s insurance won’t cover for me. What am I supposed to do? I’m just saying that this would relieve a lot of stress that I wouldn’t need if I had free health care. I just don’t feel comfortable giving free health care for those citizens that really don’t work hard in this country. Yeah there are circumstances that occur, but if anyone works hard during tough times, they truly should gain the benefit of their hard work!
I would also push to give free schooling for higher education, but I think that would be too much for the administration to push for the time being.
Anyway, I have spoken my peace. I’m outs
Anyway, the health care is supposed to provide every American citizen with health care, but I have a different idea that maybe Congress has already thought of, but they should rethink it again. I propose that free health care should be free for every minor and if they want to move into higher education then it will be extended. Plus, if the student goes into grad school then it be extended. I’m sure it would push students to finish schooling and we would have a better educated society. Health care shouldn’t be a factor for students to finish college up, but when those 20’s push in and we find out about all the problems that we have it would be great if I have health care. I’ve been to the hospital already twice this year (2009) and if it wasn’t for the insurance I’m under with my mother I would have to pay for it with my own money! I have no money! And I’ll be going to grad school soon and I’m afraid that my mother’s insurance won’t cover for me. What am I supposed to do? I’m just saying that this would relieve a lot of stress that I wouldn’t need if I had free health care. I just don’t feel comfortable giving free health care for those citizens that really don’t work hard in this country. Yeah there are circumstances that occur, but if anyone works hard during tough times, they truly should gain the benefit of their hard work!
I would also push to give free schooling for higher education, but I think that would be too much for the administration to push for the time being.
Anyway, I have spoken my peace. I’m outs
8/11/2009
Screwtape Letters
C.S. Lewis wrote in Screwtape Letters, “The real trouble about the set your patient is living in is that it is merely Christian. They all have individual interests, of course, but the bond remains mere Christianity. What we want, if men become Christians at all, is to keep them in the state of mind I call ‘Christianity And’. You know – Christianity and the Crisis, Christianity and the New Psychology, Christianity and the New Order, Christianity and Faith Healing, Christianity and Psychical Research, Christianity and Vegetarianism, Christianity and the Spelling Reform. If they must be Christians let them at least be Christians with a difference. Substitute for the faith some Fashion with a Christian coloring. Work on their horror of the Same Old Thing.”
Sorry this is a long quote, but it is really important to understand what Lewis is trying to write in the mouth of Screwtape.
I remember at church when my pastor would make fun of the Methodists or other denomination meaning that Baptists are the better of the denominations. I really really hated that because they are our brothers and sisters in Christ no matter what denomination they are. If we start to create differences within the Christian religion, then might as well give the devil the battle because we are not being one church. Yeah I understand that we all have our differences in theology, but who cares? If we fight about theology, we lose sight of the big freaking picture. Why can’t we just love people? Why can’t we be like Jesus. Jesus was not a Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, or whatever you are, he just loved people. He looked deep into each and everyone of our souls and saw something worth dying for. Give me that. I want to stop judging, I want to stop putting a label on myself, I want to be like Jesus. I'm outs
Sorry this is a long quote, but it is really important to understand what Lewis is trying to write in the mouth of Screwtape.
I remember at church when my pastor would make fun of the Methodists or other denomination meaning that Baptists are the better of the denominations. I really really hated that because they are our brothers and sisters in Christ no matter what denomination they are. If we start to create differences within the Christian religion, then might as well give the devil the battle because we are not being one church. Yeah I understand that we all have our differences in theology, but who cares? If we fight about theology, we lose sight of the big freaking picture. Why can’t we just love people? Why can’t we be like Jesus. Jesus was not a Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, or whatever you are, he just loved people. He looked deep into each and everyone of our souls and saw something worth dying for. Give me that. I want to stop judging, I want to stop putting a label on myself, I want to be like Jesus. I'm outs
7/05/2009
Failure
It seems as though that when we fail there are two choices we can make, accept it (probably trying again or learning from it) or not accepting it. We all wish we could just accept our failure and push through, but sometimes it is not like that. When someone sins, like having sex before marriage, committing adultery, stealing, or lying; sometimes it feels like we cannot go back. How can one become a virgin again after giving their body to someone that was not their spouse or to someone that is just a jerk? How can one go back to where they were true to their spouse? How can one go back to having the trust they once had before they lied? How can I feel like I can go back? We can all say that we live in a messed up world. I used to (and sometimes still) have the hardest trouble accepting that though I’m disgusting, God still sees that I’m worth it. The thing about failure is that it brings you onto a new route. I started reading this book called “Three cups of Tea” by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin. I have only read the first three chapters, but it basically talks about Mortenson’s failure of climbing K2 and failing to fulfill his promise to his sister who had passed away. However, because of his failure he accidently went to the wrong city he was supposed to be in and life brought him onto a new route. After sin in our lives, which should ultimately bring death, in Christ it brings new life.
Last year before May hit I was a very different person than who I am now… well spiritually. I was prideful, I thought I was spiritually mature than most other people, I was a Pharisee. Of course, I don’t think I went as far as being like a Pharisee, but more like a metaphor. Anyway, after my failure and some angry talks with God I’m still a bit confused as to where I’m supposed to be. I still have a lot of growing up to do, but it brought be back to step one. My story doesn’t seem too inspiring, but God has a time for everything, I just need to be a bit patient I guess. Kind of like the movie “You, me, and Dupree” The mothership has not called me yet, lol.
Failing sometimes brings steps back, kind of like a one-step forward and two steps back, but this time its one-step forward and all the way back to square one. I think that is why people are afraid to fail. It’s not fun starting over.
However, starting over doesn’t mean doing the same thing over too. Maybe it’ll take you along a different track that you never thought you would ever take and enjoy it and it’ll be doing something to glorify God. Anyway, just some thoughts that I hope you enjoyed. I’m outs
Last year before May hit I was a very different person than who I am now… well spiritually. I was prideful, I thought I was spiritually mature than most other people, I was a Pharisee. Of course, I don’t think I went as far as being like a Pharisee, but more like a metaphor. Anyway, after my failure and some angry talks with God I’m still a bit confused as to where I’m supposed to be. I still have a lot of growing up to do, but it brought be back to step one. My story doesn’t seem too inspiring, but God has a time for everything, I just need to be a bit patient I guess. Kind of like the movie “You, me, and Dupree” The mothership has not called me yet, lol.
Failing sometimes brings steps back, kind of like a one-step forward and two steps back, but this time its one-step forward and all the way back to square one. I think that is why people are afraid to fail. It’s not fun starting over.
However, starting over doesn’t mean doing the same thing over too. Maybe it’ll take you along a different track that you never thought you would ever take and enjoy it and it’ll be doing something to glorify God. Anyway, just some thoughts that I hope you enjoyed. I’m outs
6/30/2009
Sorry...
Sorry I haven't been posting in awhile. It's really difficult so have internet at my own home, so I'm going to try and fix it this week or ask Mark to fix it. I have some ideas for my next blog so come by and look around next week. Hope you guys have a wonderful week and a great fourth of July weekend!
5/13/2009
I need an answer
Don't know if the questions I have are what God wants me to ask so I can be closer to Him... Like if I ask certain questions people will think that I'm questioning God in a bad way, or questioning my beliefs. I'm really not trying to do that. I sometimes wish I just had blind faith and never cared for reason, but I want concrete things, which is weird because I am so abstract at times. Well I'm bringing this question out and hopefully someone can help me.
Are miracles really from God or is it just something science can not explain as of yet? And if it is scientific, is God really working in our lives? Is God really true and out there?
I know that there had to be a greater being to create this entire universe, but it sometimes doesn't seem logical, I might be becoming diest... Ahhh sorry if this begins to trouble you, I just want answers. I'm outs
Are miracles really from God or is it just something science can not explain as of yet? And if it is scientific, is God really working in our lives? Is God really true and out there?
I know that there had to be a greater being to create this entire universe, but it sometimes doesn't seem logical, I might be becoming diest... Ahhh sorry if this begins to trouble you, I just want answers. I'm outs
4/20/2009
Missions
So I'm writing a ten page paper, but I thought I should take a break and write something that came to mind. Well I'm writing a paper on Native American values and how they are similar to Christian values. I found a lot of good stuff, anyway I'm reading on the history of missionaries coming from Europe to the New World and its funny how the Indians embraced the new religion and some Indians embraced it so well that they wanted to become priests for their own people. Instead of concentrating more on the Indians I concentrated more on the missionaries work and I realized that some missionaries make their mission place their home. God told us that we should go to the ends of the earth to preach the Good News, but the end of the world has been reached (except for some tribes in the Amazon that have probably not been found yet). I'm realizing more and more that the ends of the earth for me is right here, where I am right now, in my city. This is my home, this is my mission field, I don't need to go to another country or wutevs because sooner or later it will also become my home.
Side note, God told us we should not be like the world, meaning that this earth is not my home, so doesn't that mean that the ends of the earth is everywhere I go to?
Sorry this might sound all like a blabber so if it does don't be afraid to ask me what I mean because I know I don't make sense at times.
I'm outs.
Side note, God told us we should not be like the world, meaning that this earth is not my home, so doesn't that mean that the ends of the earth is everywhere I go to?
Sorry this might sound all like a blabber so if it does don't be afraid to ask me what I mean because I know I don't make sense at times.
I'm outs.
4/07/2009
Being a Christian
When I took public speaking my first semester in college we had to go up and read an excerpt or story to the class as a speaker should. Well one student went up and read the poem that I posted below. It is written by Carol Wimmer. I really like the poem, except for one thing it says in the poem, but its pretty to the point.
A lot of times people believe I'm perfect and that I am ignorant of the world around me. Just because I am a Christian does not mean that I'm optimistic and that I push Jesus down people's throats. I have suffered the pain of divorce, a family member doing drugs, my own depression, bickering that I have nothing to do with but in which I'm in the middle of it, poverty, and the list can go on. I'm not perfect. When I first became a Christian I gave my life to Christ because I could not deal with it anymore. I was on the brink of suicide and then God told me He had plans for me and all I needed to do was trust Him. My depression went away for awhile, it was so liberating. Of course, I still suffer from depression from time to time, but it is not to an extent where I lose hope, I always get right back up. So for those who think my life is perfect, its not. And for those who don't like me because of one thing or other, I'm sorry for any wrong I have done to you, I'm only human and so are you. I don't do anything to not be liked, plus if you don't like me then you don't know me at all because if you did, then you would know that God loves me and that God commands us to love each other like God loves us. Anyway, give me some of your thoughts on the poem. Do you like it or don't like it? I'm outs
When I say "I am a Christian"...
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering "I get lost!"
"That is why I chose this way."
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need someone to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and pray for strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and cannot ever pay the debt.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
my flaws are too visible
but God believes I'm worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
which is why I seek His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority.
I only know I'm loved.
A lot of times people believe I'm perfect and that I am ignorant of the world around me. Just because I am a Christian does not mean that I'm optimistic and that I push Jesus down people's throats. I have suffered the pain of divorce, a family member doing drugs, my own depression, bickering that I have nothing to do with but in which I'm in the middle of it, poverty, and the list can go on. I'm not perfect. When I first became a Christian I gave my life to Christ because I could not deal with it anymore. I was on the brink of suicide and then God told me He had plans for me and all I needed to do was trust Him. My depression went away for awhile, it was so liberating. Of course, I still suffer from depression from time to time, but it is not to an extent where I lose hope, I always get right back up. So for those who think my life is perfect, its not. And for those who don't like me because of one thing or other, I'm sorry for any wrong I have done to you, I'm only human and so are you. I don't do anything to not be liked, plus if you don't like me then you don't know me at all because if you did, then you would know that God loves me and that God commands us to love each other like God loves us. Anyway, give me some of your thoughts on the poem. Do you like it or don't like it? I'm outs
When I say "I am a Christian"...
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering "I get lost!"
"That is why I chose this way."
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need someone to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and pray for strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and cannot ever pay the debt.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
my flaws are too visible
but God believes I'm worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
which is why I seek His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority.
I only know I'm loved.
4/03/2009
Leaving it all inside
I haven't written a poem in awhile. This is a different style than how I usually write, but I want to experiment. Tell me what you think.
It’s hard to breath
I keep it all inside
And that is all I feel
Scream loud
Know my thoughts
My heart is about to burst
Fake smile
Keep on going
Leave me be
I want what is inside out
I want to play
And experience this life
Us together
What were we thinking?
People are different
The mouth that
Speak sweet nothing’s in my ear
It just hurts more
Let me stay
I love you
And want only you
It’s hard to breath
I keep it all inside
And that is all I feel
Scream loud
Know my thoughts
My heart is about to burst
Fake smile
Keep on going
Leave me be
I want what is inside out
I want to play
And experience this life
Us together
What were we thinking?
People are different
The mouth that
Speak sweet nothing’s in my ear
It just hurts more
Let me stay
I love you
And want only you
3/29/2009
The World
I haven't written in awhile. I haven't felt inspired to write. Anyway, last night I was feeling depressed, it comes from time to time. I was finally alone with my thoughts for the first time in two weeks and my skepticism comes rolling around and so do my questions. I wonder about creation and God's love and sometimes I can't add it up. I believe entirely in the God who created this universe and everything in it, but sometimes I wonder why. I wonder why the tree of the knowledge of good and evil was in the garden and I wonder why God chose us out of everything else. I think what really bothers me is why God loves us. In my other posts I seem to write about God's love in one way or the other, but its something I can't break through. It seems completely illogical to love humans. I try to understand God's reasoning. I know I can't, but I want to know. I've seen movies like Transformers and Watchmen and there is a consistent theme, Humans are worth saving. Why?
Another thing that disrupt my thoughts is why even try to do anything for this world? This world will soon die and anything I contribute to it will go to waste. I guess that is why God tells us to tell people about Him because nothing else really matters. I can be the best teacher in the world, but it comes to nothing anyway. I can be the best politician, the best musician, the best photographer, but it really comes to nothing. Yeah this sounds really depressing, but its so true. The only thing we can do is smile and just live. But live for what? The only thing worth living for is for God and that is already difficult to do. I'm not saying I don't want to, but the flesh can be so strong at times.
I might be too honest right now, but I feel alone in this world. I don't know if you guys ever feel that way. You could have all the friends in the world and still feel lonely or if your like me you feel as though you have all the friends in the world, but when I go through my phone book I only have two or three people that I know I can call on. If I passed away tomorrow the world will keep going on. When Aristotle, Martin Luther, and Napoleon died, the world kept moving on. They probably contributed to the world (Napoleon did because of all the revolutions), but like I said the world will soon die and it was all for nothing. Blah... Sorry if this depresses you like it does me. I just wish I knew what my next step is going to be or what God wants me to do. I'm outs
Another thing that disrupt my thoughts is why even try to do anything for this world? This world will soon die and anything I contribute to it will go to waste. I guess that is why God tells us to tell people about Him because nothing else really matters. I can be the best teacher in the world, but it comes to nothing anyway. I can be the best politician, the best musician, the best photographer, but it really comes to nothing. Yeah this sounds really depressing, but its so true. The only thing we can do is smile and just live. But live for what? The only thing worth living for is for God and that is already difficult to do. I'm not saying I don't want to, but the flesh can be so strong at times.
I might be too honest right now, but I feel alone in this world. I don't know if you guys ever feel that way. You could have all the friends in the world and still feel lonely or if your like me you feel as though you have all the friends in the world, but when I go through my phone book I only have two or three people that I know I can call on. If I passed away tomorrow the world will keep going on. When Aristotle, Martin Luther, and Napoleon died, the world kept moving on. They probably contributed to the world (Napoleon did because of all the revolutions), but like I said the world will soon die and it was all for nothing. Blah... Sorry if this depresses you like it does me. I just wish I knew what my next step is going to be or what God wants me to do. I'm outs
2/14/2009
God's presence
Lately I've been feeling a bit down. Sometimes depression takes grip of me and I wish I was someone else, somewhere else, or whatever else. This began last week after I stopped feeling God's presence. I thought I did something wrong or was doing something wrong and I got angry and usually my anger brings depression. I met with my RD (my boss you can say) and she was totally used by God. She told me that sometimes there are periods in our lives that God removes the feeling of His presence so that we can grow and be mature in Him. I thought I was doing something wrong. I thought God wasn't proud in what I was doing.
I used to struggle with perfection, not so much anymore. I always tried to make my Mom proud, but I always felt it wasn't good enough for my Mom. All I want to do is make God proud. I don't think I do good works so I can get to heaven because I already know I'm going there, but I just want to make God proud of me, of my life, and that I used it for Him. When I was with Michael it wasn't glorifying God and God told me so and so after a few months of reluctance I gave him up. I'm a bit more relieved to know that God sees that I'm old enough to make me more mature in Him.
Anyway, some good news, I got rehired to be an RA (residence Assistant) again for next school year. It's really exciting because I get to RA the honors building and plus the girls on my staff look wicked awesome! And I think I'm running for president of the student body, yup now its out there. I really think I'm going to do it. I have a vision and with some hard work on my part I think SG will go places. Here's for hoping. Please pray for me and for next year, and this semester too. It's a bit overwhelming with first screening (getting my teaching certificate) and some new things in my life. I'm outs
I used to struggle with perfection, not so much anymore. I always tried to make my Mom proud, but I always felt it wasn't good enough for my Mom. All I want to do is make God proud. I don't think I do good works so I can get to heaven because I already know I'm going there, but I just want to make God proud of me, of my life, and that I used it for Him. When I was with Michael it wasn't glorifying God and God told me so and so after a few months of reluctance I gave him up. I'm a bit more relieved to know that God sees that I'm old enough to make me more mature in Him.
Anyway, some good news, I got rehired to be an RA (residence Assistant) again for next school year. It's really exciting because I get to RA the honors building and plus the girls on my staff look wicked awesome! And I think I'm running for president of the student body, yup now its out there. I really think I'm going to do it. I have a vision and with some hard work on my part I think SG will go places. Here's for hoping. Please pray for me and for next year, and this semester too. It's a bit overwhelming with first screening (getting my teaching certificate) and some new things in my life. I'm outs
1/27/2009
Depression = selfishness?
I have a sincere question that I would really like people to answer to. Can being depressed also mean your selfish? I'm reading a book The Awakening and I was discussing it in class, but I just wanted to have a bit more insight to what you guys think. It can be a Christian view or a secular view, any view would be fine. Thanks, I'm outs.
1/23/2009
Ch. 12 The Royal Road of the Holy Cross - Thomas á Kempis
Matthew 16:24 says, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”
If anyone would come after me – so what does this mean? If anyone wants to do what God wills, then that means following him. A lot of people are talk and I have to admit that I at times am part of that group. I want to follow Christ, I want to go after him, but how do I do that? There are two parts to this question. First off:
He must deny himself – Deny myself? What does that mean? That means deny everything that I want, all my desires and ambitions I must deny.
The second part is:
Take up his cross and follow me. – What cross does Jesus talk about? Do I have to die on a cross like Jesus? No he already did that for me, but again we must put away our desires and ambitions. We have to put away our fleshly desires. What does that mean to a non Christian? Putting away our fleshly desires means putting away the things that are not right and then following God’s will for our lives instead of making our own choices.
I think following him is the hardest part of going after him. Like it means that my family comes second, my boyfriend comes second, my friends come second.
There are so many things I would love to write on this blog, I would love to just pour my heart out, but there is a time for everything and God has not told me to share just yet. So what I want to share is that following Jesus is not something simple. Following God includes suffering and it may not be physical suffering it may be emotional suffering. With my last boyfriend I was holding onto him so hard that when God told me I had to let go I just didn’t. When I finally did let him go I was completely angry with God because I didn’t want to let go. My heart at that time was worshipping my former boyfriend.
I gave my life to Christ at the age of fourteen, I thought I knew what I was getting myself into, but I have now realized that God wants all of me. I can’t serve Him and serve the world at the same time because they both have different objectives. All of this seems really gibberish right now for you if you haven’t experienced the suffering, but when it comes and you question your faith please remember that it’s suffering. God told us that suffering will come and maybe people will hate us. I had friends in high school that started to hate me when I quit marching band because I wanted to go on a mission trip to help people! I could not have done marching band and mission trip because it was at the same time, it was impossible to do so I had to choose between the world and eternity. We live in a messed up world and I just want to encourage you that it’s not all for nothing. I’m outs
If anyone would come after me – so what does this mean? If anyone wants to do what God wills, then that means following him. A lot of people are talk and I have to admit that I at times am part of that group. I want to follow Christ, I want to go after him, but how do I do that? There are two parts to this question. First off:
He must deny himself – Deny myself? What does that mean? That means deny everything that I want, all my desires and ambitions I must deny.
The second part is:
Take up his cross and follow me. – What cross does Jesus talk about? Do I have to die on a cross like Jesus? No he already did that for me, but again we must put away our desires and ambitions. We have to put away our fleshly desires. What does that mean to a non Christian? Putting away our fleshly desires means putting away the things that are not right and then following God’s will for our lives instead of making our own choices.
I think following him is the hardest part of going after him. Like it means that my family comes second, my boyfriend comes second, my friends come second.
There are so many things I would love to write on this blog, I would love to just pour my heart out, but there is a time for everything and God has not told me to share just yet. So what I want to share is that following Jesus is not something simple. Following God includes suffering and it may not be physical suffering it may be emotional suffering. With my last boyfriend I was holding onto him so hard that when God told me I had to let go I just didn’t. When I finally did let him go I was completely angry with God because I didn’t want to let go. My heart at that time was worshipping my former boyfriend.
I gave my life to Christ at the age of fourteen, I thought I knew what I was getting myself into, but I have now realized that God wants all of me. I can’t serve Him and serve the world at the same time because they both have different objectives. All of this seems really gibberish right now for you if you haven’t experienced the suffering, but when it comes and you question your faith please remember that it’s suffering. God told us that suffering will come and maybe people will hate us. I had friends in high school that started to hate me when I quit marching band because I wanted to go on a mission trip to help people! I could not have done marching band and mission trip because it was at the same time, it was impossible to do so I had to choose between the world and eternity. We live in a messed up world and I just want to encourage you that it’s not all for nothing. I’m outs
1/16/2009
Silver Boxes
In one of my education courses, Survey of Exceptionalities, my professor decided to play a recording of this speaker who was talking about our words, meaning what we say in our everyday lives. She was saying that anything we say or don't say can either tear down or bring up people. The tongue is a powerful weapon. She was telling stories of the people in her life that told her of their ambitions and how that some people's words brought them to compromise and settle for less.
Anyway, the recording made me think a lot about my own life and my own ambitions and how I don't want to be old and look back upon my life and wish I followed my dreams. Since I was fourteen I know I always wanted to be a missionary, I wanted to go and serve those less fortunate and glorify God. But my parents always kind of discouraged me and said that it's not a reliable job and I should do something that will financially support me. If I had been encouraged and had been given silver boxes (presents of encouragement) maybe I'll be pursuing mission work in my college career rather than teaching. I know teaching will help me in a way for mission work, but I guess I'm afraid that maybe I'll feel too comfortable or that I'll be too afraid to go out and do mission work and do teaching instead. God has always put Africa and opening an orphanage there, but how would I be financed or what if no one cares. I know I should totally keep this up to God because He is faithful, but it just scares me. And I've always had an aspiration to write. Like I know I'm writing in this blog, but I mean that I want to be published or my writing to mean something. I know my blogs help in someway you guys that are reading this, but I guess I want bigger impact. I don't know, I have too many thoughts running through my head so hopefully I'll be able to figure out something, I guess right now I just have to take it one step at a time and hear God's voice. Anyway, you don't have to answer to me, but what are your aspirations and what has God placed in your heart to do for Him? Are you on that path or are you staying in that comfort zone? I'm outs
Anyway, the recording made me think a lot about my own life and my own ambitions and how I don't want to be old and look back upon my life and wish I followed my dreams. Since I was fourteen I know I always wanted to be a missionary, I wanted to go and serve those less fortunate and glorify God. But my parents always kind of discouraged me and said that it's not a reliable job and I should do something that will financially support me. If I had been encouraged and had been given silver boxes (presents of encouragement) maybe I'll be pursuing mission work in my college career rather than teaching. I know teaching will help me in a way for mission work, but I guess I'm afraid that maybe I'll feel too comfortable or that I'll be too afraid to go out and do mission work and do teaching instead. God has always put Africa and opening an orphanage there, but how would I be financed or what if no one cares. I know I should totally keep this up to God because He is faithful, but it just scares me. And I've always had an aspiration to write. Like I know I'm writing in this blog, but I mean that I want to be published or my writing to mean something. I know my blogs help in someway you guys that are reading this, but I guess I want bigger impact. I don't know, I have too many thoughts running through my head so hopefully I'll be able to figure out something, I guess right now I just have to take it one step at a time and hear God's voice. Anyway, you don't have to answer to me, but what are your aspirations and what has God placed in your heart to do for Him? Are you on that path or are you staying in that comfort zone? I'm outs
1/13/2009
Getting used to change
I just noticed that I keep putting year 2008 when its 2009. I think habits come and when we don’t need it anymore its hard to break, we need to keep reminding ourselves that things have changed. I sometimes forget that life changes and I need to remind myself over and over that things will never be able to go back. I remember going to Guatemala on a mission trip for the second time and thinking that everything will be the same, but life moves on even if your not there.
I was also reading through Isaiah and I finally finished the book today. There are so many different things going on in Isaiah, but I wish it kept going. In Isaiah 63 Isaiah questions God, He asks God why He has hardened their hearts, but God didn’t. Last semester I felt that God was hardening my heart and I was angry with God, I was angry with His will. But as Isaiah goes on, the things that were on the mind of the people were earthly things not heavenly things. In Isaiah 66 labor is being explained as a process. One doesn’t decide to just have a baby at that moment it takes time, it’s a process. And I forget that though things might happen, change might happen, I need to have my heart focused on God. This new life that I have in God is a process and I was reminded that growing in Christ is a process. I have to stop getting frustrated at myself for not being perfect and pick up my cross and follow God daily until I finish that race and receive the crown that will be bestowed upon my brow on the day I see my LORD. I’m outs.
I was also reading through Isaiah and I finally finished the book today. There are so many different things going on in Isaiah, but I wish it kept going. In Isaiah 63 Isaiah questions God, He asks God why He has hardened their hearts, but God didn’t. Last semester I felt that God was hardening my heart and I was angry with God, I was angry with His will. But as Isaiah goes on, the things that were on the mind of the people were earthly things not heavenly things. In Isaiah 66 labor is being explained as a process. One doesn’t decide to just have a baby at that moment it takes time, it’s a process. And I forget that though things might happen, change might happen, I need to have my heart focused on God. This new life that I have in God is a process and I was reminded that growing in Christ is a process. I have to stop getting frustrated at myself for not being perfect and pick up my cross and follow God daily until I finish that race and receive the crown that will be bestowed upon my brow on the day I see my LORD. I’m outs.
1/11/2009
New year blog
School starts tomorrow!!! I am extremely excited. Yeah I know what you're thinking, total geek! Well wutevs, I'd rather be studying and learning new things rather than doing nothing beneficial. Well pray that I have a good semester and that I manage my time wisely with school, work, friends, and now a new boyfriend. Oh man too much to handle, lol. Anyway, I hope to be writing more this semester, last semester was a very emotional time and I hope it didn't bore you. I am a Developer, meaning I like to Develop people, so if your a Christian this blog is for you. I usually go into the word where the Holy spirit usually leads me and write it down. Well what God has been putting on my heart is sin, I am not judging or pointing the finger at anyone. We all have some sin issue and it's nice to know that your not the only weird person out there. I use this blog to glorify God so this blog is not my doing, but totally God's. Anyway, I will leave you with a passage of the Bible.
Isaiah 50:10-11 "Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God." I'm outs.
Isaiah 50:10-11 "Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God." I'm outs.
1/01/2009
New Year's Resolutions
Even if you don't write up a list, you know that every year you wind up wanting to change something or do something different. Like every year I embrace the new year hoping and searching for something different. I hope that change will come and if the change I wanted doesn't come then I search for it earnestly. Last night I was trying to figure out what I want different in my life. Well first off I would really like a 1. change in my spiritual walk. I don't mean read the bible everyday or read the bible in a year, but a change that will make me love God more in such a new way. Second, like every other person in the US a 2. change in my physical appearance. No I don't mean getting muscles, but being healthier by dieting correctly and exercising. I don't do enough exercise and my diet is pretty good, but it could be better. Third, I want to be 3. more available. I feel like I'm not available especially to my family. Fourth, of course I would like to do 4. better at school, get better grades. And fifth, be 5. more forgiving. That could go under spiritual walk, but even people who don't believe in God can forgive, and I've been horrible at forgiving and forgetting, especially the forgetting part. I can't even forgive myself for some things, but I know I must move on. Anyway, embrace change, even the bad because it molds us. I'm outs.
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