My double life

Since college has started I feel like I'm living a double life. At college I'm the quiet, studious girl. But at home I'm much more than what people see. I love adventure and having fun and going crazy, but at college, i feel like I'm just another fish in the lake. Granted I'll probably be one of the smartest people in the class, but for me learning is not just about reading and memorizing facts, its about the experience. I feel like no one sees me. I'm invisible girl. Wow I'm a superhero (sarcasm). I just wish people would just be open to me. I'm not the person to go up to people and just introduce myself, thats scary to even think about it, but if someone came up to me I'll welcome them with open arms. I guess it all has to do with comfort zone. I guess if I knew more people then I'll be able to live my one life again, but for now I guess I have to live my double life. Don't get me wrong I'm the same person, but I just choose to show it to one part of my life. I'm really considering on living on campus my sophomore year in college, but financially I'm so scared to take that leap. I would get to know more people and I would be able to live one life instead of two, but again financially, I'm better off commuting. I don't know, it all depends on what happens this year and how well I make friends. Well pray for me you guys that God's will just shows forth in my life, I hate not knowing whats happening. Well I'm outs.

This past week.

I've been crapping in my pants about this past week. First I moved, then it was Welcome week, today it was first day of school, and now tomorrow I'm taking the train to school. Moving wasn't that hard, it took me awhile to pack, but once I got to my dad's house it took me like a half hour to get settled in. Welcome week was crazy. I didn't know anybody, nobody knew me, except for my ungrad advisor. They had settled us into fish groups (yeah kind of gay, but w/e) and it got a little bit easier. We learned cheers, they forced us into wearing silly hats, and forced us to mingle through games. I am not one to make fast friends, so it didn't work out for me. Through my group I got to meet a really cool girl Danielle which I guess was the only one I hit it off with.
I was so nervous about today. I wanted the first day of school to pass by fast when it was last week, but this morning I wished it never came, i was totally nervous. But my professors were totally nice that I can't wait to see who my teachers are tomorrow. I already have hw for tomorrow, but its easy. And I also added a class, so I have 7 classes! Whatever I know I'll do well.
Another thing that has been running through my mind is my major. My major is history, I just love the subject, I want to travel and just check out artifacts and make history. But one thing that has been bothering me is the travel. I want to travel, but I'm scared. I'll be out of my comfort zone all the time and it just frightens me. I know God doesn't want us in a comfort zone, he wants us as uncomfortable as we can be, so I believe that this is the best thing I could do. I'm always dreaming big and God wouldn't have put such a wild imagination in my head if I wasn't to fulfill it. I just hope I'm as ready as I can be when the time comes for me to pick up and leave. Anyway, I'm out.

Ministry part Dos

So I talked about how ministry is an important thing and that we should always be focusing on God so we could do our ministry correctly. Well another thing that I've noticed about myself and others is that sometimes we can get so caught up into our ministry we just zone out everything else, everybody else.
Sometimes I just get so caught up into making sure my dance moves are just right so the kids can follow that I forget about just having fun and most importantly the kids. In the ministry of leadership I just see some leaders getting so caught up in putting everything just perfect that they just forget the people. I guess thats why I'm so glad we have a first impressions ministry. People just making sure that new people are welcomed correctly. But sometimes that too fails. I don't mean that the first impressions people are not doing their job its just when "church" is just not happening at the moment. Like when there's youth group or when there's a church party. People get left out. I don't know if its the fast paced life of Miami, but we need to slow it down a bit.
This is somewhat dangerous, but sometimes when I'm driving I just look around me, not at the other cars, but at what God's painting looks like. I take pictures of the sunsets or the clouds if they look just perfect and amazing. I look at what people seem to miss when those traffics hit.
We need to look around us, not at just our own work, but at God's work.

Perfect or acting?

I can't help but criticize myself. I don't think very highly of myself if thats the case. I always feel like I'm below this line of awesomeness, of just being cool. Call me a perfectionist or whatever, but whats life if there's no growth?
Yesterday was the day i left my home, everything i know, and move up north, Ft. Lauderdale. It wasn't that hard, i almost did cry but I'm glad for the change. People kept on telling me how great i am and inspirational i am. I'm like thanks, but in my head i was totally like 'what the crap?' I don't see myself as an inspiring person or someone that works hard. I think I'm lazy and a procastinator.
In one of my last posts I talked about how I tell people how it is when their wrong and then they call me perfect. I hate that, i really, really hate that. In some bizarre craze I know that I'm imperfect, but then i try to pull myself in the norm sometimes. I have to pull myself to a lower self, I'm trying not to be mean but man sometimes I feel like no one ever tries and their just trying to pass by. I don't mean everybody, but "a lot of people just want to be liked by their friends, but only some people want to make a difference by being the difference." Yeah i totally made up that line and I'm copywriting it, lol. But what I mean is that making a difference is putting God first then people second, it says so in the bible. People are important without a doubt, but when it comes to what God wants it's Him first. Well I'm out.

Ministry

I've been wondering about my ministry for quite awhile. When I was dreaming about being a teacher I wanted to teach high schoolers just because their a little bit easier than the other kids. Well the funny thing is, God has brought me into a ministry where I handle elementary school kids. I can just talk to them for hours and listen to them for hours. They have quiet a lot to say. In the bible it says to take care of these kids, nourish them, discipline them; I happen to be able to do that without stress.
Well ministry is a big thing in God's plan. But I wonder if people use their ministry for the glory of God or their own selfish glory. I'm guilty of giving me the glory at times. But sometimes when I see people giving themselves the glory it just pisses me off. I really try to give God all the glory, trying to focus on Him at all times, but sometimes I just lose focus.
I guess the only reason I feel like I want the glory is because sometimes I just feel invisible from everybody else. I feel like nobody sees what I do, sometimes I feel discouraged, this is a big pothole on my path to serving God.
What i guess I'm trying to say is that ministry is a big thing and that the only way we don't give ourselves the glory is by focusing on God, just giving God the glory. We can't rely on what people think or say. If we do, then we'll never be able to pass the limitations of this world and reach God's will.

College retreat

So College retreat happened August 8th through August 11th. I loved it! Even though I missed out on the youth retreat i got to meet new people and make new friends.
Well when we were driving up to Orlando I was a little immature, at least compared to the college people, but whatever, i am who i am. Well camp was so hot, and we slept in tents with no cots, so it was bare floor in sleeping bags, well on top of sleeping bags, it was so hot! Anyway, camp was like youth retreat, but smaller and the sessions were not us just listening, but us learning from each other and talking to each other which i totally loved. I was the youngest person there, and sometimes i felt like people didn't see me or heard me.
Well on Friday, the last night of the retreat, Janell walks me to someplace and she was telling me how I was right about something. We were talking about us as a church and if we're doing our all. Well I told a story about a time, a few months ago, When the only time i worked was at church. Usually I hate on hypocrits, but either my sister or my mom told me i was a hypocrit because i only work at church and no where else. I'm very prideful, so i said no, but when i was on my own and got to think about it, and she was right. I changed my way of living, so they can't call me a hypocrit again. Well Janell told me i was right. Her first impression of me was immaturity, but i love to just play around. When i have to be serious and smart and insightful then thats what i am. At the end of the retreat, i wasn't just the youngest person there, and i wasn't ignored, people listened to me and told me that everyone i meet will be greatly impacted.
If I impacted people over just a few days i wonder what i can do with my whole life to the whole world. My dream is to impact the world and to be remembered for changing the world, and i totally believe I can do it, this weekend just encouraged me at just being me.
I'm not perfect and I should always be growing in my spiritual walk, but i know God ceated me for a specific purpose and i don't feel all that depressed anymore.
Well, during the college retreat I got to play games, talk, go to downtown disney, and go to Typhoon Lagoon, it was all so much fun, i wouldn't change it for anything.
As much as i hated the heat, i would go camping again, just to grow and be more aware of what i have and to be thankful for what i have like AC. I love AC!
Oh and one of the games we played was Can-Can. People know that I'm good so they totally teamed up on me, it got down to me and Shawny and she totally beat me, I was beaten by a very good can-can player and I'm glad for being beaten by her there was no greater opposition. Well anyway, I'm out.

Throw away the stone

So today was Zeal and as always it was an awesome sermon and awesome music.
P. Dave brought us to the book of John where Lazurus dies and Jesus brings him back to life. Well Dave was talking about how we need to die to the things that yield us from experiencing the full blessing of God. He also talked about a list of things that we know yield us from this. The first thing that came to mind was selfishness. In my blog "Weakness and Imagination" I talked about my weakness being selfishness, but it also stops me from experienceing the fullness of God's glory. I just want to be selfless, completely selfless. I believe that with selflessness comes complete humility, love, patience. Like I know I'm not completely full of myself, so i do have humility, and i do love people, i do have pateince, but sometimes when I do love or do work, i hope someone is watching, and because of this my heart isn't in the right place.
We got to write on a stone what yields us from experiencing God's glory, i liked that, In my head i just saw myself throwing the stone away, i just hope the devil doesn't throw back at me.

Closer to perfect

People tell me I’m such a great role model to the girls or I hope my son marries someone like you. I sometimes just get sick and tired of just being noticed by the parents and never by my own peers. I know I’m different than most girls , I know I’m different than a lot of people, I know this, but it still ticks me off when someone ignorantly does or says something and when I try to just correct them they stupidly say, you’re always trying to prove me wrong. What the crap. Is it so bad to correct someone? Doesn’t it say in proverbs “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid”? I totally didn’t write that, it’s in the bible! If people just read their bible and actually live by it, this world would be a defiantly better place to live in. I just wish more “Christians” would just read their bible and not just ponder it, but live it. I’m not perfect, I don’t even think I’m halfway there, but I take one thing at a time and try to improve myself on it. An idea I took from Ben Franklin was to take some virtues I should work on and keep testing myself on them until it’s close to perfect and then move on to the next virtue. If people just fixed one mistake everyday of their lives, the world would be closer to perfect.
But really who am I kidding? No one really listens to me. I’m not the cool person that everyone follows the trends after, I’m not the brain that knows all the answers, I’m just me, plain Steph. Wait… who’s she?

My weakness and Imagination.

Today is such a wonderful day, yes it is Friday and like the saying goes "TGIF." Well as my friday nights are committed to youth group, i had a wonderful time just kicking it back with my friends and just praising God. Well during the music I started thinking about the celebration they were having for the graduated seniors (yes I go ADD okay, totally not my fault) well i was just getting mad that everytime they have a celebration for us, I'm not able to go because of work or I'm going to be out of town. The next celebration they are going to have is next week Friday and I'll totally be in Orlando with my college peeps. It just sucks, nobody celebrates me. But then I pulled myself out of my own body and started critizing what i just said. I'm here at church, the bride of Christ, and all I can think about is me, selfish me. I just got so frustrated with myself, and i felt like i couldn't praise God. But then a phrase in one of the songs came up and it said "I will praise you in my weakness." My weakness is my own selfish self. Sometimes I get tired from just serving because I feel like I get no glory out of it, but really it's not for me, it's all for Him. I just forget sometimes. I know I'm weak, but sometimes I can't help portray myself but as a strong person that doesn't need anybody.
Skip is such an awesome preacher, and God is working wonders through him. One thing he said was "Do as much as you can until you can't do no more, and God will do the rest." To me it went both ways, one with my weakness, God will just be my strenth in my weakness. Another way was through imagination. The topic was no other but "Imagination."
When I was 8 years old, i chose my first "I'm going to be this when i grow up." I chose to be an austraunaut. I even started making a book about a girl, me, going to outer space. Then, i found out that I have motion sickness. People say its a mind thing, but i never had anything against flying until i threw up because of flying, so i really doubt its a mind thing for me. Well I went through a line of other professions that I thought I would enjoy, but tonight after Skip’s sermon, I knew what I’ve been dreaming of doing since I was a little kid. I want to be put in the history books. Yeah it seems kind of ridiculous, but for some reason I feel like if I’m not remembered throughout history, then I didn’t do something to change the world. Yes I want to change the whole world. Seems kind of far fetched, but I believe I can do it. “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” Proverbs 16:3. I’m placing my stake on the ground right now, and I’m going to trust and persevere in Jesus. I’m committing, not to just be remembered, but to change the world in a way that future generations can look back upon and use me as a role model.
Imagination becomes a dream and a dream can become a reality.

Clean water and work

Well I still have to think twice before putting my toothbrush under the faucet water. I can’t help it. I’m still in Guatemala mind set. I appreciate water so much more here in the US. I guess most people wouldn’t understand what I mean unless you go to a third world country where there is no clean water system. Whenever you do want clean water to drink, you need to pay for water at the restaurants or just suck it up with the dirty tap water. And I’d rather pay because drinking the tap water will make you sick for days or even weeks depending on how strong your immune system is.

Also, another thing I finally quit my job. My job was very simple and boring, but man was I getting paid very little. Good thing I didn’t have to lie, I am leaving to Palm Beach for school. If I didn’t have to leave, I would have been stuck there because no way can I quit without a good reason. Anyway, this week is my last week and I’m totally grateful for that.

Slump to Serve

In my last post i wrote how i just feel lukewarm, a little depressed about it. Well I went to small group last night and I finally realized how its much of my fault. God doesn't want me to rest or be bored or feel lukewarm, He wants me to take it up a notch and start projects of my own to helping other people. Like I could help my neighbors with anything or give someone a call I haven't spoken to in awhile, speak to others about Jesus Christ. There is so much to be done and I was just waiting for someone to tell me what to do, but instead God wants me to take the initiative.
John 9:4-5 says "As long as it is day, we must do the work of Him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world."
I have to take advantage of my day time because when night hits, there's nothing more to do. When the light is gone and the last days have come upon us, there is nothing more we could do, no more people to save. When I die I can't preach to anyone anymore. I have to take advantage of my time.
I'm out of my slump and I'm ready to serve!