Change or Jesus?

Wow I am so sorry. The last post I had written was totally unnecessary. I was asking for change just for the sake of change, not for the glory of God. I guess I want change so much that i just lose focus of who is really important, Jesus Christ.
I went to church tonight and I couldn't help thinking how prideful I must be. At first I thought i was just being funny, but it's not anymore. I still do want change to occur, but everyone has their own way of making it happen. I guess it's just me being ADHD. I can't help but be moving.
Another thing I learned was about love. Sometimes we get into the if's. I'll love you if...you change this, or I'll love you if... you do this. No, that is not love. "God is love" 1 John 4:8. And not just any kind of love, but beneficial, committed, unconditional, sacrificial. God loves us because that is what He is. Jesus Christ lived with our stench for 33 years and then died on a cross for us, wouldn't it have been easier if he said "I'm the Creator" and then he just places his thumb on us and says "and you don't exist." Wouldn't that have just been easier? And when Peter cut off a soldier's ear why didn't Christ applaud him, why did Christ love that soldier? He is the creator, he created that soldier. For God loves everyone. It doesn't matter if your righteous or a sinner. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." None of us are good enough anyway. And I've forgotten that, I've been too prideful. So don't love people for what they do or who they are, love them because God loves us. "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers." 1 John 3:16.
Even though I'm sorry about the last post I wrote, I still do mean it. I want a Great Awakening part 3 to come. And I can't wait till it comes. Well I'm out.

CHANGE!!

I am so bored of this everyday bull crap of school and doing the same freaking thing everyday. Yeah college is totally not the same as high school, I get to choose my own schedule, I get to choose, but what i choose doesn't even exist yet. I want change! I want a Great Awakening part 3. I want people to just stop doing what is expected of them and just go out there and do what they believe will change the world in a godly way. I don't see anything anymore. I want change! I want to see godly young leaders standing up, getting off of the benches and pitching a no hitter.
I'm surprised how idealistic I've become. I've always been realistic, oh that can't happen or this won't do. No, no more of that.
Before I started college, I thought 'man I could be whoever i want now, I can start anew.' And I guess I've changed drastically or I've just pulled out of my shell. I don't feel like I did last year, i was the quiet, just going with the crowd kind of person, but no more. I want to be the leader. It's actually quite invigorating. I don't have a power hunger thing going on, I would never let that occur. I just feel that Christians are just doing small things, not that it doesn't matter, the small things do matter, but it's time to think big and start doing the small things that will bring it to the Great Awakening Part 3.
I had a very vivid, weird dream about 3 night ago. Three or four blue birds were on a tree branch just standing there and I'm right across from them singing. Well usually blue birds are the ones singing to me, not vice versa. I couldn't understand the meaning of it, but somebody told me that I'll be a teacher of teachers. Usually teachers of teachers are wise. I hope that is what it means. I'm not that wise, but I know the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, stated in 1st proverbs, so I know I've started to become wise. I just hope I'll be able to fulfill what God has in plan for me. Like I've posted in other blogs, God wouldn't haven't given me such a great imagination so it wouldn't be in use, He wants me to use it, and that is exactly what I'm going to do, one day.
So I'll take the repetitive life for now, yeah I have fun, spontaneous times, but I need more than that. One day it won't be that way anymore for me and whoever I live the rest of my life with, yeah a husband, can't forget him, haha. Well sorry for my cry of change, it's just something that is screaming within me. Well I'm out.

Being sick makes me unfocused.

Oh how I hate being sick and worst of all it's raining and I have to be at school. If I didn't have to be at school then the rain would be nice so i could sleep through my cold, but no, it has to be raining. Today has just been pouring, I'm just glad that I didn't get rained on when i got to school.
Another thing, I've just been so out of focus. I wish i wasn't. I need to focus on my professors and on everything else thats important. I just feel so blah. Stuff that has no importance creeps into my mind at the worst possible times. I know I should just try to block them out and I have the power to take them out of my head, but it's hard when your sick. Maybe it's just this sickness that's keeping me unfocused. All I know is that I'm glad I'm noticing that I'm not focusing than not knowing at all. Then that would just suck because I wouldn't try focung on the important things than just drifting off into lala land. Well please pray for me that this cold will go away by this weekend. I have so much to do this weekend and I need to focus. Well I'm out.

Unordinary

It's sometimes hard to say what is on my mind. I have so many things buzzing through my head all the time that I lose track. Well my classes are doing well, got no complaints on friends, but yet I seem to not feel satisfied. No, I'm not in a depression thing or bored. I just feel like I should be doing something more. I hate my planned schedule. I'm astonished at myself because I seem to have everything planned and I love being in control, but now I want something really out of my control to happen. I seem to see all the things that's happening before it even happens, no not a psychic thing, but it just seems so repetitive. It's quite boring. Yeah then I guess I'm bored. I just want something out of my control to happen, something out of the ordinary to happen. That's all I'm asking for. Maybe I'm at a time where I should jut concentrate at school, and God's giving me the time to do it, but why would God want me comfortable? He's never put anyone in a comfortable position in the bible, why shoud I be any different? I guess it's that calm before the storm, I hope it is. Well this was a pointless blog, I hope I satisfied your boredom for reading this blog. I'm out

Dependance and credibility

Once we can say out loud what are weaknesses are life becomes just so much easier. I am indecisive and I finally accepted that. I wish I were more straight with what i say, but sometimes I say something that i wasn't really sure what both sides of the idea was, and I change more than twice on my standing. I've told some people and now I feel so much better because people won't tell me "stop changing you mind" when I change at speed of a second. But I'm dependable which is weird, but I understand why. Once I tell someone you can depend on me on this, that's my final decision. Even though I'm inclined to change my mind, once I have it made up I stick to it.
Another thing, I've finally made great friends that I can depend on. I don't fully trust them yet, but it's in the process. We've, well really I've already plans for our October break. We're going to Busch Gardens and they've actually agreed. Which is cool, but now I'm titled spontaneous because I think of stuff and just go with it. I don't think that's very spontaneous, but I guess it is to them. And I'm also titled organized and dependable, which is great. I have credibility now. Thank you for those who prayed for me to make friends in school, I'm pretty sure it would have happened eventually, but probably not the same friends and God has put them in my life for a reason, so I'm running with it.
Just one more thing before I go, today in the world leaders have forgotten what credibility means. Credibility comes from the word credo meaning believe and trust. And in today's world we have a lot of leaders, but not a lot of them are credible, which I fear. If there is no accountability to the leaders today then what are we leaving for ourselves in the end, nothing! So I encourage you guys to live a life of integrity and credibility. And keep those that are in the position of leadership accountable, they help mold the future of tomorrow.
And now I'm done, so I'm out.

Alcohol and drugs

I've been meaning to write something on alcohol and drugs for about a week now and I guess this is the time.
Well I'm not going to tell you not to drink or do drugs, I'm not your mother. I'm not here to tell you that drugs are bad for you and I'm not going to tell you that alcohol is bad for your liver. Almost everyone has had a High school diploma, so you've heard from teachers and your parents and TV that drugs are bad for you and you shouldn't drink under a certain age or you shouldn't drink and drive.
You guys know that.
I'm here to tell you my story. As a matter of fact not just my story, but my family's story.
For all I know my grandfather is an alcoholic, has been since before my mom was born. My grandfather from my father's side died because a drunk driver ran into him. I have second cousins that died from a drunk driver. My Aunt was a druggie. She was a druggie in Brazil and she was in Miami. Thank God, now she's clean, has been for about 18 years. Me, I used to drink at parties with my friends from school, i would never get drunk, but the party life and drinking were what i looked forward to each week. My friends from school are into the drinking and getting drunk and some of them have made themselves look like fools. Then I have my sister. The druggie part 2. I'm not going to say I don't love her nor she doesn't affect me because she does. She's my sister. I love her and everything she does, does affect me.
When she started into drugs, nobody in the family knew. But her attitude changed, she became angry all the time. Some people just called it teenage rebellion, but I saw more. I told people that it's not supposed to be so rebellious like she's doing, but nobody listened. Well when someone told me she was doing drugs and other stuff, i had to tell my parents. She stopped using drugs and her attitude became somewhat bearable. It's was still hard to study for AP tests with my mom and sister bickering all the time. Now its different, I moved out from my mother's house and moved w/ my dad for school. Life seems less stressful, but then my sister was caught with drugs at school. No, she doesn't use drugs anymore, but her friends still do. That was just last week and now, today, she's at teen challenge. She had no idea it was coming. It's the cheapest place we could find ($2000 a month) and she's there for 15 months.
Alcohol and drugs takes away the pain, but only for awhile, not forever. we become addicted and then aggressive. We live for the moment where all seems gone, but isn't gone. It's still there, that's reality.
Again, I'm not your mother, do whatever you will with your life. But when you become addicted and nothing seems to satisfy you other than drugs or alcohol. First off don't be afraid to ask someone for help, and secondly, but just as important look into what Christ wants to give you. peace, love, joy, eternity in heaven. Christ is not asking for anything, he'll take your crappy past and transform you into someone that is happy. Not aggressive, no addiction, no loneliness, just peace.
Well as always I'm out.

A random night in the life of Steph

Well Friday started off as any other normal school day. Gym in the morning, classes in the afternoon. Then i took a shower in the locker room and headed to the Student Government retreat. We had dinner and then got into our committee's. I'm part of the communications committee. Well after the retreat I headed to my friend Kristen's house to drop off my stuff since I was crashing for the night. Well we went to the Coffee house which was really mellow and nice.
Well after the coffee house thing we went to Hooka. I had no idea what that was and then they told me it's a middle eastern style restaurant where they smoke tobacco from these jar things. Well I had nothing else to do so I went. Of course I didn't smoke any, but the atmosphere was great and they don't serve alcohol there so that was cool. We stayed there for about an hour and a half. Me, Kristen, and Victoria headed off back to the house since we were tired and hung out there for about 30 minutes w/ Ricky.
Well the rest of the group got back and decided to head to the beach. I was totally up for it. I was tired, but not enough to not miss out on the beach. So we headed to the beach like at 1:30am. We brought blankets and just laid on the beach watching the stars, talking, and listening to music, it was really nice. Well about an hour later two other people sneak up behind us and throws flour over us. Well Grace and Jack weren't going to leave it at that, so they ran after them. It was pretty funny.
Well after about 5 minutes, we were wondering when they would get back, so Ricky goes after them to check it out. 30 seconds later he runs back and tell us to pick up the stuff because the police were there. We got everything and ran for the hills. It was awesome. I haven't felt that thrill before. Well we went through another road so as to make sure the police wouldn't see us. We started making up plans on how to get to the car and if the police were still at the car we would have to walk back to school and get the car to bail them out of jail if they had to go there. Well we passed by the road where our cars were at and sure enough the police were there, so we just kept on walking. Then we heard 2 cars screeching at the corner and stop right next to us. Oh man, we had just gotten caught. So the police officer asks us where we were and where we were heading and stuff. Well Erica took the lead and started saying how we were just heading back from the beach to school. And he said, but what about your cars and we told them that we were first looking for our friends who had just left. And he asked why didn't we look at the beach, and we told him that they had ran towards the road so they wouldn't be on the beach, well to make a long story short we had to give in our names and head on our way back home.
Well the group who had ran off told the cops the truth and of course so did we, but for some reason they didn't believe us, whatever. And the group who had ran off told the cops they were playing tag, lol, and they were laughing the whole time when they were caught by the cops. I thought that was funny. Well we got back home and what do you know its 4am. We stayed up 30 minutes more talking about what happened to each of us, and it was so funny. We finally fell asleep only to wake up at 9am!
Well today we went on a scavenger hunt, which my team won, and chilled at the beach. This was one memorable time, so I had to share.
Usually my blogs concern Christ so here i go. I saw the difference between what we see in the day and the night at a christian school. I saw how some people are really into God and just dedicate their time to Him and I also saw the other side. Just having fun with friends and doing stupid stuff that we'll never get to do again once were older. I thank God for this weekend and how life isn't just about studying and making good grades, but actually going out and doing crazy stuff, either being illegal or going crazy for Christ. Anyway, I'm out

out of this body

I've been totally stressed, but not about school. I wish I could go into detail about what I'm stressed about, but it wouldn't be appropriate. Anyway, i went to a christian concert tonight and God just spoke to me. The last 2 days I've been angry with God, and just wondering why some stuff has been happening, but today i saw that I'm just putting the blame on Him because it really is my fault. Caleb once told me that it isn't my fault. But I still disagree. It's all my fault that this occured, if I just paid more attention and I didn't push away people, things would be different. I wish things were different. But its all in God's hands and I have to just drop my crud on God's lap. I know it sounds wierd, but thats what we do when we give it up for God. We give Him all that we have, the good and bad, and he uses it for His bigger plan.
I just wish I coul go back in time and fix things, but I know I can't do that. I sometimes just wish it was a videogame and I could just press redo, but instead we could either quit or keep moving on and learn from our experiences and pass on our knowledge to others.
Have you ever felt that sensation when your worshiping God and you just get so into praising God and you can't stop moving, but then moving doesn't seem like enough and you just want to jump out of your body and do something crazy, maybe even foolish for God. I've started to feel like that lately. I've started to want to make a change. I have plans that will change society as we know it. And I can't wait till the time comes when all these dreams just come into play. Like I said before, God gave me such a big imagination and I know it'll be used for His glory.
well you guys, I have a favor to ask you guys. First pray for my sister, and I don't mean just as an afterthought, I mean really pray for her. And second, pray for me that i can just keep my eyes focused on Jesus so as not to let any wind or the fact that I'm walking on water keep me from reaching to jesus. Anyway, you guys are always in my prayers. So go MAD (go Make A Difference). I'm out

9/11

Yes it's September eleventh and like every year since 2002 we look back upon the terrorist attacks that so dreadfully happened to this country and has affected the entire world.
I was twelve years old in my Home ec. class and i remember a teacher knocking on the door of our room and telling my teacher to turn on the news. I remember seeing my teacher just starting to cry and when at once I understood what had happened I started to cry as well.
I saw the churches pack up the following Sunday, so many people praying and crying. Pastors comforting us through scripture, saying times are coming to an end.
I know in my heart that people were wondering "why has God let this destruction happen?" Why now, why ever? I had read just 2 years ago, after hurricane Katrina hit, a reporter asked Pastor Graham's daughter, "why on earth would God let this happen?"

(written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary)
Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?"
In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.
Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about and we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."

Ben Stein is right. I hate it when people put down God because He doesn't show Himself. How can you expect God to work miracles in our daily lives if we don't let Him be in our daily lives.

In rememberence of Sep. 11th, i pray for those who mourn today from lost family members and friends. I pray that they be lifted up and just keep on seeking God. And I mourn with you today. no I don't know how you feel, I've never lost someone close to me. But it says in the bible to rejoice with those who are joyful and mourn with those who mourn. Well I'm out.

My poems

So I thought I'd place my favorite poems up that I've written since I've started writing. Something different than what i usually do, but I want your opinions. All of these poems are written from a span of 4 years, so most are really sad.

Boat?
I’m drowning in what it seems
To be a forever ocean.
I can’t see past all the water
Surrounding me, and I can’t
Seem to pull my head over the
Water to breath, I need air.
I’m scared and I just panic
And I don’t know what to do.
Where’s the boat?
When’s my saving coming?
It seems like it’ll never come.
Maybe they don’t see me?
Yeah, maybe that’s it.

She walks alone
She walks alone.
No one is close enough
To here her scream,
No one is close enough
To catch her from falling down,
And no one is close enough
To love her.
She walks alone
With no hope and in despair.
She walks alone,
To cry.

Trust
I feel You comfort me
When I feel there is no hope.
I cry out like a wolf to the moon.
And it's the same thing over and over
And if I were
You I would have
Given up already.

Everyday You sat there and
listened to my complaints with
such tenderness in Your eyes.
You didn't care how many times
I came to You with the same problem, You
only cared that I trusted You.

I had prayed one day that You would fill my
life with trouble just so I could come to
You. I sometimes wonder why I
said that prayer, all this hardship
is difficult, but then
I remember when I'm in your arms
that this is the only way I come to You.

The cave
I scream at the top of
My lungs inside my own
Cave where no one can hear me.
I hear the cave echo my scream
But tis an empty scream.
I want no more emptiness around me;
I want it to be real. I want
The scream to be as full and whole
As the sorrow of my mind,
To have the knowledge that I posses.
I want the cave not to be a cave;
I want it to be my home.

I let it be
My heart yearns for
The thing that has trapped
My heart in a prison
of giving and trust.

I will never be
Deceived by this trap
Because I let myself
Into it, knowing
Full well of its
Imprisonment.

My heart never wants to leave,
so I let it be.

So yeah, these are just a small portion of what i write, but criticism is always encouraged. So tell me what you think, as harsh as it might be.

Superhero

It's real hard living life by yourself. It's unbearable. I'm not homesick, but I feel like a part of me is lost. The parts that i used to enjoy in my life. I don't feel like myself. Back home I felt loved and I had people to talk to face-to-face. I felt like I could always cry on my friends shoulder if I ever needed to.
I was afraid that I wouldn't make any friends at school, well I did make friends, but I want that close relationship you just get with people. I haven't found that yet. I need that. I have so much things happening, new things and i just feel like I can't talk to anybody. I feel like I did when I was 15, nobody cares about what I say.
This always happens to me, I always feel alone and different when ever I go somewhere different. It's not like I can't comprehend what people are telling me, it's just people can't comprehend what I'm telling them. I know for sure it can't be because of the way I speak, I'm taking public speaking and my professor has no trouble with me. So what is it? Am I boring? Or I don't reach a certain coolness? I know I'm not "cool" I never was, never been. But really I really want to know why I don't feel welcomed in new places. It's not just at school, I felt like that at the college retreat as well. i felt like that when I came back to my church after a year break I took in high school.
Mrs. Myers said its because of my personality. But I don't have a big sign over my head telling about my personality. I don't know what God has in plan for me or what He's preparing me for, but I can't take it, I really can't.
I took a test online last week and it said that I'm a good motivator. That's ironic. I can motivate or encourage other people, but I can't seem to do it for me.
I have a journal that I keep just for myself. And I was reading it over just 2 days ago and one thing that I wrote was "where's my superhero?" Where is he? or she? I'm in need of some saving. Not in the spiritual sense but in the social and emotional sense. Where's my superhero?

A list of things going through my mind.

-I've been telling people I'm cursed. yeah w/e. I remember things that people never remember. This curse has started just a little after i started my senior year in high school. It sometimes makes me feel out of place. I'd start talking about something and people just give me this face like I'm crazy or something. It'll do me good with school, but it still makes me different.

-I've been thinking about my future life a lot lately. With work, I know for sure I want to travel somewhere and just serve. My future husband is going to have to travel too, so we could visit a country where we're not wanted and start a church there, he would have to be a pastor or missionary. And I know for sure that i want 3 kids and adopt some too, i don't want to go through labor more than 3 times, lol.

-School has been so relaxing, i love college! It's so much better than high school. I was totally scared about starting school and i just wanted to go back to my regular high school schedule, but my mind has been changed. I take the tri-rail to school, which at first again, i was scared, but i love it now. And forever i will take the advice of Ivan, he told me to keep buying tri-rail tickets and i didn't listen to him and i got a warning from a police officer. i think i have a record now.

-I met a long lost relative too. He's John DeSousa and he's from Portugal. I know we're related in some way, lol.

-I went to chapel twice this week at school, same message, different music. And then I went to visit a church today of one of my professors and what do you know the same message. I think God's telling me something. it was on Romans 12:1-8 today and the pastor talked about the transforming of our mind and how together as Christ's believers we all have different spiritual gifts and without one another we're a dysfunctional body. Sometimes I wished Christians would understand that. We all need each other. Oh and I need to remind myself of that too. Sometimes I think I can do it all on my own, but i always fall right on my face.

-Also, in Romans 12:6-8 it talks about spiritual gifts and to use them. These past 2 years has been transforming and it has brought me to an organization of abolishing slavery. I wish that slavery was abolished around the world. Somebody had told me that if slavery was abolished the cost of living will sky rocket up. Yeah I know that, but our happiness should not be based on how economically well we are. God should be our happiness. Even those who are worse off than myself can give. So I figured out what one of my gifts are, it's at serving. I love to serve. I would rather live dirt poor than not be able to help people. I don't know how to express how i feel about people except serve. Whenever I was at church in Miami I didn't know what else to do, but srve others. It's been difficult on me lately to go to church and be able to serve yet. I have to wait to find the church God wants me at and then finally start serving, but this could be a long process or hopefully a short process. I hope its short I hate not doing anything.

-Stress can be good and it can be bad. Everyone has different symptoms and I finally figured out mine. I won't tell you what it is, but I know for sure that I hate swimming it gives too much stress. Volleyball and soccer keep me at ease.

-I'm going to start a thing now before i got to sleep now, I'm going to be meditating. I have so many things going through my mind before i go to sleep that i need to relax my mind which will help relax my body. So I encourage those of you who have the same problem to do either meditation or stretching before going to sleep.

Anyway, I'm out. Need to meditate so i could sleep.